Softly spoken, I am moved.  Precious life, fleeting in moments I cannot control.  Forsaken by imperfect human bodies.  Weighed heavily by loss of innocence-eyes 35 years old see things eyes 18 years into the journey just can't receive.  With age comes wisdom, at a price---sometimes paid by the owner, sometimes by way of association.  

Words I have lived by over the last few years, words to look at life through, a banner over the year.

2009-HOPE     2010-surrender    2011-trust    2012-Believe

Go read Mark 8 for context.  For now, this jumped off the page at me today…

Mark 8:33  Jesus turned around and looked at his disciples, then reprimanded Peter, "Get away from me, Satan!" he said.  "You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God's.

Father, help me to believe, to be challenged by my own perspective and to be mindful of the breath that is this life, but a breath.

Tonight, you are therapy.

**I'm posting this without a lot of proofreading and censoring.  Normally, I'd go back and rewrite my thoughts to make it more clear and fluid.  I've reread it, it feels choppy.  It is raw.  It will stay raw. 

I had a good day today.  It's been snowing here in Portland, but I made it to "the hill" fine and was so thankful for the opportunities set before me today.  I spent most of my day in the Pediatric PACU (post anesthesia care unit-the Operating Room) and the Pediatric ED.  Let me first just fill you in on the ED, I saw a few discharges and one admission.  Not a whole lot goin' on today, maybe the snow kept people away, but the PACU was altogether a different kind of day.  I started with patient admission (observing), followed the patient into surgery, yes I watched a "direct vagus nerve stimulation" procedure, and then followed the patient to recovery.

My patient:
27 months old, male, born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice and a knot in the actual cord that caused a lack of oxygen which led to cerebral palsy.

So, I was fine today.  My heart is a little more sensitive tonight.  The surgery was incredible, watching the surgeons, the nurses, the anesthesiologists, the actual procedure, sterile technique.  You could see a square of about 5 inches x 5 inches of his body, but nothing else.  So, when they pulled all the drapes off, I was a little helpless with the fact that this little babe was laying there on the table.  It wasn't the kind of emotion that would push one away from the situation, my word!, this little pacemaker-like-device is supposed to decrease the number of seizures this little body experiences.  It was the kind of emotion that stirs up compassion for our imperfect human bodies…maybe more.  I can't yet nail that one.

I went from the OR to recovery with the little guy and then went to fetch his mother when he was awake so she could come back and see him.  She comforted him, then the nurse asked her if she'd like to hold him and she did.  So, as he was being observed-vitals, pain, breathing on his own and waiting for a room on another floor to open up, his mother sat there and rocked him.

Tonight, as I reflect on my time with her, I want to go back.  I don't regret anything said, it felt special.  She was fairly soft spoken, very nurturing, and we just began to chat.  After all, I wasn't going anywhere, I was following this little guy in an exercise of observing the PACU.  She asked me about nursing school, told me about her other two boys, and then she began to share some things that made me realize the difficult nature of caring for someone utterly dependent.  He is developmentally delayed and will not walk.  I'm learning, cerebral palsy comes in different forms/varying degrees.  His was advanced, including the seizures and this new little device to help since medications were not working.  AND then, Mom began to share his story with me-all about her pregnancies with each boy and how she didn't know anything was wrong.  She recalled the day with me and came to a point where she began to break down, "I always cry when I get to this part."  Then, after a minute or so, she told me how the doctors had returned with the news that her 3rd child was affected by the knot in the umbilical cord.  As she cried and glanced up at me trying to read my reaction, I didn't budge, I just kept my gaze directly on her.  I have learned the significance and weight of eye contact.  I was standing across the bed as she spoke.  Sometimes I'm unclear as to what kind of physical contact is ok with patients and families.  I know it's good and I believe in it, but as a nursing student, I have not yet found my jive there.  So, I hugged her with my gaze.  I know how crazy that sounds, but I almost felt her appreciation-at least I sensed it.

Why do I want to go back?  For more.  This woman shared about a nursing friend doing medical missions in Mexico and how this friend was once a girl from the youth group she helped with.  Well, I said, I've done some of that too!  I'm nearly positive she was a believer.  What would I say to her different?  I prayed for your boy in there.  I prayed while they were setting out all the sterile instruments and when they peeled back the blue sterile drapes that covered his tiny body.  I wanted to stay and offer her more kindness, a pat on the back for her commitment to motherhood at it's most demanding.

I doubt I'll ever see her again. If I do, I think I will hug her and tell her I admire the way she looks at her boy and loves him so well, despite how exhausting and demanding the care.  I think this woman understood the worth of a soul.

I had a friend in college share about a book she'd read about autism.  There's one thing she said that has stayed with me over the last 14ish years.  I don't know the book, sorry, but it was something about how children (people) with developmental disabilities will be even more glorious when they are made new in heaven.  That God has a special place for these kids of His and that, when we are all made whole, they will no longer be inhibited to express all the beauty that makes them who they are.  I thought about that today.  I thought about that little guy, unhindered by his physical and mental constraints.

I'm grateful for today, for my time with this little guy and his mom.

Learn from me...

Nothing wonderfully insightful here.  Just plain and simple.  A verse that is often referred to.

Sometimes the familiar is overlooked, passed over quickly.

This is how it goes when I read words I've read before.

I quickly read past.

Nothing wonderfully insightful.

A simple reminder.

HE says, "learn from me…".  I like that.  

The NLT is, "Let me teach you…".

Rest does not always come with sitting still. 

My body may be busy, even my mind, but I will look for my soul to rest when I go to Him. 

"Come to me…and you will find rest."

Matthew 11:28-30  NIV

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

This brought peace and rest.

I am so often caught in between death by paralysis or death by over exertion.

This is the solution.  I know it, I have known it.  I will practice it.

This year, this blog, His Word.

I'm hopeful this place will be my go to when I want to stash away a

lil' somethin' that's sweeter than HONEY.

Running Analogies

I was never much of a runner in high school.  It seems running has gained popularity in recent years or maybe it's that I've come around to this pastime and given it more attention over the last several years.  In giving it more of my attention, I'm now aware of running gear and magazines and the latest technology be it shoes or GPS systems to track distance and time.  Nevertheless, it was "not my thang" until I went off to college.  In high school, it was volleyball-basketball-track, repeat.  Year after year.  And track, well, I didn't participate willingly, but was HIGHLY encouraged (or rather it was decided for me) by my father who very firmly believed in "off season" training.  In his wisdom, he knew we (the girls I played with) wouldn't perform well in volleyball and basketball if we sat out track season and laid around all summer long.  So, I did learn to run in track, but it was a bit unwillingly.

I'm back in Powers for the holidays and have been working the old stomping grounds, pushing it up that hill more than usual.  This morning, I had several flashback to those track workouts and in so had a little insight into life.  Those track workouts were unpleasant, mostly because our coach made us run hills with 5 pound leg weights.  You might not think that's much, but the hill I'm referring to is no small feat.  '"Run 5 hills and then you're done," coach trumped as he handed me two bright blue sand-filled bags with black velcro straps to wrap around my ankles.'  UGH!

This morning, starting out 2012 with a healthy dose of resolve, I went and ran hills (albeit minus the extra weight).  No, it was not pleasant.  No, I did not run 5.  I ran 2.5, walked the remaining, and was satisfied that I could still run that hill.  I tackled it PARTLY because I took up running as a pastime after high school to try and stay in shape, which means I've learned to enjoy running.  I tackled it MOSTLY by sheer will of my mind and body.  The Nike slogan, "Just do it," might suffice to describe my sentiments toward this feat.

Here is my profound point amidst the throw back to nearly (gulp!) 20 years, I know how I get through pain.  I did it this morning when I ran those hills and I don't think I'm alone or special in the use of this particular strategy.  I wore a hat this morning because it was raining.  The hat became an imperative piece of clothing in undergirding this strategy.  I put my head down and just ran.  I could see out of the sides of my view and I have the cracks of the hill and Cruiser footprints imbedded in my memory so I knew where I was and how much further I had to go, but for the life of me, the thought of looking up and seeing the corner and then the top of the water tower was too crushing a sight and even thought to make myself look up from under my cap.  So, like I said, I put my head down and ran.

I do this when things seem tough.  I do this when I think things are going to be tough.  It's a coping mechanism that has worked and pushed me to get through.  I focus on the little tasks, the cracks in the road, the small imminent details of school, work, family, friends…focus on the little things and the big things either disappear, in some cases, or are dissolved by finishing the small things.  On one hand, I think this is a mighty great strategy in accomplishing goals, but it's only useful if you've stopped long enough to set the big goals and work toward them.  On the other hand, it's a lousy plan if you lose sight of your surroundings (family, friends, life etc.) because you've focused on the details and grit to get through.

Oh my, I do not claim in this to have an answer to the juxtaposition I present.  I'm merely presenting it as my own insight and possibly as a challenge to the way I move through life.  It reminds me of a saying I think is common in our culture, "Your greatest strength may also be your greatest weakness."

So, in this new year, 2012, I am going to continue to put my head down and work hard, but I am also going to work on the balance of looking up more often to see the water tower ahead, to check myself in the going and not bury my head 'til it's over…because it's really never over.

Rote and Rhythm

Rote-mechanical
Rhythm-repeated pattern of movement; harmony

Nursing encompasses both.  Nurses are educated to be attuned to the whole person, not just the unique presenting health problem…seeing the WHOLE person, not the disease. The human response to a health problem may be much more FLUID AND VARIABLE and may have great affect on the individual's ability to overcome the initial medical problem. (From some other source which I know don't recall.)


Nurses build on their understanding of the disease and illness process (ROTE) to promote the restoration and maintenance of health in their clients (RHYTHM).
--What is Nursing?  ANA

I didn't make that italicized stuff up, that's the American Nurses Association speaking, but it's part of my m.o. these days.  To this point, it's been a lot of ROTE and man-o-man I'm looking forward to the RHYTHM.  The past 6 months have been memorization of drugs, learning and practicing new skills (Next quarter, our first week back we practice IVs-YIPEE!), watching and participating on the unit, but mostly memorization.  UGH.  It's been difficult, just to sit and stare at drug names, how they are metabolized, what the liver or kidneys do or don't do to them…difficult to go over flashcards repeatedly trying to make new pathways in the brain.  But, I know it's worth it.  Just last night my dad threw a pack of azitromicina (azithromycin) at me and asked, "How much can I take?"  The directions were in Spanish so I was able to use both newly acquired language and medicine skills.  We've also studied a large collection of pathophysiological from the brain and central nervous system, to the heart, to the kidneys and beyond.  I enjoy knowing and acquiring information and I can already see how this is going to be useful in the future.  I continue to be astonished and as if I wasn't convinced before, THE HUMAN BODY IS AMAZING.

So, this is it, rote and rhythm.  I believe strongly in the rote, it's the foundation to my practice, but the rhythm, well, that's where my heart gets to excel.  Lord, haste the day!

Listening

Sitting here, yes sitting here, studying.  I'm so tired of studying.  And now I'm done complaining!  I'm sitting here looking over liver-hepatitis-cirrhosis-hepatocyte dysfunction-portal hypertension- gynecomastia (aahheemm-keep drinking alcohol, men, and your breasts are going to grow cause your estrogen levels are gonna go up-up-up!  Soon, you'll be calling Seinfeld asking for the "Bro" George's dad and Kramer invented…ok enough).

Wow, so I really pulled up the blog to post this beautiful song that was flowing through my ear buds while sitting here studying and listening to Pandora.  Bethany Dillon-Hallelujah  Listen for the chorus,  so good.  Let it soar! Countdown has started here…

Sunday Ramble

Let's see if I can hold the thoughts in place that I've had this morning.  It's like rapid fire and I want to get it all out.

I woke this morning without an alarm playing in the background arousing me from beautiful, restful sleep.  I cherish sleep, always have, but more so these days because it is my escape from the hustle and frantic movements of school and the pile of books, notes, and quizzes that loom.  As I stirred I thought, "Oh it's early enough.  I have time to go on a run, read my Bible, and get off to church!"  I laid there and prayed and it became clear that I should just stay put.  On this morning, I don't need to strike the beat and hustle on.  I needed to lay there and pray.  I asked and dumped and remembered.  And in my remembering I was taken back to a special place on the property at Prince of Peace.  The room I stayed in had a back door that opened up to the surrounding neighborhood.  Because the home in on a mountain, the view is out across the rooftops of all these surrounding homes and lean tos.  It's not that the view is unbelievably stunning, it's that this back deck was a place between heaven and earth for me.  I read there most mornings with an awareness of God's very presence drawing me into deeper intimacy, greater hope, and unhindered possibilities.  And then I came back to the US and (it seems since that day) I've often lacked that beautiful space, peace, pace of dwelling in His glory.  It is a shame.  It breaks my heart.  It is why I sometimes feel like someone is scratching their nails across a chalkboard…I can stand it, but it is not pleasant.  That's not to say there have not been some spectacular moments of light, love, hope, peace etc.  It just seems I can't get the pace right for my personality.  Now, throw my personality plus school into the mix and well, I long for peace and calm.  My coping mechanism is to take a deep breath, jump in, and try to get through with only a few moments of coming up for air.  It's working, but I'm tired. I swam a lot growing up, a lot.  I loved going to the river.  I love water, being in it and more often these days, being on it.  In a boat, walking over a bridge, standing at its shore.  Back in the day, when we played, we often had races or ended up dunking each other…man, you had to be ready to take a deep breath and go under!  Sometimes you only got a moment to come up for a breath and you were under again.  At the end of these episodes, I had to go to the shallow and catch my breath.  This has also become my M.O. and how I'm moving through school, but I'm realizing 10 weeks plus finals week is a bit too long to wait for a breather.  And I don't want to go through school with my head down just wishing the year away and gritting my teeth to get through.  I feel like I've said this before.  I have.  I don't know if I've said it on here (I'm sure I have), in conversation or in my journal, but I've said it before.  I've lost the trust and dependence in believing that God brought me to this and will be the provision I need to get through.  What I need?  To trust that He has used my desires and insecurities and needs to draw me to seeking a path into nursing AND to trust that He has a plan in this year and after.  To understand that I'm not just in school for the degree so that I can go out after and use these skills, but to understand that this year is just as important to be FULL and aware of how He'd like to move.

I think this morning, laying in bed a lot longer than usual, was His way of slowing me down and getting to my heart.  I long to rest in Him.  I want Him to be my brain, to remember drugs and pathophysiological processes for me, to take the tests for me, to do the research and write to papers for me, and to exercise for me. :) I'm tired.  I need rest.  I have to keep moving on.  So, He must.  And He will.  I'm counting on it and needing to put to rest old ways of operating and move into lighter ways.  He says His yoke is easy, His burden is light.  Somehow, I've warped that and need Him to work in me.

This is a good day.  A good morning.  A great way to end the weekend and put school in it's right place.  Oh I want to be a great nurse, but I believe the pieces that will shine through to patients (the true Light Himself) must be continually fostered and formed in me right along with learning about CVA, schizophrenia, and isoniazid.

Father, You are great.  You are good.  You are strong.  You are omniscient.  You are for me.

Aching bum.

I know I should not complain, I don't want to whine, but I have one problem with school-I sit too much!  I've been sitting in the same spot today for the last nine hours working on a research project and the bummer is, I've spent way too much time for what this project is really worth.  Sometimes these theory classes feel petty.  I received advice at the very beginning of this program from a gal who was about to graduate from the same.  Her advice, "Trust the system."  I thought she meant something like, "Don't worry, it will seem fast, but you'll have the beginnings of what you need."  Now I'm wondering if she means, "Trust that what you don't think you need to know (blah blah theory) will actually be beneficial to you over all."  Right.  Ok.  So, my bum still hurts.

Anyway-McBride

Because this is the mood I'm in these days, country in my ears!

I'm here. Same blog, only updated!

I used to post on the ol' blog more regularly.  As it turns out, it's a great place to share thoughts, life happenings, inspirations, and to archive this trip from here to there.  I've been partially paralyzed with this little part of my life, posting blogs, after putting closure on the first blog (Journey Forth) and attempting to start fresh with a new one.  I could have just continued, but was in need of a change, perhaps some distance, as I began what felt and feels like a significant life shift, nursing school.

Still, it's me.  The same life.  Merely a continuation with innumerable threads closing the divide between old and new.  So, after attempts with a new blog, I've returned to the same one, simply giving it a new look.  It's nice to keep continuity.  I struggled after returning from Guatemala and jumping into school.  In short, it caused a "before and after" affect in my life.  Many daily activities and routines changed with a heart touched and a new nursing student schedule.  I functioned outwardly, but didn't know what to do with the "feelings."  I still don't.  Life feels a bit ragged at points.  I talk, but it feels lonely.  In those ways, it's still hard and I tend to turn inward thinking that will make this year, a life consumed with books and study, pass rapidly.  And that somehow emotions and other things will just fall away or into place.  So, school has come in good timing if I'm going to turn inward…STUDY!  The reality is, I don't want this year to pass quickly, I just don't want the pain associated with these changes.  And, I think, I feel like the more involved/consumed I am here, the more I forget about my Guatemala loves.  I don't want to forget.  Oh, I'm still functioning quite well and enjoying life.  But, I still think I'm ready to leave PDX after school.  We shall see.  I trust.

I've often wanted to share things on here (of course really more for myself as a place to speak and feel heard-even if no one is listening), but life has been occupied by both good things and stupid things.  The stupid being the mindless activities, the time-wasters that are still often necessary to give my head a study break.  One of those "time-wasters" is facebook.  It's used for both pleasure and school, but I have this recurring sense that it is on its way out of my life.  It's become very impersonal, a facade of relational connectedness, and well I'm looking for some better ways to spend my "time-waster" time.  Other things that fall into this category would be things that give me a quick release from studying drugs and pathophysiological processes, like "The Office" or getting on here to write and release the reverberating clanging that goes on between my ears.  I've heard of and had conversations with others who share the same thoughts about facebook.  Nevertheless, it is a tool for communication.  

So, what will become of this "face-lifted" Journey Forth?  We shall see.  I just know I miss having this outlet, it feels personal and I feel free to share here and not expect any response.  I'm back.  The blog appears a bit different and has a new tag line, "this long passing." Inspiration for this, this being "this long passing," came from the line of a song that impressed me.  Have a listen, "Jesus draw me ever nearer."  Inspiration also came from a question one of the nursing faculty posed last quarter during an optional lecture on self-care.  The question, "It's just one year, what does one year mean to you?"  Initially, I responded by jumping in deep and holding my breath.  I have since realized that I actually have to come up to breath during this 15 month program.  I'm finding small ways to do that, like taking a walk on a Saturday in October because the sun is out and will most likely be making fewer and fewer appearances.  I welcome the gray and the rain.  Seasons are good for me, each season bringing renewed perseverance and I need it!

Costa Rica, Sunrise, March 2006  

End note:  I transferred posts from the attempted new blog to this blog.  They are below.

Another end note:  This photo really has nothing to do with this particular post.  I shared it as part of a school assignment on hope (sharing true/false hope with our patients).  The sunrise does something in my heart I can't capture with words.  It's promising, and hope rises in that promise.  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him. -Romans 15:13a

M & E

Maria Y Estephania

Yep, that's right Maria and me.  My name is Estefania when I'm at Prince of Peace and if you look closely you'll see our friendship bracelets, hers with the "M", mine with the "E".  You can read a bit more about Maria's story here.  I've talked about her before, maybe you'll recall, but had no idea she would continue to drastically transform as she has.  She is proving herself a pre-teen!  I was greeted by her and a few other chicas in Casa B with a trumpeting, "EEEEEESSSSSSTTTTTEEEEPPPHHHHAAANNNIIIAAA!!!!" Followed by a WHOLE LOT of screaming and giggling.  It's beautiful.  It's hard to remember how quiet and hollow she first seemed.  Her Spanish is amazing!  I asked her this time (and she is not at all shy to speak!), "Your Spanish is great, Maria!  Did you know Spanish before you arrived?"  She smiled, a bit shyly and nods, yes.  I winked and gave her a squeeze.  I was under the impression she only spoke her native dialect based on a few conversations with staff and because she just didn't talk in the beginning and then only a tiny bit when she did speak.  I know kids pick up language quickly, but she is rattling off like it's nothing new…and apparently it is not!! ...though maybe not the language she used in her home environment.  

On with the story!

When I arrived to Casa B, the girls sat me down on the porch and proceeded to ask questions and play games.  Maria sat right next to me and would not let go of my hand.  Eventually she got up, told me to wait, and then ran off into the house.  She came back with the above bracelet with an "E" which she'd made for me.  WOW!  Sweetest gift, it's currently on my wrist.  The back story is her bracelet.  Many of the girls have those bracelets with their initials in them.  When I was in Antigua with a team back in April, I saw those bracelets and thought of Maria.  She didn't wear any and I thought it would be a sweet little surprise and act of love to try and break through to this (previously) shy girl.  When I showed up this time, she had it on and she had one for me!  

This picture is from the night we ran for freedom.  I was running along with the girls, busy snapping as many pictures as I could (this was A MOMENT TO REMEMBER!) and suddenly felt a hand grab a hold of mine.  I looked down and there she was with Daniela, both faces covered with huge smiles.  The three of us ran along holding hands for quite some time and, being sentimental at moments in my life, I realized I wanted a picture of this.  I want to remember the transformation I've watched in Maria's life.  I want to remember that it's small things like bracelets that make the best gifts.  I want to remember these girls are FULL of love and at the same time, they need to be shown love.  And I want to remember that it is often in the times we have no great or amazing intention, that our intention makes a lasting impact.  

We Ran for Freedom

I have black lines on my body from the blend of smog and sweat, we ran for freedom.  Whistles blasted ‘til my left ear rang even louder, we ran for freedom.  Girls chanted and sang and shouted at the cars and buses as they passed by, we ran for freedom.  My lungs burned with the fumes of diesel exhaust as those buses blew plumes of black dust in our faces, we ran for freedom.  Sandwiched between the Taurus and the bus, we ran for freedom.  Old men passed by in their shiny cars and bellowed out the window, “Vive Guatemala!” throwing fists in the air, we ran for freedom.  Smiles donned by passersby spoke volumes and increased the volume of chanting, we ran for freedom.  Pride hung in the air as thick as that plume of exhaust, we ran for freedom.  Cars honked –ta-ta-te-te-ta- enough times to cause me to wonder if this is possibly a part of Guate’s national anthem, we ran for freedom.  Fireworks burst in the air as we crossed into Principe de Paz (It does not need to be independence day for fireworks, that is merely coincidence.), we ran for freedom.

It’s called the “freedom run” (from what I understand) and it’s tradition here in Guatemala the day before they celebrate their independence.  Tomorrow, 15 de septiembre, marks the 190th year for Guatemala and tonight, as we ran through the big, loud cuidad de Guatemala, you would-a-thunk it happened just 10 years ago.  These girls ran over 8km! (This is a correction-I was just informed it was 10 miles!) They are exhausted, SWEATY, hungry, and wearing enormous smiles.

The staff was AWESOME tonight as they ran alongside the girls, many girls taking turns carrying two torches on the way back home.  Tomorrow, some of their families will arrive to the home and celebrate while the girls perform traditional songs and dances.  It is a festive week here in Guate, unexpectedly festive, and I feel immense privilege at the opportunity to accompany these girls, staff, and Guatemalans as they celebrate their country’s freedom.  

sidestroke.

I was a lifeguard for a period of time in college.  It's not as glamorous as you might initially think.  I distinctly remember needing to clear the pool on more than one occasion (during peak times) because we found feces either floating or at the bottom of the pool…who's eating their fiber!?!  Along with the territory of lifeguarding came swimming lessons and thus teaching various strokes.  The sidestroke is one I especially like(d) and I personally think takes coordination and comfort; coordination to get the scissor kick and arm stroke just right in order to glide quickly and smoothly through the water and comfort because you can't hold your head above water to work efficiently.  You must be comfortable relaxing in such a way that your mouth and eye are just barely above water.  I'm not an expert so don't go calling your swim instructor, but that's what I learned and what I remember.  The sidestroke was also a stroke I often used when I was exhausted and needed rest, but still needed to keep moving and stay afloat (the back stroke also was a good back-up plan).  I think there are going to be times in this next quarter when I am definitely going to need to bring in a little swim wisdom, my sidestroke.  I went into the hospital today and though we have not yet been assigned any patients, I KNOW it is going to be exhausting-learning on top of feeling inadequate and a definite novice, thinking and being on my toes consistently, being uber aware, growing (we all know growing can be somewhat painful)…I've decided there will be plenty of opportunity to implement the sidestroke.  Coordination and comfort when it gets tiring, mind boggling, and I need to keep moving forward, but need some rest along the way.  There have already been life and scheduling changes I knew would happen, but that have "felt" different than I expected.

It's early, but tonight I'm going to practice the sidestroke and I'm calling it a night.  Sweet dreams swimmers.

This picture is worth a thousand words.

Guate-February 2011 

It hangs on my wall in a collage of photos from Guatemala.  When I see it, I'm struck.  Something kicks in and I think, "I know what I'm supposed to do."  God thanks for opening doors to OHSU.  

cling!

A drip of goodness in a hot cup of coffee, a sweet rush of wind on a laborious run, the smell of summer in freshly cut grass, a wave from a fellow runner on an early morning run, a real hug from another-there are certain things I find quite refreshing.  Those certain things I like to wrap my thoughts around and walk a ways with them.  When this happens, I actually think I'm asking myself (though formally it is never phrased into a question), "Why is your soul stirred?"  Often, it causes a hope to rise.  The glimmer of hope this morning is straight from His word.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  -Romans 15:13

Overflowing with hope, what might that look like in the business of living when life often feels chaotic and some things go unfinished? Hope, hope, hope.  The God of hope is good to fill me with hope…I cling to this Hope.

Bursting

Of course today/tonight would be the time I'm-literally-bursting-at-the-seams!  Yes, of course it would be tonight because tomorrow is our first midterm in this accelerated program, Clinical Pharmacology.  Here's a free tip, black licorice will counter-act your prescription for hypertension.  Eat in moderation.

This week we are learning about Motivational Interviewing and how to use therapeutic language to help our clients move toward behavior change, quitting smoking, for example.  All that is actually not the point. (This is going to be long and I feel rushed trying to spit it out onto this cyber page.  That is actually my point.  I feel rushed.)  During the time with my partner, I discovered I'm still a broken mess over Guatemala.  The whole thing came out of hiding.  We didn't have to share anything real, it was more a practice of asking open-ended questions, gathering information, guiding, etc., but there it was and I spilled it all over.  What a wonder, the gal I was working with just recently spent time serving children with AIDS and TB in Africa.  Sure, much of my brokenness has to do with those girls and missing them, but some of it has to do with what God was doing in my life there and not wanting to cut that short-by way of leaving out sacred space for Him to move and speak and change me.  I actually feel like this year is not only learning about nursing, it's a continuation of freeing myself from the chains that hinder a fully free life in Christ.  I feel a great sense of duty to do well in school, the change I feel and see happening is that I feel an even greater sense of desire to walk lightly in this world, providing a fresh cup of water rather than a glass with a few drops of water clinging to the side.  That second glass has more to do with me worried about myself making it through this or that, getting this project done, getting an A etc!  I've actually been telling myself, this is not about getting all A's.  That is just so empty.  I hope for a C, ok would rather a B, and if an A came along I won't refuse it, but I will not spend countless hours studying ALL THE TIME for an A.  I WILL SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS STUDYING so that I might touch a life with kindness, and a cup of fresh water.

Much of life for me seems to be either lived in what I call "frantic" mode or "chilled out."  Some of you have no idea what my frantic mode looks like, some of you are well aware of it because you've seen the inside Steph.  I don't know if I hide it well from others or if I just kid myself and think I'm being discrete.  Regardless of who sees it, that is less and less of what matters.  What I'm realizing is that I often tell myself, "Once this or this is done, THEN I can relax/slowdown/let myself fall" etc.  I spent some chilled out time in Guatemala and I am now FED UP with living a life that feels FRANTIC…sorta like your insides are being squeezed and every bit of peace vacates the premise for a brief period of time.  The difficulty is that I very rapidly shift from frantic to chilled out.  I mean it's a matter of seconds and I can tail spin into a flurry of madness and task master.  It takes me a conscious thought and a little effort (a lot less than it used to) to move toward chillin'.  My thought has always been, just let me finish this and then I can be fully present. I don't want to discount that last sentence, it is often true.  The problem is, it does not always need to be true.  And I am slowly learning, through aching errors, that I need to let go a little bit more.  This freaks me out!  I just started this intense nursing program and I'm thinking about implementing a little more carelessness into my life.  What???  Yeah, I'm in.  I jumped through the hoops to get into school and I'm done.  I really am.  I TRUST FULLY that my God opened this door for me and that HIS plans for what happen after these next 15, no wait one month already done, these next 14 months are more about serving selflessly, letting my life be moved away.

I'm going to say this and I'm sure you won't be surprised, but I feel like my time in Portland is short, for a few reasons.  One, OHSU is an awesome nursing program and Portland is not lacking in many great programs.  Bottom line, the nursing market does not look good in Portland.  So, maybe I'll stay here if opportunity comes with my clinical rotations, but I'm not holding my breath.  Two, eventually, you'll see me leave the country for periods of time.  I don't have any more of the details or I'd be willing to share.  I just know it and actually believe it is PRECISELY why I'm in school.  Where?  What?  How?  I'm waiting.  It might be 10 years, but eventually I see a beautiful marriage between the Spanish language and nursing skills

Enough for now-still, I want to be still.  And I should be a bit studious the night before an exam.  :)

Finale

This is an awkward place to sit, hanging in the balance of not there and not quite here.  That's how it feels being back in Portland getting ready for school.  I've had a few needles in my arms the last few weeks, have been on the computer completing all the prerequisite training modules…HIPPA (oh so interesting), emergency codes and training etc.  In between all this fun activity, I feel a bit lost in the waiting.  I keep thinking about writing and wanting to share stories about POP, but being here and writing about there feels strange.  Honestly, I don't know what to share.  I'm aware of having left out many details and gaps in the stories I did share.  I intended to write about the POP staff, a more detailed version of the activities at the clinic, what it looks like when a team shows up for a week, more about the girls and some fun activities, a visit on Easter Sunday from US Senator Mary Landrieu, but I'm lacking.  Maybe this blog has been nagging and calling more because of my own, practical desire to archive those events and not necessarily for you who read.  So, I'm extending myself grace to call this finished though in many ways it is still incomplete.  (Ah, that sounds like a life lesson!)  As I thought about what I'd fill in in these last few posts (which have been condensed into this ONE), I got sad and started to reconsider my initial conviction of putting the ol' blog on the shelf.  And then I quickly resigned that feeling sad is by no means a reason to keep this open.  Looking out the window, my first thought, "Today is a new day."  I'm picturing stacks of notecards and books in my future, looking forward to and thankful for the opportunity to study at OHSU!!!!!!!, and eager to take full advantage of throwing myself into this learning process.

So, it seems fitting to sign off in a place that is out of the ordinary. Ok, I'm sentimental and I want to remember this!  I'm sitting in a huge bay window on the second story of a beautiful home of a friend.  A bit of a retreat, yes.  Why?  Because the opportunity presented itself and a few days at the sea resonated within.  I'm in Depoe Bay, staring at the waves crashing against the rock cliff just below my window.  An appropriate place to wrap things up!  Acutely aware of His closeness.  "He is more intimate with us than we are with ourselves." -Augustine  I'm especially thankful for this insight, in it I find peace and grace.  Journey Forth- I'm thankful for this place to have shared about life, it's been cathartic and encouraging. 

Lastly, I'm still currently head over heals for a new favorite author, Brennan Manning, and just about to finish another of his books, Lion and the Lamb.  Here is where my mind was trapped today…Manning writes:

The story goes that Thomas Aquinas, perhaps the world's greatest theologian, toward the end of his life suddenly stopped writing.  When his secretary complained that his work was unfinished, Thomas replied: "Brother Reginald, when I was at prayer a few months ago, I experienced something of the reality of Jesus Christ. That day, I lost all appetite for writing.  In fact, all I have ever written about Christ seems now to me to be like straw."


Father, grace us with the reality of Your presence, that all else might pale in comparison.

Donuts-Flowers-Helser's

Voodoo donuts-I  vacillated between the choc.ricecrispies.pb
and the maple glazed with bacon…all at 1 in the morning!

I'm here.  Upon arrival, they surprised me at the airport and I was completely dumbfounded.  Gretchen, home from Cambodia for 2 months, ran up behind me and gave me a big hug.  I looked at her like I'd never seen her before.  I was so consumed in my thoughts.  Add to that the fact that I was not expecting a welcome committee, was sleep deprived and I haven't seen G in over a year.  I gave her the stink eye until I realized what was going on and Annie ran up on the other side of me!  Well, forget about sleep after that.  We made our way to Voodoo donuts and finally got home at 1:15AM.  I decided to start unpacking and ended up staying up all night!  My cat-nap was then interrupted by my lovely mom holding flowers.

Mom, so thoughtful.  Thank you, it was great to spend the day with you! 

It's a place you expect to wait and the wait is worth it.  Coffee makes it possible. 

Yesterday, G, A and I went to Helser's on Alberta and I think my welcome back is now complete post breakfast outing.  We had an eventful morning speaking English, Spanish, and Khmer.  Gretchen spent some intense time learning Khmer and is so very impressive when she speaks.  

Folks, thanks for following along.  I have a few more posts I want to share (actually several, but we'll see how that goes) and then I'm going to be closing down Journey Forth.  It's something I've been thinking/praying/processing through.  I love coming here to dump my thoughts.  It's made me a more transparent and vulnerable person, especially in regards to really speaking what the Lord stirs in my soul.  I feel like I can say what I really feel here, the depths of those often unshared thoughts AND the shallowness of everyday life!;)  Blogging here has been great, if you want to know what I'm thinking, here you go, but I've not vied for your attention and I'm not flustered by watching you look over my shoulder waiting for a good opportunity to make your escape from the conversation. ;) Here, you're invited and welcomed to stay if your curiosity is piqued.  Your just as free to pass on through…and for that I feel I can share freely and without (too much) reservation.

Anyway, a few more posts and then this site will go into the archives.  This was started as a way to keep you up-to-date while I spent time in Costa Rica, over 5 years ago, and was continued because I moved across the country.  There has been much movement to life these years, but as is often the case, it feels appropriate to close this chapter.  It has served it's purpose and I don't want to delay or hold on when it is actually time to move on.  This place helped me through the angst of these years, wondering where life is leading.  Starting nursing school feels like an end to the "meandering" that this blog represents.  It feels good and necessary to tuck Journey Forth away on the shelf and maybe time for a fresh start.  I think I will write, just not here.  I'll share that link if it happens, maybe all the wonders of nursing school.

So, expect a few more posts…I just HAVE to share a couple more things about those lady POPsters.

Love 'em, missin' 'em.

Gonna miss...

this.