Bursting

Of course today/tonight would be the time I'm-literally-bursting-at-the-seams!  Yes, of course it would be tonight because tomorrow is our first midterm in this accelerated program, Clinical Pharmacology.  Here's a free tip, black licorice will counter-act your prescription for hypertension.  Eat in moderation.

This week we are learning about Motivational Interviewing and how to use therapeutic language to help our clients move toward behavior change, quitting smoking, for example.  All that is actually not the point. (This is going to be long and I feel rushed trying to spit it out onto this cyber page.  That is actually my point.  I feel rushed.)  During the time with my partner, I discovered I'm still a broken mess over Guatemala.  The whole thing came out of hiding.  We didn't have to share anything real, it was more a practice of asking open-ended questions, gathering information, guiding, etc., but there it was and I spilled it all over.  What a wonder, the gal I was working with just recently spent time serving children with AIDS and TB in Africa.  Sure, much of my brokenness has to do with those girls and missing them, but some of it has to do with what God was doing in my life there and not wanting to cut that short-by way of leaving out sacred space for Him to move and speak and change me.  I actually feel like this year is not only learning about nursing, it's a continuation of freeing myself from the chains that hinder a fully free life in Christ.  I feel a great sense of duty to do well in school, the change I feel and see happening is that I feel an even greater sense of desire to walk lightly in this world, providing a fresh cup of water rather than a glass with a few drops of water clinging to the side.  That second glass has more to do with me worried about myself making it through this or that, getting this project done, getting an A etc!  I've actually been telling myself, this is not about getting all A's.  That is just so empty.  I hope for a C, ok would rather a B, and if an A came along I won't refuse it, but I will not spend countless hours studying ALL THE TIME for an A.  I WILL SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS STUDYING so that I might touch a life with kindness, and a cup of fresh water.

Much of life for me seems to be either lived in what I call "frantic" mode or "chilled out."  Some of you have no idea what my frantic mode looks like, some of you are well aware of it because you've seen the inside Steph.  I don't know if I hide it well from others or if I just kid myself and think I'm being discrete.  Regardless of who sees it, that is less and less of what matters.  What I'm realizing is that I often tell myself, "Once this or this is done, THEN I can relax/slowdown/let myself fall" etc.  I spent some chilled out time in Guatemala and I am now FED UP with living a life that feels FRANTIC…sorta like your insides are being squeezed and every bit of peace vacates the premise for a brief period of time.  The difficulty is that I very rapidly shift from frantic to chilled out.  I mean it's a matter of seconds and I can tail spin into a flurry of madness and task master.  It takes me a conscious thought and a little effort (a lot less than it used to) to move toward chillin'.  My thought has always been, just let me finish this and then I can be fully present. I don't want to discount that last sentence, it is often true.  The problem is, it does not always need to be true.  And I am slowly learning, through aching errors, that I need to let go a little bit more.  This freaks me out!  I just started this intense nursing program and I'm thinking about implementing a little more carelessness into my life.  What???  Yeah, I'm in.  I jumped through the hoops to get into school and I'm done.  I really am.  I TRUST FULLY that my God opened this door for me and that HIS plans for what happen after these next 15, no wait one month already done, these next 14 months are more about serving selflessly, letting my life be moved away.

I'm going to say this and I'm sure you won't be surprised, but I feel like my time in Portland is short, for a few reasons.  One, OHSU is an awesome nursing program and Portland is not lacking in many great programs.  Bottom line, the nursing market does not look good in Portland.  So, maybe I'll stay here if opportunity comes with my clinical rotations, but I'm not holding my breath.  Two, eventually, you'll see me leave the country for periods of time.  I don't have any more of the details or I'd be willing to share.  I just know it and actually believe it is PRECISELY why I'm in school.  Where?  What?  How?  I'm waiting.  It might be 10 years, but eventually I see a beautiful marriage between the Spanish language and nursing skills

Enough for now-still, I want to be still.  And I should be a bit studious the night before an exam.  :)