Sunday, November 06, 2011

Sunday Ramble

Let's see if I can hold the thoughts in place that I've had this morning.  It's like rapid fire and I want to get it all out.

I woke this morning without an alarm playing in the background arousing me from beautiful, restful sleep.  I cherish sleep, always have, but more so these days because it is my escape from the hustle and frantic movements of school and the pile of books, notes, and quizzes that loom.  As I stirred I thought, "Oh it's early enough.  I have time to go on a run, read my Bible, and get off to church!"  I laid there and prayed and it became clear that I should just stay put.  On this morning, I don't need to strike the beat and hustle on.  I needed to lay there and pray.  I asked and dumped and remembered.  And in my remembering I was taken back to a special place on the property at Prince of Peace.  The room I stayed in had a back door that opened up to the surrounding neighborhood.  Because the home in on a mountain, the view is out across the rooftops of all these surrounding homes and lean tos.  It's not that the view is unbelievably stunning, it's that this back deck was a place between heaven and earth for me.  I read there most mornings with an awareness of God's very presence drawing me into deeper intimacy, greater hope, and unhindered possibilities.  And then I came back to the US and (it seems since that day) I've often lacked that beautiful space, peace, pace of dwelling in His glory.  It is a shame.  It breaks my heart.  It is why I sometimes feel like someone is scratching their nails across a chalkboard…I can stand it, but it is not pleasant.  That's not to say there have not been some spectacular moments of light, love, hope, peace etc.  It just seems I can't get the pace right for my personality.  Now, throw my personality plus school into the mix and well, I long for peace and calm.  My coping mechanism is to take a deep breath, jump in, and try to get through with only a few moments of coming up for air.  It's working, but I'm tired. I swam a lot growing up, a lot.  I loved going to the river.  I love water, being in it and more often these days, being on it.  In a boat, walking over a bridge, standing at its shore.  Back in the day, when we played, we often had races or ended up dunking each other…man, you had to be ready to take a deep breath and go under!  Sometimes you only got a moment to come up for a breath and you were under again.  At the end of these episodes, I had to go to the shallow and catch my breath.  This has also become my M.O. and how I'm moving through school, but I'm realizing 10 weeks plus finals week is a bit too long to wait for a breather.  And I don't want to go through school with my head down just wishing the year away and gritting my teeth to get through.  I feel like I've said this before.  I have.  I don't know if I've said it on here (I'm sure I have), in conversation or in my journal, but I've said it before.  I've lost the trust and dependence in believing that God brought me to this and will be the provision I need to get through.  What I need?  To trust that He has used my desires and insecurities and needs to draw me to seeking a path into nursing AND to trust that He has a plan in this year and after.  To understand that I'm not just in school for the degree so that I can go out after and use these skills, but to understand that this year is just as important to be FULL and aware of how He'd like to move.

I think this morning, laying in bed a lot longer than usual, was His way of slowing me down and getting to my heart.  I long to rest in Him.  I want Him to be my brain, to remember drugs and pathophysiological processes for me, to take the tests for me, to do the research and write to papers for me, and to exercise for me. :) I'm tired.  I need rest.  I have to keep moving on.  So, He must.  And He will.  I'm counting on it and needing to put to rest old ways of operating and move into lighter ways.  He says His yoke is easy, His burden is light.  Somehow, I've warped that and need Him to work in me.

This is a good day.  A good morning.  A great way to end the weekend and put school in it's right place.  Oh I want to be a great nurse, but I believe the pieces that will shine through to patients (the true Light Himself) must be continually fostered and formed in me right along with learning about CVA, schizophrenia, and isoniazid.

Father, You are great.  You are good.  You are strong.  You are omniscient.  You are for me.