Come with Me...

***A note before you read this, it is merely a reflection of what I see when looking back and not meant to come to the end with any answers. In this place as I sit on the couch and type, after having had a few days of being keenly aware of His presence, I am able to-want to-write how I saw things as I walked in them. I am unhinged by the awareness of His gentle patience in walking the road with me, thoroughly, so as not to skip ahead and miss the fullness of learning to seek Him alone.

Now, Come with me...

To a place I was before this began. It's 2004 and I'm outwardly living a live that makes sense to everyone around me. I'm working with an incredible group of people, in a small office, with my own office, a secure paycheck, a great one-bedroom apartment in a perfect old apartment building, surrounded by great neighbors who I share Saturday morning breakfasts with in the U-shaped courtyard outside my living room window, attending a good church, volunteering at a thriving youth group, and gathering with friends for fun and time together learning the Truths of the Gospel. I'm also beginning a journey of pain, solitude (though that would be disguised given my cirlce of friends and acquaintances), and inward darkness. I am about to enter a very trying-lonely time that NO ONE will be able to talk me out of or through and that I become increasingly convinced is for my ultimate good as I go "down and in" to dig at what my Heavenly Father has settled on my heart and my soul. I am ultimately optimistic as I trust His word-"...in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..."-Rom. 8:28 yet in my optimism I am confident that this will be a quick fix-fast lesson-getting on to the good, more important things. I am doing-performing-my best in all the roles that I feel have been assigned to me or that I taken hold of myself for furthering my own pride, self advancement, and works for His Kingdom though beneath this beautiful veneer is a girl pushing to get her own way. And in getting my own way, I am seeking to find the non-existing balance between pleasing others, their expectations, myself, my expectations, and the God of the universe. AS IF HE IS SOMETHING TO BE BALANCED AMONG OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE! I'm questioning so many things, right or wrong roads I've taken, careers I've sought, things I've participated in or bowed out of. And I'm living with a heart that is raging inside because outwardly I'm afraid to LIVE my fullest life possible. I wake up in the mornings and make my bed, yet at every turn of the sheet and fold of the blanket, I am haunted by my thoughts and reliving events that may seem trite to others, but are mind boggling-painful to the confusion that seems to be teeming around me. No, you would not see depression around me, I would not allow you to see it. I do not believe it to be, just a saddness at the life experiences that come with growth of all kinds. In my "get it done" fashion, I begin to make plans for things that seem ultimately sacrificial (mission trips to foreign lands) still hoping that in my checklist fashion-if I do something, God will return to me with something. I end up on a team of fantastic people on my way to the forbidden island-Cuba. And upon returning from Cuba, I begin to plan another trip back to Cuba which ultimately lands me in Costa Rica. (Much of that story and all that ensued lies within these many posts!) All along I miss the importance of the TIME it takes for a heart to be transformed. The time it takes in being LONG with God in a prayer closet, just being with Him, not seeking a checklist of things to do and get done so that He might give me the next list of lessons to learn. I am beginning to see how dynamic relationship with God is, but am slow at learning and good at keeping my list handy. I continue to look for the places in life where I missed what God was doing and I lament on feeling my life will end without seeing a purpose, a driven force of being used for the good of others that they might now His life. But, I am not the most pleasant example nor do I feel confident to let you see my inside life and the struggles that come with the aforementioned balance. I am also aware, at these very moments I am not alltogether sure in my own life what really allowing Him to live through a life looks like. I know I want it, but can't seem to find the right checklist in order to tackle the dilemma. So, I keep searching and changing and trusting that at some point in time I will gather myself and realize I have arrived. At the same time I'm working to arrive, I'm beginning to learn and witness and dive into the fibers of my being. It is now 2006 and I'm living in Florida. As painful as it is, due to the unbelievable hurdles that accompanied me moving cross-country, I am simultaneously soothed and spurred. Soothed as God begins to unveil the order of my being- the things I'm good at because I was wired that way and the things I've learned to do because I thought them an expectation of my life. Spurred because my heart, though I try to tame and numb it, is still raging to LIVE! To live without concern for the reactions of others. To say I'm moving across the country and not be challenged in my pursuit. I am, after all, a warrior princess. I'm disgusted by the injustices in my own city and country, and baffled to tears by those injustices that I am only beginning to learn about because my countrymen (or at least those I associate with) do not like to talk about how we don't pass the bread-basket around to the rest of the world, how in our greed and gluttony we have created our own kinds of ailments-diabetes, obesity, etc., that we look the other way when a massive genocide takes place on another continent for fear of what, our own safety? For me, fear of losing my security in the stuff I've worked to gather around me. I have, afterall, finally purchased a sofa, and dining room set, and I'm working hard to look the part-fashion/fitness-that is the American Christian. Though at these same moments, I remember Cuba and how upon returning from the sights-smells-tastes-feelings-people-I used every last bit of toothpaste before buying another tube because I realized what a privelege it was to have this commodity. I think back to my time staying at the home of a Costa Rican friend, out in the countryside where the girls give up there bed so that I might be comfortable and we feast for breakfast over coffee and a small loaf of fresh baked 'pan' (better known to us as bread). Thinking of the humidity I knew and experienced as I crank up the A/C on my condo thermostat. I work to justify these differences, but come up short. I live in the land of plenty, I partake in the plenty and do a few "self-less" acts to feel better. Here again, living by works. I continue to live, experience, strive, change, and yes grow. I hear Him speak to me in a few very critical points in my life. When I plead and beg and ask why?! why?! why?!---I am suddenly struck with the very awareness of the Holy Spirit in my life and His words to my audible questioning and crying. His answer, "I KNEW YOU FIRST." I am suddenly silenced and pacified. I respond with thankful, grateful, desire to be on mission for Him.

***I am sufficiently drained! It is good to look back and see growth, it also causes me to stumble through some of those trips and pictures (these from Cuba'04)...especially as I watch Haiti and remember my own experiences in other cultures. It fuels a desire I do not yet know what to do with, but Father I trust that you are thoroughly in this. I believe You desire me to know You and to take part in loving others as You have loved me. I confess, I continue to have my plans and trust Your work and Your word, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21)

Spill!

"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward-to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.” –Philippians 3:12-14 (The Message)

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV)

I’m exploding with blog posts! So, maybe this one is best to do highlights.

Surrender.

Haiti: Since January 15th, yes a few days after the actual earthquake in Haiti, I have been on my computer reading all I can about what’s happening. On January 15th @ Uncle Rog’s 60th surprise party, Aunt Trish hugged me good-bye saying every time she reads about Haiti she thinks about me. “I know you’d be there if you could.” Translated for the general public- if I had my nursing degree, I’d be there helping with disaster relief. This has surely caused a swell in my focus with nursing and even just beginning to look into disaster relief through the Red Cross, PREPAREDNESS! I’m not “plugged in” as far as following the news goes. I get bits and pieces, my home page is bbc.co.uk (British Broadcasting Corporation) so the headlines that pop up sometimes coerce a click on the link. I also get a 20 minute break at work in which I usually read USA Today if one of our regulars happened to be in that morning (yes, we have people who come in virtually EVERY morning for breakfast!!!) and left his newspaper for us. Consequently, it took me a few days to actually hear, in the midst of class-studying-work, the enormity of the earthquake’s effects. I have since been moved on a nearly daily basis.

Lent: Fat Tuesday came and went, Ash Wednesday too. I received an email newsletter from a friend a few weeks back. It contained a challenge to drink only water (and eat) for the 40 days of lent and use the money saved to support clean water ministries. I was intrigued, of course, “What a great idea!” And then I followed with a number of reasons why this was a bad idea for me…all of them selfish! It dawned on me, why WOULDN’T I do this? These are the things which strike a cord in my fibers. So, I have been drinking water, hot water-room temp water-ice water etc. I realize how easy it is for me to walk into the kitchen, grab a big ol’glass, turn on the facet and raise the cup to my lips for a clean drink of water. I want to be reminded, mindful, grateful of this and to act responsibly on a global level. I don’t have that figured out, but I know it starts with living simply.

Living Simply: I live in a gorgeous house with lovely roommates and we live in a hip, gritty, weird Portland neighborhood-Alberta Arts district. The neighborhoods around this area of NE Portland are spectacular- everything is perfect. I drive down 15th Ave. at night, gazing in the windows of these homes, and I am struck on two sides of the spectrum-they are perfect-neat and tidy (and you know how drawn I am to order) and they are devastating-it reminds me of the “haves and have nots.” The sum of these two causing a weight, an awareness that I am all too familiar with and which I have spent time tending to as a way of finding peace and reconciliation within. I no longer believe finding the balance is necessary and have accepted that these are to me reminders of the place I am to call home and initiators in continuing to move forward in living my life in a way that reflects where my priorities are-His Kingdom.

His Kingdom: On many levels, moving from my own apartment into a house with roommates was to continue to learn how to be in relationship with others, as well as to keep myself from building my own little perfect kingdom here on earth. In this act, so many things have followed. Community/family dinners, putting our pjs on at 7:30 and hanging out in the hall where all our doors meet (which at a later point in the evening usually turns to me grabbing my tooth brush and Annie getting upset over the fact that I’m brushing my teeth and still talking to her at the same time!:) ), witnessing Gretchen truly make strides in walking faithfully as she unquestionably simplifies life and packs up to move to Cambodia chasing her call (a phenomenal process for me to watch so personally), and turning up at home after work only to get caught up in a conversation in the kitchen about life and faith with Liz, who is in the process of seeking a Ph. D. What a house, I do believe! These women, gifted in photography, words, wisdom, creativity- a common rhythm of faith throughout.

Faith Throughout: And this leads me back to the beginning, “Surrender.” This has been a BIG area for me-to believe that in walking out my faith, day by day, surrender is my best play. It is so difficult for me to trust that in ALL things He is working out my journey. Some times are easier than others. It does seem obscure to me that in the times I feel I should be laying down deeper roots I am actually loosening the grip of my culture. No, I’m not going anywhere right now, but in making loose the stuff of my life, I feel a great ability to care about the deeper things of life.

I've emptied the thoughts which have been brewing for a while. I do believe that is all for now, save for a few end notes...

***I have been listening to Kari Jobe sing “Revelation Song” while writing this post. Google it or go to YouTube and give it a listen. Don’t watch the video, you’ll be distracted! Listen to the words. “Jesus your name is power, breath, and living water, such a marvelous mystery.”

***This blog is about me, but I truly don’t want it to be ABOUT ME. I hope in your reading, you might find yourself moved or challenged, tempted to view life through the scope- “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”-James 4:14- and finding purpose in viewing life from this place.

there's just not enough of it...i'm not referring to love here

One of my biggest frustrations is time. Yes, I frequently waste it on unimportant things and often I'm frustrated at the trap of time, being stuck in a classroom, in a car, at work...all the while my head is spinning with a to do list. (Can you tell I just got out of sitting in my car for 4.5 hours?) Very much worth the time to drive to Powers for some family time, but as I left I felt I hadn't had enought time there. Another day, maybe 2, would have been fantastic. I was able to see everyone (mostly and at least briefly), but when I think of going home, I also dream about sitting in the downstairs room, surrounded by mounted animal heads (aka dad's trophies), reading for half the day followed by opportunity to sit with my thoughts and write a few things down. I really can't complain, I'm being quite selfish, I know I have so much time in my life that many others don't. It just feels so fragmented and that is so unfulfilling. So, as I drove the the road-12 miles into my drive back to Portland-I realized my need/desire for more time to "just be" will ONLY be satisfied by Eternity. "Well, Lord, for all the books that pile up and don't get finished because I have other priorities, maybe I could just speak to the authors some day." I think I remember having that thought. Anyway, time...it just gets to me all to often. In many Latin American countries they say "manana" (translation-tomorrow). We will take care of it tomorrow, no problem, no worries, pura vida, manana. I need more of that in my life!

2010

I set some new goals for this year...some of them are still being worked out, some of them are set. It's good to have something to focus on and move intentionally toward. However, I find that if I do not look over these goals frequently, they mean nothing to helping me on my way! My employer in Florida, who I learned so much from just watching, was accountable to a board of individuals who reviewed his work quarterly. It seems like such a tedious way to live, especially for a big dreamer like me who thinks running off to another country sounds like a good idea 3/4 of the time, but I've found even that is possible to put in place as a goal! Learning Spanish continues to be on my agenda and as I move in the vein of becoming a nurse, this seems even more essential and useful. I'm praying for opportunities.

It's also a goal of mine to be on here once a week this year. I used to love getting on here to spill my thoughts and was always encouraged by the support I received in sharing some of what I thought were my inner stirrings. I feel it's a good habit to let others into my process, especially my family who it seems I often lack the right way to say just what I want to say.

I'm thankful for last year, so many things. Last night on my run, I realized how blessed I am to be working where I am. I work at a breakfast-lunch place in PDX that has been around for 20 years and has a very SOLID base of regulars. God provided much in this job and I love the physical work on my feet moving around all day. It's very tiring and people can drive me crazy hollering their orders at me while I make pear mimosas (especially on holidays), but I am oh so thankful to have work. And I'm thankful for God's faithfulness to continue to reveal the path before me, piece by piece. Applications are being sent this month for nursing school and I'm hopeful/prayerful about the possibilities. OHSU is top on the list!

Moving forward in 2010...

Looking through old computer folders

and I came across something I wrote a while back. For some reason, I'm just up for sharing!

most of my times begin in the war zone…I show up with a sour attitude which I’m not proud of and say “ok, God, I’m here” and I just sit for a while and stare at scripture that does not penetrate my caged heart. But then I start to confess my perceived thoughts of a God who is not near and does not care and will not show up and I actually here what I am saying and realize my experience is to the contrary and my heart softens as I am honest with the One who created me, knit me together fiber for fiber, gave me the emotions I live with, the attitude that perpetuates my problems, the heart that beats in my ears when all is silent

Showing up is so important, transformation follows.

Press fruit and you get juice.

It amazes me, when I am pressed and crunched in life, when my time is being demanded in many directions-this is when I am filled with inspiration to write, share, etc. An outlet for all the incoming, maybe.

Ok, I'm not about to teach you anything from statistics or anatomy tonight, but none-the-less, a download before I drift toward coveted sleep.

Life these days looks like:
-pages and pages of reading
-stacks of papers
-ti 89 calculators
-pencils
-lots of eraser bits (mistakes:) )
-coffee
-enya (pandora)
-coffee
-enya
-(work)
-an awkward walk (due to a shoulder bag filled with 50lbs of books)
-orange highlighters
-notecards
-enya
-notecards
-coffee
-pretty coffee
-pandora
-binders
-notecards
AND me! Wrapped up in a scarf, tucked under a hat, iphone beating to the rhythms of Enya, propped on chair, hugging a mug, lost in my own world as I chase Him who has inspired this fresh, exhilarating path...which includes...
-pages and pages of reading
-stacks of papers
-ti 89 calculators
-pencils
-lots of eraser bits (mistakes:) )
-coffee
-enya (pandora)
-coffee
-enya
-(work)
-an awkward walk (due to a shoulder bag filled with 50lbs of books)
-orange highlighters
-notecards
-enya
-notecards
-coffee
-pretty coffee
-pandora
-binders
-notecards

This time of year...

is back to school. I got a hair cut, I've gutted my closet (this happens all the time though), and I'm relishing the last days of August...all murmurs of the past and preparation for Labor day weekend and back to school. It's so ingrained in our lifestyles from age 6 on up, and sometimes at even earlier ages. And I've made a life-changing decision and am taking on the title, "non-traditional" student. I'm committing myself to school again and pursuing my second bachelor's degree, BSN= Bachelor of Science in Nursing. Over the past few months and especially 6 weeks, I've been doing some major research and thinking, reflecting on the past, present, and forging the journey forth! Suddenly, something fits---makes sense for me right now---puts wind and excitement in my sails---gives me structure to live, thrive, spend my life in. So, this is me, heading back to school!

Thinking much on prayer

God does not live in the finite, but in the infinite. He does not see matters as 'big' or 'small' because He lives in the infinite. Possibilities everywhere. Pray as a necessity, with faith, pray all things.

Mark 11
22 Jesus was matter-of-fact: “Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, 23 and nothing will be too much for you. This mountain, for instance: Just say, ‘Go jump in the lake’—no shuffling or shilly-shallying—and it’s as good as done. 24 That’s why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything, ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you’ll get God’s everything. 25 And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it’s not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive—only then will your heavenly Father be inclined to also wipe your slate clean of sins.”

Dating

This area of my life has seen a little more action recently, but it hasn't really been all that exciting! I think dating is great, but I also feel it's overrated when there is no mutual connection. I'm not the type to date , just for the sake of dating... And I think if you're reading this, you already know that about me. But I dare say it is definitely necessary and it is allowing me to pull out more of the core, essential patterns in a partner that I'm looking for! A most recent experience, I found myself on the first as well as second date working very hard at making any sort of conversation! Usually not difficult for me, but in this case there was not much return or assistance! Ugh!!! The show must go on and so the story continues. At any rate, it's experiences like this that move me forward. On with the journey!

It seems to be working!!

Hooray Tech Savvy

Well, not too savvy, but I think I figured out how to post via my iPhone. That translates to sharing more frequently PDX life!

Test

June Photos- Post #1

My housemate Annie (center) was unable to properly celebrate her 30th birthday back in December due to our outrageous snow storm. So, a few of us gathered to celebrate her half birthday with a successful surprise party at Urban Fondue.

Annie, Steph, and Gretchen celebrating Annie's "30.5"!

Jill, Stephen, and Annie.

My good friends Katie (roomie from Vancouver days) and Karin who I spent time with at YL Malibu in Canada back in 2002! Both are friends I'm rediscovery Portland with, happy hour and hiking!

Where is June? {Post #2}

I totally missed any kind of random release of thoughts in June. I'm gettting more and more out of the habit of getting on here to process and I miss it, I do. I keep telling myself I will write an update once a week...if for no other reason than it being an outlet that I allow (mostly) free-flowing thoughts, as well as strange and passion filled hopes, reflections, and contemplations.

June went by much too swiftly, but was filled with fun. I am enjoying my neighborhood, I am enjoying the house, I am enjoying my housemates, and I am taking in more and more of Portland every week.

New ideas surface constantly. Some stick while most fade. Most recently has been a return to the ever occuring perplexity and wonder of prayer. A very good friend and I are beginning to meet every other week early on Friday mornings to talk about those things which we feel drive our existence ie faith and aspects of a life lived turned toward Jesus. We aren't meeting to explain to each other what we think are the answers, it seems more questions than answers rise out of our conversations and that is thanks to a bit more wisdom as time passes. It's GOOD to have someone to process with and thankfully I am surrounded by people who walk that path alongside me.

A great friend is one who walks with you asking you questions all along the way and allowing you to come to your own determination.

And, I keep coming back to the idea of school. I am ultimately headed that direction and have released the need to fix it into a time table and instead am discovering the possibilities. That's all I'll share on that for now. I need to work out my own way before I am swayed by too many opinions. And, I need to be sure of it myself before I allow others to fasten the idea as a fact instead of just a possibility!

So, July- here you are and I can already hear celebrations of Independence Day.

movement...

describes my life!

movement to a beautiful house with some great ladies. i'm so glad to be in a house and it's wonderful to have roommates again.

(the new place)

movement up a hill with some co-workers yesterday, the gorge on the WA side and a trek up Hamilton's mountain. waterfalls to keep us energized and a great view from the top. i'm planning to take advantage of living in the nw again and it's soon summertime!

(planning to top that point)

(beautiful views from the ridgeline)

(a waterfall shared it's mist to cool us)

movement to the rhythms of christopher williams about a month ago. annie (one new roomie) and i hosted the singer/songwriter for an evening and what a great night.

(so great to have a crowd gather in the apt. and shake up the neighborhood!)

movement toward fullest life possible. i'm in a continued conversation with my Creator as to how i might best live each year, each day of the year, each hour of the day, each minute of the hour. life, a gift, and i want to love well and live well.

because i am alive, i will...

You should be FIRED...

I know it sounds harsh, but you really didn't do your job today! Your sign, the one you carried through the whole race (thanks for that), said "9:30 pace setter" when in fact you were running at a 9 and even possibly a sub 9 minute mile. So, you really shouldn't be a pace-setter if you're not going to run accordingly.

:)

We took off out of the shoot this morning at 7:01.07am, rounded the corner to cut under I-5 before crossing into downtown PDX, and came upon the pace-setter for the 9-and-a-half minute mile group. I told the girls this morning that I hoped to finish in under 2:05 so when we saw the runner carrying the sign, we decided to follow suit. After about 2 miles we started to feel like the pace was a bit quick and finally at mile 3, I checked our time and indeed we were under 9 minutes per mile! I think the runner finally realized she was going too fast because she slowed up significantly at mile 3. Well, I'm really not complaining, just teasing and it made for a few jokes during the race that she should be fired! It was a great distraction through some of the uphill climbs and I'm actually thankful she set us off to a GOOD, STRONG pace to finish the race in 1:59.22! I'm ecstatic to have finished in under 2 hours, even if only by seconds.:)

Connie and Alisa were great company on this run and we had phenominal running weather. Currently, I'm slouched down in my comfy couch and enjoying the conclusion of this training stint. Thanks to the neighborhoods around my apartment, the tunes on my iPod, and the ups and downs of NE/SE PDX-it's been a good round. I'm looking forward to the next!

away today...

Away today on a personal retreat. Looking back thru old journals,
sitting here at Skamania lodge with a fire and a view of the Columbia
yet my soul is a bit disturbed from these old writings..."Dream of all
Dreams" WOW!!! Not what I dream about these days. Why have I spent so
much time in angst over what God was up to in my life. I get the
feeling I missed out on some living, but then am reminded of the
process of the journey. That immaturity, ridiculous prayers and
dreams, stages, chapters, and growth are just a part of life and
living. I think it's safe to say, I truly feel alive and in my own
skin thanks to escaping my 20's!!! And partly thanks to those old
journals that (though painful to reread) allowed me to empty myself
onto a page. I will look back at these years and feel some of the
same, some pain from prayers seemingly unattended to by the hand of my
Father, yet with swells of hope for the life He IS giving.

I'm sitting with 1 question today and have not been able to wrangle
the many thoughts into a simple answer. The question, "What RIDICULOUS
prayer are you praying in this season?". It's not that I am unaware of
my wants desires needs etc, but how do you answer that...what is so
ridiculous that the only way to explain it is "but God." And how can I
simplify it into 1 ridiculous prayer when truthfully there are
potentially many. But God, so capable "and the reality is nothing is
too difficult for God." So, pray away I will, all my ridiculous
prayers, and be happy to live in to life as I wish I might have in
those old journals.

Sent from my iPhone

Blog #2 for Today (INSPIRATION SWELLS)

Pardon my disheveled thoughts...running causes my mind to jump to and fro...

Just finished 8 miles, best training run yet. Of course, how could it not be running along the Coquille river, alone with my thoughts and iPod. The weather parted for me as I headed out. It's been wet and chilly, I just ran in the sun and mild temperatures. :) Walked out the door with iPod in hand. Usually plug in U2 or some tempo, upbeat music to keep me moving, but today I needed something different, something more. I needed a good run. Scrolled through to a mix Annie made me entitled "Because He Love You." Prayed, "Lord I need to be inspired today. Inspire me through this run." OK!

Some lyrics I just must share from this run-----

"I didn't promise you skies painted blue, or all colored flowers all your days through. I didn't promise you sun with no rain, joys without sorrow, peace without pain. All that I promise is strength for this day, rest for my worker, light on your way. I'll give you truth when you need it, My help from above. Undying friendship, My unfailing love."

Please have a listen...it'll hit you at the core.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=et-4WksmFkk

Oh! The whole cd is full of lyrics stirring my soul that I actually forgot I was running. That happens every so often, when my feet and breathing are in sync and I am allowed too get lost in thought and prayer. Thanks God, for a lovely run and some inspiration.

One last thought to share from my run. I'm captured by pictures that bring about the idea of faith, you can see part of the path before you, but the rest is left to trusting in what you can't see. You've see a couple of these before, but a new one from today too!

Cocoa Beach Board Walk

Above: cable for zip line through canopies in Costa Rica. The bar is where my left hand held tight over the canyon below! Could not see where the end was...

Powers, the road running along the Coquille River.

A few steps beyond my own...

I know I've mentioned previously how great it has been to be back in Portland and reconnecting with people face to face, a gift and a treasure. Sometimes it feels like no time has passed in my quick stint apart from this city though it becomes obvious when I ponder life then and now. Obvious in how I live, living more fully and less stressed about what I need to do, where I need to be, who I need to be, how I need to live...everyday is filled with something unusually wonderful and that seems just a simple matter of perspective.

Last week I dropped in to see Rena and we spent an entire afternoon visiting, about life, present-past-future. I always leave our visits feeling secure in where I am and what God is doing around me. There is something settling about just being with certain people who have walked a few steps beyond my own. Whenever we connect, she always reminds me she has been praying for me and wondering what's been going on in my life! Rich counsel hovers our conversation without even formally making an entrance into the room. We drift in and out discussing life, God, people in our lives, travel... it is always a gift!

Aaaahhhh...

Spring, lovely Spring! The flowers are popping out, it's 7:22 and still light out, the sun (was, will be again soon) shining...signs of life are coming from multiple sources, it's always good for the soul when the winter breaks and newness comes through.

And spring cleaning!!! Actually, I don't think I have any spring cleaning to do because it tends to happen monthly in my world. I don't know why, but I love getting rid of stuff that I no longer have use for. I think it's the idea that someone else could probably get more use out of this _________ that's been sitting in the closet for the last year. Minimalism becomes me. In fact, I have a feeling (have recently owned the feeling) regarding a particular neurotic pressure...I feel pressure to read everything that comes in the mail...fliers, magazines (cover to cover), inserts...not necessarily ads, thankfully etc. And I've realized this stems from that innate psycholocial pressure to get rid of things. Read the magazine and put it away. Read the mail and put it in the recycling bin. I do not like things to pile up. Alas, I am quite unsuccessful in this and am learning to let it go! It's so insignificant in life! Yes, there are magazines on my table and bits of mail still to be read! I'd really rather be outside as life springs up than sitting in my place reading cover to cover!

P.S. It's a bad idea for you to send me a subscription to the Oregonian!:)

The 'fish' that got away...

:) This post begins with a smile, I'm smiling at your comment, "UR," from the last post. :) Another smile! Well, I can't say there was one fish in particular that got away, but rather a few fish that have "bumped" the line. I think that's what dad calls it, when a fish swims past, but doesn't take the bait. Oh dear Uncle, you will most certainly know when one is on the line (Kind of like the time you had the sturgeon and he unexpectedly took y'all for a ride! Am I getting the story right?)

On another note, one thing I'm realizing in my return to the big city of PDX is the concept of "I know no strangers." Sure, there are strangers, but I either run into someone I know, am somehow connected to a new face through a mutual friend, or I just make new friends quickly. Let me see if I can explain....


The past few days, I have had a friend from the Bandon Dunes (one of the chefs I worked with) visiting and we ate our way through Portland. Last night, we headed out for a lovely evening at a local, small, wine bar just down the street from my place. It was dead all evening so the owner pulled up a chair and began to enlighten our present understanding of food and wine. Quite entertaining and informative. Fairly quickly, we had another person join the table, then another and another. All of the 'joiners' knew each other because they were all studying for their master's in wine...Sommeliers (pronounced so-mall-yay...basically). It really was facinating to hear the process and all the elements that go into producing wine. Well, we ended up spending the entire evening sitting there with strangers, talking as if we'd all known each other for years. I often wonder about situation like this and ask, "how did that happen," but more importantly am pleased that it does.

short thoughts

i'm living in a frequency this week in which i feel as if my thoughts are short circuiting. i have trouble completing sentences and more importantly thoughts. so, here's the short list:

i'm most likely moving again. to a house in the neighborhood with a few other gals. sharing walls with my neighbor is causing tension in my life. a house, please!

my feet hurt-standing and walking in circles all day...this may be a contributor to my short thoughts... all day i'm humming soy, coffee, wheat, whites only, mocha add shot ..................i really like my job! (i'm being serious)

i had dinner tonight with a couple who live in bolivia (south america) and who i continue to meet in my travels to central and south america (including cuba). i wonder what may unfold when these meetings continue to happen. AND will obama raise the embargo?

boys keep dropping in and out of my life. i'll let you know when one sticks for longer than usual. until then, be at peace with the knowledge that there are in fact still fish in the sea! :)

i finally have a couch. i'm still sitting in my wooden chair looking at the couch across the room. it's a nice couch!

my fridge is pretty empty and not because i don't go to the grocery store. i'm learning that it is actually possibly cheaper to meet friends for happy hour than to keep a stocked kitchen. food spoils quickly when your feeding one. (social reasons not included in preceding comment)

i attended an ash wednesday service this past week. the mantra rattling through my head from that evening, the phrase they continued to repeat as they marked every individuals forehead with ashes in the sign of the cross "remember, from dust you came, to dust you shall return."

i subconsciously think i'm still in florida where the winter weather is chilly (40's to 50's) for a few days and then back in the 70s. i keep thinking warm weather is just a few days away and it is not yet spring.

i'm getting wrinkles. i don't know if this is stress from my neighbor or age related. if it is the latter, i welcome them for they mean that i have lived many fine days. if the former, let them disappear and be replaced with time, not stress.

i'm getting old. saturday night, 10:17 pm and this chick is off to bed!

resolute!

(I'm not going to comment on my disappearance from blogging (though I just did!). )

Quick update: I am an employed woman now and enjoying my job as a "bartender" at a great, well established Portland restaurant just 5 blocks from my apartment. I put bartender in quotes because I don't feel my job is what one traditionally thinks of when they hear the word. My barista experience has come back to provide a fun job in this crazy economy and I'm thankful. Blah blah blah, I don't really feel like talking about the surfacey events in my life and my intent with my musings on here is to offer more heart spoken, vulnerable contemplations on my life, maybe more so my inside life though my outside life and inside life are married and I intend to keep it that way. Here I go on a tangent...............I don't desire to live one without the other and this blog has been an essential part of the process to let my inside world out! :)

Here we go, journeying forward, again.

So, I recently (last November) spent a weekend with my former employer from Florida, Greg Wiens and another one of the staff members, Max Strothers from Florida. I was invited to Kennewick, WA to sit in on a church consultation. I won't go into details about that because it would take pages and is not the point. My time in Florida was MONUMENTAL-STRATEGIC-FOREVER IMPRESSING on my development. It has not stopped and I continue to desire this for my own life because it has channeled itself into deep, moving conversations into other lives as well. That time with Greg and Max led to another opportunity for personal development. During my Orlando venture, Greg introduced me to new ideas and tools for personality assessment and knowing who I am, how I'm wired, what makes me tick etc. Something he required for staff and which I embraced wholeheartedly. I even had to take a few tests before I went to Florida for the interview. This was just the beginning of my exposure and upon my trip to Kennewick, Max offered more of the same. So, this past week I spent a few hours taking personality tests--- emotional intelligence, conflict management, how I operate in certain situations, how I view the world, myself etc etc. on and on! I love this stuff! Just yesterday, I spent a long phone conversation going over the details of the assessment as Max took me through the results and showed me where he was reading especially between the lines. I am continually being informed which causes me to keep working out the details in life. For example, I am an avoider and accommodater in conflict situations...not good because then I begin to destroy the inside of me while the other person is happily contented to win over the situation. I'm not saying that's bad for them, just that it's not good to deal with conflict by avoiding it, HELLO. I think we all know this, I'm asking Max, "How do I begin to operate differently, how do I approach those situations." Over the course of the phone call, insight fell before me as my phone went dead. We decided I would chew on what I had and discuss more again soon. Again, I love this stuff! If you're curious about yourself, I can suggest some great books.

Parker Palmer-Let Your Life Speak

Tom Rath-StrengthsFinder 2.0 (Includes a phenominal test to discovering your wonderful abilities)

Marcus Buckingham-Now, Discover Your Strengths (the first version of StrengthsFinder 2.0)

Gary Chapman-The Five Love Languages

Those are a good start. And, I'm sure there are others...IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO DISCOVER/REDISCOVER WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU WERE KNIT TOGETHER BY GOD HIMSELF.

Keep checking me, I'm lining them up so you're not bombarded with one blog update!

Something is Brewing

Let's just say it's felt like a long time since I've had inspiration to write out my thoughts and share. I haven't understood why, the ebb and flow effect I guess, but I sense a newness stirring and a desire to get back on here with my inside thoughts!

The last few weeks, there have been a handful of nights where I've woken up at 4:30AM for no apparent reason. I'm just far enough "out there" to believe that sometimes God has something to do with those early stirrings. I've actually asked on occasion for Him to wake me if there's something I need to pray for or listen for. It's in those midnight hours where white noise ceases to exist, my thoughts have stopped running in circles, and I'm too out of it to be concerned about the next days events...that's when He slides in and stirs. It's exciting to me as well, I feel like I get to partner in something bigger than my individual life and daily stresses. So......I......Pray. Whatever/whoever comes to mind. And then I sensed Him asking, "Steph, what do you need?" And I answered listing off things in my life that I'd like to see some answered prayer, specifically in the line of a job. And then as I rambled on with my list, I sensed Him bending the question, "Steph, what does you heart need?" I instantly knew the answer! God I need to know You care about my little life and circumstances right now. I really need to see you step in the gap and move on my behalf.

I believe He is and will fill in where I have need. I've been reading through Colossians over and over the last 6 weeks. Sometimes verses just stick and the one hanging on my thoughts...

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness. -Col. 2:6

That's something I can chew on for...a year perhaps! What does it mean for my life to receive Christ? How do I live and continue to live in Him? Hard times? Easy times? How am I rooted in Him? What/who is part of the process of my being built up in Him? How am I strengthened in the faith? Am I overflowing with thankfulness? When I look around, is life simple (as it should be) and am I grateful as I should be?

I believe 2009 is going to be an incredible year for me. I'm not special, that's not why I think it's going to be great. I'm just barely wise enought to know it's not about me and I just want to make the most of what is and not pine for what is not. Carpe diem! Seize the day!

My Favorite Christmas Hymn

Upon hearing this song, my senses are brought back to a softened space. One of adoration and thanksgiving, admiration, declaration, celebration. In awe of the gift that is Emmanuel, God with us; in flesh, Christ the Lord, baby Jesus whose birth we celebrate in CHRISTmas.

Merry Christmas to all you readers. May the words of this hymn cause a kind of peace and joy that no other store bought gift can evoke.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

AND BLESSINGS AS WE START ANOTHER YEAR

FRESH AND NEW!

Journey where? The life and times of my obscure journeys!

Yes, you have journeyed with me to Costa Rica, to Florida, across the country and back, to South America, Puerto Rico...we've gone to a few places. Yes, you've also journeyed with me emotionally through up and downs, new things and old, losses and gains. Sometimes you didn't know it, but you were there through boy stuff too!;) I may not have metioned it directly, but my emotions were there causing my thought process to wander where it might.

Let me take you with me on a journey through furnitutre shopping. Oh, the lessons learned walking past sofa after sofa, chair after chair. The questions of getting a sleeper or not- where does company stay in a one bedroom apt. with wood floors? Thanks to the insight of a dear friend, "I'd rather sleep on a blow-up bed than a sleeper-sofa!" Thank you, Shannon!!! You just made my life a little easier.

I actually bought a sofa and chair (side note...I'm not sure what the difference is, someone please inform me, between a sofa and a couch) but just today returned it. It wasn't the kind you could wrap up in a blanket and vege with a movie or a book. I felt like I was falling forward off of it. Good looking couch, totally not comfortable or functional for my needs! (I am talking about couches/sofas, not men!) I learned that you really need to take a blanket, throw pillow, and a book with you when you go shopping. Just tell the sales person you're looking for the right couch and you might be taking a nap on one or two of those on display. I have found that they are more than ok with that. In fact, they encourage the lounging! Honestly, that is the only way I think it's possible to know if it's a fit. The tension between quality, cost, and namebrand has also been an interesting process. Unfortunately, IKEA had a great couch, but upon inspection, the craftsmanship and detail was surprising and not what I expected for the price they ask.

So, as much as I'm "over it!" in regards to shopping for a cozy couch, I've learned a great deal about furniture!

Kansas without Toto!

Well, I have just returned from my last trip of the year! A trip to Kansas City to visit my dear friends (formerly from FL) Erin and Steve. Thanks to flight points which lead to free travel, I've made use of my "down time." I had a great time picking out Christmas trees, eating chili and watching college football, shopping for baby stuff with Erin, going to the Plaza for sushi and to see the lights; a very festive weekend. It's good to be back in PDX, ready for the Christmas season and settling into a rhythm.

Me, with Charlie Brown's Christmas tree!

Steph, Baby Payton, and Erin with their Christmas tree!

Of course we went to Starbucks for a hot beverage! It's was chilly!

Another Reflection

I'm looking at the title of this blog, ready to go home (I'm sitting here at the cafe listening to 3 gentlemen gabbing in another language, clearly it IS NOT Spanish!), but I need to get this out.

Journey Forth, travel forward, this blog has been about movement and experiencing life out there instead of just sitting in my cozy little compartment of life. And, as I sit here in Portland, for 2 weeks now, I find myself in the job hunt in what so many are calling a recession/depression. Yes, I could get worried and anxious, but I am making a daily choice not to. It has never changed my circumstances in the past and it's such a waste of good energy. So, as I hunt and wait and pray and hope and apply, I've caught myself forming the criticizing sentence, "Steph, you did this to yourself. Looking for another job because you keep moving and changing etc etc." And yet, this blog would not exist if I had not decided to change and take a chance, to venture out into the unknown. My looking for another job is the premium necessary to have had the amazing experiences that I've had!

I have a book I've been carrying with me to coffee the past week. I came across it unpacking my boxes and I don't remember who gave it to me, but it was a gift. The name, Simple Truths. It has several very short chapters and today I sat here and read the one entitled, "On Travel." You know what, I'm glad I'm looking for yet another job! I would have missed so much of what has caused so much growth in my life and in working out internally and externally who I am, who I was created to be...and doing that with vulnerability and authenticity.

Some quotes from that chapter:

• If we don't offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder...
• Travel, no matter how humble, will etch new elements in your character.
• When I am old, and my body has begun to fail me, my memories will be waiting for me.

I'm not suggesting that life is all about travel and if you don't then you haven't lived. I AM suggesting that my state of affairs, the job hunt, is a necessary and welcome consequence to my need to travel and move in order to find that drum, that beat which I walk to. We all find it at different times in life and through our own journey. Changing jobs and looking for new ones has been my journey. I'm owning that! I've learned how satisfying it can be to simply work at a restaurant. I've found delight in learning about my coworkers, their stories, where they've been in pain and joy, sharing life...and I've been lucky as many of those relationships continue far beyond my employment.

I am blessed and hunting for another job!

About the new profile pic...

I don't actually know where the photo is, but one of my family members found the slide of this picture and gave it to me a while back. It makes me smile...I ADORED that swim suit. I don't know why, I just thought it was the coolest thing ever. Rogue River, where this was taken, I have so many memories of this place. Some include sunshine and playing in Foster Creek, others include lots of rain and melting the bottom of my brand new velcro school shoes trying to dry by the fire, and still others place me too close to big bears! No kidding and more than once!

The First Test

Or in other words, the first rain! I'm in my new place in NE Portland, wearing a smile on my face, strolling the leaf covered streets, meeting my new neighbors, getting to know the coffee shops in my neighborhood, walking to the grocery store, basically enjoying myself and my place here. In this new place, I imagine life without relying on a car. All of my basic needs are within 4 blocks, even the US Post Office. Then this morning, I stepped out the door and it was raining. "Will I really walk?", I asked myself. Yes, I have to. Even if I wanted to drive, I wouldn't find a closer parking spot! I pulled out the umbrella along with the rain jacket and off I went. I'm going to need those rainboots this winter if I keep up the walking! I do not enjoy wet socks or feet! I'm no duck! GO BEAVS!!! (My plug for civil war!)

My heart belongs in the city right now. I don't entirely understand it, but I come alive here and feel a great sense of purpose. I'm still on the hunt for a job, but am fixed this week and praying for a particular job at "lucy." With each step, I'm navigating. One of those phrases from the past that keeps popping into my conscience...AND I TRUST IN YOU. I believe God for provision and am thankful for times like this when I have to rely on Him. I want my life to be the proof of His work on our behalf! If we would but stop ourselves and allow Him access, I wonder what kind of motion that would create?!

These two pictures are blown up and sitting on the mantel above my fireplace. They remind me of where I've been and where I'm going. I can only see so far down the boardwalk, but I know beauty, here in the sun rising, will be one part of the journey.

Oregon, I'm falling in love

It's me! Yeah, I'm actually on here and in my happy place ie cup of coffee, free wifi, passerbys meandering in and out of the rain. This, this is what inspires me to get on my laptop and start tap, tapping away!

So, hello again! I'm in Portland this week looking for jobs/apts and feeling extremely excited. I do believe I'm in on a very cool place, but I've got to wait for the final call. It's in the Irvington district and everything I need is walkable (grocery store, restaurants, coffee shops, post office, cleaners, mall, max line to downtown)! It's wonderful. I have thoughts of San Jose Costa Rica where I walked and rode public transportation everywhere. (Cute boys too, yay!;)!!!) And, jobs are looking up too as I finally have a polished resume ready to go. I just can't wait to settle into a place. It's gonna feel like Christmas opening up all my belongings that have been boxed since Florida! Wow, if I ever....no never mind cause I'm sure I will!

So, Oregon and falling in love. I started to realize a few months ago that I am definitely a NW girl. A few weeks ago, I went on an afternoon bachelorette winery tour with some great friends. Dundee OR looks like Tuscany. Not that I've been to Italy, but it looks like pictures from Under the Tuscan Sun and the Olive Garden Menu! I didn't know Oregon had it in her, but I'm proud; wine, ocean, mountains, fall, changing leaves, rain (yes that too, used my umbrella today for the first time in a few years!), runners, bikers, Trader Joes! It's good to be here.

I did leave
and then returned.
Fixing my face forward,
finding the way today,
here.

Here, I returned.
Readied to leave,
hastened to FIGURE IT OUT,
mysteries.

Mystery affords beauty which captures.
Leaving it a mystery, beauty embellishes
and I return to
this beautiful mess...life.

Life fully embraced.
Anchored in One,
returning, no not returning!
Ever onward.

London, England 2012?

I went on a long bike ride this evening. It was beautiful, beautiful winding road-up and down-on my way through the Siskyou National Forest. The river off to my right eventually turned into a very rocky, narrow gorge with tall, old timber clinging to the banks offering a picturesque backdrop to my panting up...up...up...burning quads and knuckles holding tight pushing-pulling my way with slight glances to the right calming my mind and easing my breath. This is God's country! It truly is one of the most beautiful places in the world. Yes, I love mountains and snow, palm trees and white sand, warm beaches and fresh tropical fruit, but this place is untouched, undiscovered, still a hidden treasure that others have not yet seen, have seen and can appreciate, have seen and are accustomed to. My soul connects with creation in this place...even when I'm panting on an uphill ride.

My adrenaline is flowing on rides such as this and with it an outpouring of thoughts. I usually come back in from a ride (or run for that matter) ready to conquer, inspired to walk outside the norm, ready to move move move! I come back with gumption. Yes, that's the word-with courage and spunk and guts! You can still hear it through the keys on my computer, can't you?!?


All that to bring me to this point. I've come to an understanding of making plans vs. setting goals. These always fell into the same category before, but something in me has learned, or decided and understood the need to differentiate. I've stated numerous times, I don't want to plan right now, I'm just praying. Well, I've felt very unproductive and decided part of praying is also making decisions, not waiting for heaven to fall on my face! I have this opt-out attitude when it comes to making decisions for my future. I'm looking for someone else to decide...how cowardly of me. Plans vs. goals-of course they look the same so often. Plans, the action to reaching a goal and the decision to put in the effort/discipline to reach the goal. The point is-I have to set goals, I need them to move me forward and there is a difference between making plans and setting goals. There are SO many books out there and numerous advisers who would encourage one to set 1, 2, 5, 10 year goals etc. I have a list of dreams, but I've never written down what I'd like to accomplish in the next 5 years. I'm not sure if that is laziness or fear of adding pressure and a "get it done" kind of lifestyle. I kinda like meandering.


My friend Sara likes to tease me about "what's next?". We ran our first marathon together and since then she seems to think I've always got something up my sleeve! My last visit to Portland, we went on a long walk and I shared about wanting to buy an around-the-world ticket to travel the world, sell my car and live in NY city because I'm sick of gas prices and want to attempt to live independent of a vehicle (yes, these ideas come after my runs!;) ), move to Nashville, open a restaurant etc etc etc.! I'm worn out! Too many plans! So, it comes down to my goals in life. What are those 2, 5, 10 year goals? Here is one for you, the next 4 year goal is to go to the Olympics, 2012 in London England! I'm already so ecstatic and recruiting folks to come along. No, silly! I'm not competing. I've followed the trials in Eugene, track and field, and was in awe of those athletes. Just sit back and watch them move, the human body amazes me. And it seems so wierd, but something in me clicked as soon as I decided I wanted to go and watch. Something in me settled and decided it's time to buckle up and work hard, save money and make some great plans for attending. I can feel some of you chuckling at this random silliness, but honestly, I don't have a husband or a family or a career I'm passionate about which would lead me to staying put. And something this simple has clicked. Or maybe I just needed the next goal to look forward to. Something to achieve.


So, in the last post I said I was going to share something on the single life. I've been doing some market research :) and some reading and long time reflecting. Here is one simple blip from my experience. Timing is everything. As much as I'll admit hoping for a harp player (another story here), I've really been more concerned with myself and understanding what I have to offer, learning who I am and what I can give to others, before that is determined for me, before I accept what is culturally expected from my small town roots, to my church background, to my own desires and where they stem from. I know what my mom is thinking, "Steph, stop thinking about it" oh but that's not me. I'm an analyzer and you'll love me for every bit of it! I realize there is no end to learning about ourselves, but I'm absolutely grateful for the last few years of turmoil, growth, friendships, travel, moves across the country, foreign territory (physical, emotionl, relational, spiritual) etc.

Note to the reader:
These posts feel very random and wordy lately. I think I could gab at you and go on and on buzzing about and, well, I hope I'm just getting to the point too. Thankful for your kindness in my randomness.:)

Hello! (out of practice=randomness!)

Wow, too long since I've been on here. There have definitely been moments (especially on my commute) where I've wanted to write my thoughts down, but then I get home and distracted and it doesn't happen.

I don't have a lot to share on here, yet. I'm not really sure I have much to share at all, inspiration is running thin these days and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's the lazy days of summer, maybe my crazy hours (though I'm enjoying the restaurant environment), maybe I'm around people all the time and find that I don't spend as much time internally carrying on a conversation! Just a different place these past few months.

I purposely came home without much of a plan. I had a plan, but I've got many of those. Depending on the day I may be headed back to Portland or jet-setting and on my way to Europe. AND I've heard plenty of reasons why both should be the right next adventure. My problem= making a decision!:) I'm realizing the great value of stopping and digging in to a place. I did some of that in FL, but think my roots didn't go too deep because I was so far from home. I used to think I needed to be out somewhere in the world serving God, maybe a third world or developing country, maybe some place on the other side of the states. I've known in my head and have come to understand, our serving the Lord does not depend on place but function. I hate the saying but it is so true, "Bloom where you are planted." It's so cliche, but fitting! I'm chasing that perfect place to plant, but it does not exist. It is merely heaven planted in my heart. It makes me look forward to what is ahead.

So, I had a mentor/pastor encourage me to continue to write and go back through some old journals. I'm planning on it, but I'm so scattered right now I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm living in two places (three the next few weeks) and moving about with my pillow and suitcase! Reminds me of Costa Rica...I recall the end of my time there and looking forward to not living out of my backpack. This has stirred that want in me to make some "big girl decisions" and find a place to unpack the boxes and items I've tucked away since January. It sounds so trite, but I'm really looking forward to unpacking my coffee mugs. I wonder if that is symbolic of sitting down, journaling, and thinking about things that stir. Hhhmmm, maybe there is a connection there.

That must be it for now! I leave for work at 4:23am tomorrow and it is off to bed for me. Thanks for following.

Soon to come-something about the single life!

Pondering...

to reflect or consider with thoroughness and care.

Today, I thought to myself, "this is a day for writing." I have the urge and typing that phrase creates in me a deep stirring and an exasperated throwing up of my hands. Buried are the words, thoughts...maybe an analogy will suffice for what I'm trying to describe! Or maybe just an explanation. I was in Portland last week for the funeral of a sweet, beautiful, young woman who I had the privilege of walking beside during her high school years. In the car driving to and from, I had plenty of time to ponder and talk with God and receive His love and adore Him in return. It's in those times and moments, when my "cup runneth over" in reflecting about life, that I have millions (ok, not millions, but lots) of crashing thoughts. Some day, I do hope I will develop my ability to retain and explore the depths of those thoughts...even to the point of leaving the filter at the door. So, today is a day for writing and the thoughts, they've buried themselves for another visit. I smile because I know they have not disappeared, they're simply chained to a place I am exploring. I desire diligence in my endeavor to free them.

Pondering...success.

Thankfully, the questions I mentioned a few posts prior have relented. I've made a decision to stop living under pressure. Pressure that stems from, ME! I realize we have the great ability to determine our lives lived out. Sure, there are external influences, but we also have choices and many of those are daily choices regarding perspective and attitude. I tend to live under an element of pressure and expectation of success. Only my standard for success was not a measurement I had any control over. No, that's not even it, not control, but definition. My definition of success (and purpose) was one I had adopted from multiple sources. None evil in their own right, but none the less negative to my sense of fulfilling a purpose with my life. So, in keeping step with a book I've recently been thumbing through, it's up to me to determine, through pondering and prayer, how each day is spent in reaching to fulfill a God-given right in life...the ability to spend it...and for a righteous cause...however that might look for MY life and only my life!

So, I'm redefining. Honestly, success (in my past definition) could have been one of two paths-wife, mother etc. or climbing the career ladder, both wonderful paths, but neither that I have chosen. Time may take me by the hand and lead down one or both of those paths, but up to this moment neither of those two have secured me on their trodden ways. So, I've explained this to myself in the words of defeat, missing success. The reality is, I've ultimately, sometimes consciously other times unconsciously, chosen differently. I do desire each of those paths, at different times, but in choosing differently I've come up short. (That's what I've told myself.)Please don't get me wrong, I write this with clarity and an acute awareness that I've been a little too hard on myself. If I asked you about my life, I have no doubt that you'd affirm success, but yours is not my definition. My own rattles around in my head. Surprisingly, I've not been experiencing feelings of defeat having come home. More and more it feels like I've left those old nagging, pestering feelings in my wake and I'm on new ground. That in itself, new ground, feels good...and right.

Success-my definition-roughly, it has everything to do with loving and searching out God and then allowing Him to touch lives through mine...whatever that looks like. And that is something I'm in a conversation with the Lord about.

Well, these thoughts feel rough, but I'd rather post and feel the freedom to do so than polish and expect perfection. Perfection is not a part of my definition of a life of purpose (success).

Time Alone

So, I ended up on the couch with my Bible this morning. We had family come to town and I didn't feel much like going to church. Not yet. Maybe a cushion for avoiding more questions. It has been an overwhelming week. Not good, not bad, not hard, not easy...I'm just sort of here and trying to get my feet set on all these moving objects. It's so hard to put words to these feelings. I'm at peace with all of this, I just have no clue what I'm staring at over the horizon. No, wrong choice of word! I have no clue what I'm staring at over the hedge. (I can't think about the horizon right now, just the hedge-that's far enough!:) ) It's not a fearful place to be, again, I have peace. I'm just so used to having a plan, it is pretty refreshing to sort of sit back and pray. I know I keep talking about "just praying," but it really does feel like I'm opening the door to allow God to work this out. Now, that's exciting...I've seen what He can create!

Anyway, about my morning and the title of this particular post, "Time Alone." Hhhmm maybe that's more than the title to this post...maybe that will be a description of my summer. Not necessarily being "alone," but relishing in the opportunity I have to "lighten my load" and instead of seeking answers, seeking God.

Ok, ok back to this morning...

Luke 6:46-48
"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built."

... "dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock" It jumped out at me and made me stop and think. I need some of that...some digging, digging deeper. Some work, working out more of the particulars of my faith. Not beginning at the beginning again, but in the thick of it. Not being busy doing stuff for God and leaving Him on the side. Not calling myself a follower and then turning on the noise and tuning out the whispers that call me to a deeper connection. Not worrying about what occupation I'll throw myself into, but finding natural rhythms to walking with Christ. Not just blindly going through movements, becoming stale and losing the conversation that began in my youth and became stronger as I grew, but developing the language and context of that conversation. I'm praying that these desires would truly come from a place in my heart that is waiting to be explored.

And that takes me back to adventure...

Floating

They are there. I can sense them, lingering...almost taunting me, "Catch us if you can!"...Yes, the questions floating in my head. I'm not avoiding them, at least that's what I tell myself. No really, I am not. I'm completely comfortable with any crazy thoughts trying to find there way down into concrete words in the form of questions. Not sure if that really makes any sense!

How can I say...

I have so many questions floating around in my head. On most occasions, I've not given them an opportunity to become more than fleeting, half thoughts. Not because I don't think I can answer them. No, I have plenty of answers. I just don't think they need to be asked. It came to light on one particular stretch, driving in the desert of AZ or CA, Lindy at the wheel, Steph staring out the window waiting for the questions to jump on her back and start dragging her down, ready to muscle through and hold her chin up, keep it together, it all happens for a reason...and then another One stands in and the only thought that lingers are the words, "And I trust in You." No need to ask questions if you trust.

These words come at the end of a Psalm, as if they are an afterthought and a reminder. Not reminding God that the writer trusts in Him ---"Hey God, remember me? And don't forget I trust You!"---, but I really think for the writer himself to be reminded,---"Oh that's right, I do trust You."

I'm sitting in a place I would not have planned. I sense the good in this and the excitement of what truly trusting in a God whose words I often read can do. It feels horrible and delightful often at about the same time. I want to squeeze the life out of life and God wants to pour life into it. I feel like I already know the ending to the story...it's a beautiful ending! It's the chapters in the middle that I need to learn to allow Him to write. So what if for the rest of my life the only home I know is in familiar faces and never physical places. I'd be ecstatic at sharing the journey with a million people...then again, whom am I to write this story! I can help, but only by prayer!

Over the bayou and through the bugs...

Many hours in a car make man very weary! Today's city pick: New Orleans. A quick stop to drop in for coffee and beignets in the French Quarter and we were off again. The traveling has been easy and we are in Austin TX tonight. Looking forward to a slow morning tomorrow to take in some of the city and then on the road again.

God loves the details!

Our blond moment for this trip...
Steph-"Georgia, why are we in Georgia? Did we miss something?"
Lindy-"Let me look at the map (laughing)!"
Steph-"Georgia on my mind! How did we miss I-10?"

Ok, just a few miles too far on I-75 due to two old friends so engrossed in conversation and catching up on the heart issues that we cruised on by!

I have had the most interesting week so far...random divine encounter in a coffee shop led to fueling the passion and direction of my heart, even if ever so slightly. Today, waiting at the airport for Lindy, I ran into an old Oregon State campus pastor who happens to live in Orlando and is also headed back to Portland! God loves the details! My heart swells with encouragement this week..."For I know the plans, I will determine your steps, I will never leave you, faith...sure of what is hoped for-certain of the unseen."

Laying my head for rest in Mobile Alabama.

I haven't posted in a while...I've missed sharing about life on here, but have been living in the silence between these posts. It, life, continues to be a ride. Eight days and I'll be setting the compass W-NW. Honestly, torn between two sides of the country...makes me want to take a plane south! Don't worry mom, as long as gas doesn't hit $4 before next week, I'll be with Lindy when she returns. I'm headed back to Oregon for the summer, a lay over as I pray about future stuff. I'm really good at planning and then asking God to work things out...am trying this time to pray, and only pray, without adding parameters to any kind of plan. Many are the plans of my heart...so many that each week it seems to change.

Been busy, busy enjoying people. I flew to Kansas a week ago, with Greg and Mary Kay, to visit the recently relocated Erin and Steve. It was a much needed, wonderful time! The whole weekend felt like one big, warm hug. We were fortunate enough to spend some time out in the country, some old friends of Greg and Mary Kay, and I can't explain how wonderful it felt to sit in front of a fire and sip on coffee all morning long! I should have melted, but I couldn't peel myself away from the cozy fire. Kansas/Kansas City...not what I thought, really a great place to experience.

This past Sunday, I convinced the two gals I mentor to accompany me on an adventure. Since moving to Florida, I realized this is the only state you can capture both the sunrise and sunset over the ocean/sea (let me know if you know otherwise) and I wanted to see it all in the same day. We grabbed Dunkin' Donuts early and made it to Cocoa Beach with time to spare. It was a beautiful sunrise.

The sunset, after a longer drive to Clearwater, was a little less to scream about. A few minutes before sunset, a wave of fog came over the whole beach. It was eerie and felt like a whiteout. Still, we laughed and enjoyed ourselves! Yes, below was our sunset.

I'm thankful these girls were troopers, Meghan and MacKenzie. It would have been a dull day if I'd been on my own!

1.1.08.RESOLUTE.enjoy life!

Ups and downs and all arounds, it's the journey that I'm learning to embrace. You have heard it said, "enjoy the journey, not the destination"...I'm really trying to live that rather than let it resound in the grey matter in which my center for decision making and living resides. (Well the grey matter AND my heart/soul!)

I would like safety and security, yes long for that, but also realize that doesn't come with the stock market and our impending recession, with any kind of job title or position... a gentle whisper in the wind, "I knew you first" reminds me of my Creator and His all-sufficient love and provision as an act of His love. Something in me clings to that, my faith clings to that and my grey matter can attest to that.

May life be kind and gracious rather than safe and secure!

A quote I've recently read and reread and pondered and settled on-
"Man's freedom is never in being saved troubles, but it is the freedom to take trouble for his own good, to make the trouble an element in his joy..." -Rabindranath Tagore

GA and SC

Yep, Savannah and Hitlon Head, checked those out now check them off the list. Not that I want to live my life from a list, but yes, check 'em off! Jennifer and I headed out a few days after the new year and spent an extremely cold 2 days in Savannah. It was 18 degrees and my lips felt like they were going to freeze every time I took a sip of my hot coffee. We decided to cross the bridge into South Carolina to "touch down" and then figured, "We've come this far, let's go to Hilton Head and see what that's all about." Still COLD! :)

We really are freezing in this picture!


At Lulu's for some hot fondue to warm up the frozen fingers! The streets of Savannah were bare affording us excellent service in the little dessert house.

Outside The Six Pence Pub, backdrop for a scene from "Something to Talk About" with Julia Roberts. No doubt, the closest I will come to ever being in a movie with Ms. Roberts!

We had a great time despite the frost bite and it being a short trip. We'd both talked about a Savannah tour and it seemed it needed to happen sooner than later as I start making plans to head west.

Happy New Year!

Here's to another year filled with experience, celebrating relationships -new and old, and the process of becoming all that we were created to be! My love, my love, my love!