Tuesday, April 29, 2008


to reflect or consider with thoroughness and care.

Today, I thought to myself, "this is a day for writing." I have the urge and typing that phrase creates in me a deep stirring and an exasperated throwing up of my hands. Buried are the words, thoughts...maybe an analogy will suffice for what I'm trying to describe! Or maybe just an explanation. I was in Portland last week for the funeral of a sweet, beautiful, young woman who I had the privilege of walking beside during her high school years. In the car driving to and from, I had plenty of time to ponder and talk with God and receive His love and adore Him in return. It's in those times and moments, when my "cup runneth over" in reflecting about life, that I have millions (ok, not millions, but lots) of crashing thoughts. Some day, I do hope I will develop my ability to retain and explore the depths of those thoughts...even to the point of leaving the filter at the door. So, today is a day for writing and the thoughts, they've buried themselves for another visit. I smile because I know they have not disappeared, they're simply chained to a place I am exploring. I desire diligence in my endeavor to free them.


Thankfully, the questions I mentioned a few posts prior have relented. I've made a decision to stop living under pressure. Pressure that stems from, ME! I realize we have the great ability to determine our lives lived out. Sure, there are external influences, but we also have choices and many of those are daily choices regarding perspective and attitude. I tend to live under an element of pressure and expectation of success. Only my standard for success was not a measurement I had any control over. No, that's not even it, not control, but definition. My definition of success (and purpose) was one I had adopted from multiple sources. None evil in their own right, but none the less negative to my sense of fulfilling a purpose with my life. So, in keeping step with a book I've recently been thumbing through, it's up to me to determine, through pondering and prayer, how each day is spent in reaching to fulfill a God-given right in life...the ability to spend it...and for a righteous cause...however that might look for MY life and only my life!

So, I'm redefining. Honestly, success (in my past definition) could have been one of two paths-wife, mother etc. or climbing the career ladder, both wonderful paths, but neither that I have chosen. Time may take me by the hand and lead down one or both of those paths, but up to this moment neither of those two have secured me on their trodden ways. So, I've explained this to myself in the words of defeat, missing success. The reality is, I've ultimately, sometimes consciously other times unconsciously, chosen differently. I do desire each of those paths, at different times, but in choosing differently I've come up short. (That's what I've told myself.)Please don't get me wrong, I write this with clarity and an acute awareness that I've been a little too hard on myself. If I asked you about my life, I have no doubt that you'd affirm success, but yours is not my definition. My own rattles around in my head. Surprisingly, I've not been experiencing feelings of defeat having come home. More and more it feels like I've left those old nagging, pestering feelings in my wake and I'm on new ground. That in itself, new ground, feels good...and right.

Success-my definition-roughly, it has everything to do with loving and searching out God and then allowing Him to touch lives through mine...whatever that looks like. And that is something I'm in a conversation with the Lord about.

Well, these thoughts feel rough, but I'd rather post and feel the freedom to do so than polish and expect perfection. Perfection is not a part of my definition of a life of purpose (success).

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Time Alone

So, I ended up on the couch with my Bible this morning. We had family come to town and I didn't feel much like going to church. Not yet. Maybe a cushion for avoiding more questions. It has been an overwhelming week. Not good, not bad, not hard, not easy...I'm just sort of here and trying to get my feet set on all these moving objects. It's so hard to put words to these feelings. I'm at peace with all of this, I just have no clue what I'm staring at over the horizon. No, wrong choice of word! I have no clue what I'm staring at over the hedge. (I can't think about the horizon right now, just the hedge-that's far enough!:) ) It's not a fearful place to be, again, I have peace. I'm just so used to having a plan, it is pretty refreshing to sort of sit back and pray. I know I keep talking about "just praying," but it really does feel like I'm opening the door to allow God to work this out. Now, that's exciting...I've seen what He can create!

Anyway, about my morning and the title of this particular post, "Time Alone." Hhhmm maybe that's more than the title to this post...maybe that will be a description of my summer. Not necessarily being "alone," but relishing in the opportunity I have to "lighten my load" and instead of seeking answers, seeking God.

Ok, ok back to this morning...

Luke 6:46-48
"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built."

... "dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock" It jumped out at me and made me stop and think. I need some of that...some digging, digging deeper. Some work, working out more of the particulars of my faith. Not beginning at the beginning again, but in the thick of it. Not being busy doing stuff for God and leaving Him on the side. Not calling myself a follower and then turning on the noise and tuning out the whispers that call me to a deeper connection. Not worrying about what occupation I'll throw myself into, but finding natural rhythms to walking with Christ. Not just blindly going through movements, becoming stale and losing the conversation that began in my youth and became stronger as I grew, but developing the language and context of that conversation. I'm praying that these desires would truly come from a place in my heart that is waiting to be explored.

And that takes me back to adventure...