away today...

Away today on a personal retreat. Looking back thru old journals,
sitting here at Skamania lodge with a fire and a view of the Columbia
yet my soul is a bit disturbed from these old writings..."Dream of all
Dreams" WOW!!! Not what I dream about these days. Why have I spent so
much time in angst over what God was up to in my life. I get the
feeling I missed out on some living, but then am reminded of the
process of the journey. That immaturity, ridiculous prayers and
dreams, stages, chapters, and growth are just a part of life and
living. I think it's safe to say, I truly feel alive and in my own
skin thanks to escaping my 20's!!! And partly thanks to those old
journals that (though painful to reread) allowed me to empty myself
onto a page. I will look back at these years and feel some of the
same, some pain from prayers seemingly unattended to by the hand of my
Father, yet with swells of hope for the life He IS giving.

I'm sitting with 1 question today and have not been able to wrangle
the many thoughts into a simple answer. The question, "What RIDICULOUS
prayer are you praying in this season?". It's not that I am unaware of
my wants desires needs etc, but how do you answer that...what is so
ridiculous that the only way to explain it is "but God." And how can I
simplify it into 1 ridiculous prayer when truthfully there are
potentially many. But God, so capable "and the reality is nothing is
too difficult for God." So, pray away I will, all my ridiculous
prayers, and be happy to live in to life as I wish I might have in
those old journals.

Sent from my iPhone

Blog #2 for Today (INSPIRATION SWELLS)

Pardon my disheveled thoughts...running causes my mind to jump to and fro...

Just finished 8 miles, best training run yet. Of course, how could it not be running along the Coquille river, alone with my thoughts and iPod. The weather parted for me as I headed out. It's been wet and chilly, I just ran in the sun and mild temperatures. :) Walked out the door with iPod in hand. Usually plug in U2 or some tempo, upbeat music to keep me moving, but today I needed something different, something more. I needed a good run. Scrolled through to a mix Annie made me entitled "Because He Love You." Prayed, "Lord I need to be inspired today. Inspire me through this run." OK!

Some lyrics I just must share from this run-----

"I didn't promise you skies painted blue, or all colored flowers all your days through. I didn't promise you sun with no rain, joys without sorrow, peace without pain. All that I promise is strength for this day, rest for my worker, light on your way. I'll give you truth when you need it, My help from above. Undying friendship, My unfailing love."

Please have a listen...it'll hit you at the core.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=et-4WksmFkk

Oh! The whole cd is full of lyrics stirring my soul that I actually forgot I was running. That happens every so often, when my feet and breathing are in sync and I am allowed too get lost in thought and prayer. Thanks God, for a lovely run and some inspiration.

One last thought to share from my run. I'm captured by pictures that bring about the idea of faith, you can see part of the path before you, but the rest is left to trusting in what you can't see. You've see a couple of these before, but a new one from today too!

Cocoa Beach Board Walk

Above: cable for zip line through canopies in Costa Rica. The bar is where my left hand held tight over the canyon below! Could not see where the end was...

Powers, the road running along the Coquille River.

A few steps beyond my own...

I know I've mentioned previously how great it has been to be back in Portland and reconnecting with people face to face, a gift and a treasure. Sometimes it feels like no time has passed in my quick stint apart from this city though it becomes obvious when I ponder life then and now. Obvious in how I live, living more fully and less stressed about what I need to do, where I need to be, who I need to be, how I need to live...everyday is filled with something unusually wonderful and that seems just a simple matter of perspective.

Last week I dropped in to see Rena and we spent an entire afternoon visiting, about life, present-past-future. I always leave our visits feeling secure in where I am and what God is doing around me. There is something settling about just being with certain people who have walked a few steps beyond my own. Whenever we connect, she always reminds me she has been praying for me and wondering what's been going on in my life! Rich counsel hovers our conversation without even formally making an entrance into the room. We drift in and out discussing life, God, people in our lives, travel... it is always a gift!

Aaaahhhh...

Spring, lovely Spring! The flowers are popping out, it's 7:22 and still light out, the sun (was, will be again soon) shining...signs of life are coming from multiple sources, it's always good for the soul when the winter breaks and newness comes through.

And spring cleaning!!! Actually, I don't think I have any spring cleaning to do because it tends to happen monthly in my world. I don't know why, but I love getting rid of stuff that I no longer have use for. I think it's the idea that someone else could probably get more use out of this _________ that's been sitting in the closet for the last year. Minimalism becomes me. In fact, I have a feeling (have recently owned the feeling) regarding a particular neurotic pressure...I feel pressure to read everything that comes in the mail...fliers, magazines (cover to cover), inserts...not necessarily ads, thankfully etc. And I've realized this stems from that innate psycholocial pressure to get rid of things. Read the magazine and put it away. Read the mail and put it in the recycling bin. I do not like things to pile up. Alas, I am quite unsuccessful in this and am learning to let it go! It's so insignificant in life! Yes, there are magazines on my table and bits of mail still to be read! I'd really rather be outside as life springs up than sitting in my place reading cover to cover!

P.S. It's a bad idea for you to send me a subscription to the Oregonian!:)

The 'fish' that got away...

:) This post begins with a smile, I'm smiling at your comment, "UR," from the last post. :) Another smile! Well, I can't say there was one fish in particular that got away, but rather a few fish that have "bumped" the line. I think that's what dad calls it, when a fish swims past, but doesn't take the bait. Oh dear Uncle, you will most certainly know when one is on the line (Kind of like the time you had the sturgeon and he unexpectedly took y'all for a ride! Am I getting the story right?)

On another note, one thing I'm realizing in my return to the big city of PDX is the concept of "I know no strangers." Sure, there are strangers, but I either run into someone I know, am somehow connected to a new face through a mutual friend, or I just make new friends quickly. Let me see if I can explain....


The past few days, I have had a friend from the Bandon Dunes (one of the chefs I worked with) visiting and we ate our way through Portland. Last night, we headed out for a lovely evening at a local, small, wine bar just down the street from my place. It was dead all evening so the owner pulled up a chair and began to enlighten our present understanding of food and wine. Quite entertaining and informative. Fairly quickly, we had another person join the table, then another and another. All of the 'joiners' knew each other because they were all studying for their master's in wine...Sommeliers (pronounced so-mall-yay...basically). It really was facinating to hear the process and all the elements that go into producing wine. Well, we ended up spending the entire evening sitting there with strangers, talking as if we'd all known each other for years. I often wonder about situation like this and ask, "how did that happen," but more importantly am pleased that it does.

short thoughts

i'm living in a frequency this week in which i feel as if my thoughts are short circuiting. i have trouble completing sentences and more importantly thoughts. so, here's the short list:

i'm most likely moving again. to a house in the neighborhood with a few other gals. sharing walls with my neighbor is causing tension in my life. a house, please!

my feet hurt-standing and walking in circles all day...this may be a contributor to my short thoughts... all day i'm humming soy, coffee, wheat, whites only, mocha add shot ..................i really like my job! (i'm being serious)

i had dinner tonight with a couple who live in bolivia (south america) and who i continue to meet in my travels to central and south america (including cuba). i wonder what may unfold when these meetings continue to happen. AND will obama raise the embargo?

boys keep dropping in and out of my life. i'll let you know when one sticks for longer than usual. until then, be at peace with the knowledge that there are in fact still fish in the sea! :)

i finally have a couch. i'm still sitting in my wooden chair looking at the couch across the room. it's a nice couch!

my fridge is pretty empty and not because i don't go to the grocery store. i'm learning that it is actually possibly cheaper to meet friends for happy hour than to keep a stocked kitchen. food spoils quickly when your feeding one. (social reasons not included in preceding comment)

i attended an ash wednesday service this past week. the mantra rattling through my head from that evening, the phrase they continued to repeat as they marked every individuals forehead with ashes in the sign of the cross "remember, from dust you came, to dust you shall return."

i subconsciously think i'm still in florida where the winter weather is chilly (40's to 50's) for a few days and then back in the 70s. i keep thinking warm weather is just a few days away and it is not yet spring.

i'm getting wrinkles. i don't know if this is stress from my neighbor or age related. if it is the latter, i welcome them for they mean that i have lived many fine days. if the former, let them disappear and be replaced with time, not stress.

i'm getting old. saturday night, 10:17 pm and this chick is off to bed!

resolute!

(I'm not going to comment on my disappearance from blogging (though I just did!). )

Quick update: I am an employed woman now and enjoying my job as a "bartender" at a great, well established Portland restaurant just 5 blocks from my apartment. I put bartender in quotes because I don't feel my job is what one traditionally thinks of when they hear the word. My barista experience has come back to provide a fun job in this crazy economy and I'm thankful. Blah blah blah, I don't really feel like talking about the surfacey events in my life and my intent with my musings on here is to offer more heart spoken, vulnerable contemplations on my life, maybe more so my inside life though my outside life and inside life are married and I intend to keep it that way. Here I go on a tangent...............I don't desire to live one without the other and this blog has been an essential part of the process to let my inside world out! :)

Here we go, journeying forward, again.

So, I recently (last November) spent a weekend with my former employer from Florida, Greg Wiens and another one of the staff members, Max Strothers from Florida. I was invited to Kennewick, WA to sit in on a church consultation. I won't go into details about that because it would take pages and is not the point. My time in Florida was MONUMENTAL-STRATEGIC-FOREVER IMPRESSING on my development. It has not stopped and I continue to desire this for my own life because it has channeled itself into deep, moving conversations into other lives as well. That time with Greg and Max led to another opportunity for personal development. During my Orlando venture, Greg introduced me to new ideas and tools for personality assessment and knowing who I am, how I'm wired, what makes me tick etc. Something he required for staff and which I embraced wholeheartedly. I even had to take a few tests before I went to Florida for the interview. This was just the beginning of my exposure and upon my trip to Kennewick, Max offered more of the same. So, this past week I spent a few hours taking personality tests--- emotional intelligence, conflict management, how I operate in certain situations, how I view the world, myself etc etc. on and on! I love this stuff! Just yesterday, I spent a long phone conversation going over the details of the assessment as Max took me through the results and showed me where he was reading especially between the lines. I am continually being informed which causes me to keep working out the details in life. For example, I am an avoider and accommodater in conflict situations...not good because then I begin to destroy the inside of me while the other person is happily contented to win over the situation. I'm not saying that's bad for them, just that it's not good to deal with conflict by avoiding it, HELLO. I think we all know this, I'm asking Max, "How do I begin to operate differently, how do I approach those situations." Over the course of the phone call, insight fell before me as my phone went dead. We decided I would chew on what I had and discuss more again soon. Again, I love this stuff! If you're curious about yourself, I can suggest some great books.

Parker Palmer-Let Your Life Speak

Tom Rath-StrengthsFinder 2.0 (Includes a phenominal test to discovering your wonderful abilities)

Marcus Buckingham-Now, Discover Your Strengths (the first version of StrengthsFinder 2.0)

Gary Chapman-The Five Love Languages

Those are a good start. And, I'm sure there are others...IT'S NEVER TO LATE TO DISCOVER/REDISCOVER WHO YOU ARE AND HOW YOU WERE KNIT TOGETHER BY GOD HIMSELF.

Keep checking me, I'm lining them up so you're not bombarded with one blog update!

Something is Brewing

Let's just say it's felt like a long time since I've had inspiration to write out my thoughts and share. I haven't understood why, the ebb and flow effect I guess, but I sense a newness stirring and a desire to get back on here with my inside thoughts!

The last few weeks, there have been a handful of nights where I've woken up at 4:30AM for no apparent reason. I'm just far enough "out there" to believe that sometimes God has something to do with those early stirrings. I've actually asked on occasion for Him to wake me if there's something I need to pray for or listen for. It's in those midnight hours where white noise ceases to exist, my thoughts have stopped running in circles, and I'm too out of it to be concerned about the next days events...that's when He slides in and stirs. It's exciting to me as well, I feel like I get to partner in something bigger than my individual life and daily stresses. So......I......Pray. Whatever/whoever comes to mind. And then I sensed Him asking, "Steph, what do you need?" And I answered listing off things in my life that I'd like to see some answered prayer, specifically in the line of a job. And then as I rambled on with my list, I sensed Him bending the question, "Steph, what does you heart need?" I instantly knew the answer! God I need to know You care about my little life and circumstances right now. I really need to see you step in the gap and move on my behalf.

I believe He is and will fill in where I have need. I've been reading through Colossians over and over the last 6 weeks. Sometimes verses just stick and the one hanging on my thoughts...

So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness. -Col. 2:6

That's something I can chew on for...a year perhaps! What does it mean for my life to receive Christ? How do I live and continue to live in Him? Hard times? Easy times? How am I rooted in Him? What/who is part of the process of my being built up in Him? How am I strengthened in the faith? Am I overflowing with thankfulness? When I look around, is life simple (as it should be) and am I grateful as I should be?

I believe 2009 is going to be an incredible year for me. I'm not special, that's not why I think it's going to be great. I'm just barely wise enought to know it's not about me and I just want to make the most of what is and not pine for what is not. Carpe diem! Seize the day!

My Favorite Christmas Hymn

Upon hearing this song, my senses are brought back to a softened space. One of adoration and thanksgiving, admiration, declaration, celebration. In awe of the gift that is Emmanuel, God with us; in flesh, Christ the Lord, baby Jesus whose birth we celebrate in CHRISTmas.

Merry Christmas to all you readers. May the words of this hymn cause a kind of peace and joy that no other store bought gift can evoke.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,
It is the night of our dear Saviour's birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
'Til He appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born;
O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here come the wise men from Orient land.
The King of Kings lay thus in lowly manger;
In all our trials born to be our friend.

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,
His power and glory evermore proclaim.
His power and glory evermore proclaim.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

AND BLESSINGS AS WE START ANOTHER YEAR

FRESH AND NEW!

Journey where? The life and times of my obscure journeys!

Yes, you have journeyed with me to Costa Rica, to Florida, across the country and back, to South America, Puerto Rico...we've gone to a few places. Yes, you've also journeyed with me emotionally through up and downs, new things and old, losses and gains. Sometimes you didn't know it, but you were there through boy stuff too!;) I may not have metioned it directly, but my emotions were there causing my thought process to wander where it might.

Let me take you with me on a journey through furnitutre shopping. Oh, the lessons learned walking past sofa after sofa, chair after chair. The questions of getting a sleeper or not- where does company stay in a one bedroom apt. with wood floors? Thanks to the insight of a dear friend, "I'd rather sleep on a blow-up bed than a sleeper-sofa!" Thank you, Shannon!!! You just made my life a little easier.

I actually bought a sofa and chair (side note...I'm not sure what the difference is, someone please inform me, between a sofa and a couch) but just today returned it. It wasn't the kind you could wrap up in a blanket and vege with a movie or a book. I felt like I was falling forward off of it. Good looking couch, totally not comfortable or functional for my needs! (I am talking about couches/sofas, not men!) I learned that you really need to take a blanket, throw pillow, and a book with you when you go shopping. Just tell the sales person you're looking for the right couch and you might be taking a nap on one or two of those on display. I have found that they are more than ok with that. In fact, they encourage the lounging! Honestly, that is the only way I think it's possible to know if it's a fit. The tension between quality, cost, and namebrand has also been an interesting process. Unfortunately, IKEA had a great couch, but upon inspection, the craftsmanship and detail was surprising and not what I expected for the price they ask.

So, as much as I'm "over it!" in regards to shopping for a cozy couch, I've learned a great deal about furniture!

Kansas without Toto!

Well, I have just returned from my last trip of the year! A trip to Kansas City to visit my dear friends (formerly from FL) Erin and Steve. Thanks to flight points which lead to free travel, I've made use of my "down time." I had a great time picking out Christmas trees, eating chili and watching college football, shopping for baby stuff with Erin, going to the Plaza for sushi and to see the lights; a very festive weekend. It's good to be back in PDX, ready for the Christmas season and settling into a rhythm.

Me, with Charlie Brown's Christmas tree!

Steph, Baby Payton, and Erin with their Christmas tree!

Of course we went to Starbucks for a hot beverage! It's was chilly!

Another Reflection

I'm looking at the title of this blog, ready to go home (I'm sitting here at the cafe listening to 3 gentlemen gabbing in another language, clearly it IS NOT Spanish!), but I need to get this out.

Journey Forth, travel forward, this blog has been about movement and experiencing life out there instead of just sitting in my cozy little compartment of life. And, as I sit here in Portland, for 2 weeks now, I find myself in the job hunt in what so many are calling a recession/depression. Yes, I could get worried and anxious, but I am making a daily choice not to. It has never changed my circumstances in the past and it's such a waste of good energy. So, as I hunt and wait and pray and hope and apply, I've caught myself forming the criticizing sentence, "Steph, you did this to yourself. Looking for another job because you keep moving and changing etc etc." And yet, this blog would not exist if I had not decided to change and take a chance, to venture out into the unknown. My looking for another job is the premium necessary to have had the amazing experiences that I've had!

I have a book I've been carrying with me to coffee the past week. I came across it unpacking my boxes and I don't remember who gave it to me, but it was a gift. The name, Simple Truths. It has several very short chapters and today I sat here and read the one entitled, "On Travel." You know what, I'm glad I'm looking for yet another job! I would have missed so much of what has caused so much growth in my life and in working out internally and externally who I am, who I was created to be...and doing that with vulnerability and authenticity.

Some quotes from that chapter:

• If we don't offer ourselves to the unknown, our senses dull. Our world becomes small and we lose our sense of wonder...
• Travel, no matter how humble, will etch new elements in your character.
• When I am old, and my body has begun to fail me, my memories will be waiting for me.

I'm not suggesting that life is all about travel and if you don't then you haven't lived. I AM suggesting that my state of affairs, the job hunt, is a necessary and welcome consequence to my need to travel and move in order to find that drum, that beat which I walk to. We all find it at different times in life and through our own journey. Changing jobs and looking for new ones has been my journey. I'm owning that! I've learned how satisfying it can be to simply work at a restaurant. I've found delight in learning about my coworkers, their stories, where they've been in pain and joy, sharing life...and I've been lucky as many of those relationships continue far beyond my employment.

I am blessed and hunting for another job!

About the new profile pic...

I don't actually know where the photo is, but one of my family members found the slide of this picture and gave it to me a while back. It makes me smile...I ADORED that swim suit. I don't know why, I just thought it was the coolest thing ever. Rogue River, where this was taken, I have so many memories of this place. Some include sunshine and playing in Foster Creek, others include lots of rain and melting the bottom of my brand new velcro school shoes trying to dry by the fire, and still others place me too close to big bears! No kidding and more than once!

The First Test

Or in other words, the first rain! I'm in my new place in NE Portland, wearing a smile on my face, strolling the leaf covered streets, meeting my new neighbors, getting to know the coffee shops in my neighborhood, walking to the grocery store, basically enjoying myself and my place here. In this new place, I imagine life without relying on a car. All of my basic needs are within 4 blocks, even the US Post Office. Then this morning, I stepped out the door and it was raining. "Will I really walk?", I asked myself. Yes, I have to. Even if I wanted to drive, I wouldn't find a closer parking spot! I pulled out the umbrella along with the rain jacket and off I went. I'm going to need those rainboots this winter if I keep up the walking! I do not enjoy wet socks or feet! I'm no duck! GO BEAVS!!! (My plug for civil war!)

My heart belongs in the city right now. I don't entirely understand it, but I come alive here and feel a great sense of purpose. I'm still on the hunt for a job, but am fixed this week and praying for a particular job at "lucy." With each step, I'm navigating. One of those phrases from the past that keeps popping into my conscience...AND I TRUST IN YOU. I believe God for provision and am thankful for times like this when I have to rely on Him. I want my life to be the proof of His work on our behalf! If we would but stop ourselves and allow Him access, I wonder what kind of motion that would create?!

These two pictures are blown up and sitting on the mantel above my fireplace. They remind me of where I've been and where I'm going. I can only see so far down the boardwalk, but I know beauty, here in the sun rising, will be one part of the journey.

Oregon, I'm falling in love

It's me! Yeah, I'm actually on here and in my happy place ie cup of coffee, free wifi, passerbys meandering in and out of the rain. This, this is what inspires me to get on my laptop and start tap, tapping away!

So, hello again! I'm in Portland this week looking for jobs/apts and feeling extremely excited. I do believe I'm in on a very cool place, but I've got to wait for the final call. It's in the Irvington district and everything I need is walkable (grocery store, restaurants, coffee shops, post office, cleaners, mall, max line to downtown)! It's wonderful. I have thoughts of San Jose Costa Rica where I walked and rode public transportation everywhere. (Cute boys too, yay!;)!!!) And, jobs are looking up too as I finally have a polished resume ready to go. I just can't wait to settle into a place. It's gonna feel like Christmas opening up all my belongings that have been boxed since Florida! Wow, if I ever....no never mind cause I'm sure I will!

So, Oregon and falling in love. I started to realize a few months ago that I am definitely a NW girl. A few weeks ago, I went on an afternoon bachelorette winery tour with some great friends. Dundee OR looks like Tuscany. Not that I've been to Italy, but it looks like pictures from Under the Tuscan Sun and the Olive Garden Menu! I didn't know Oregon had it in her, but I'm proud; wine, ocean, mountains, fall, changing leaves, rain (yes that too, used my umbrella today for the first time in a few years!), runners, bikers, Trader Joes! It's good to be here.

I did leave
and then returned.
Fixing my face forward,
finding the way today,
here.

Here, I returned.
Readied to leave,
hastened to FIGURE IT OUT,
mysteries.

Mystery affords beauty which captures.
Leaving it a mystery, beauty embellishes
and I return to
this beautiful mess...life.

Life fully embraced.
Anchored in One,
returning, no not returning!
Ever onward.

London, England 2012?

I went on a long bike ride this evening. It was beautiful, beautiful winding road-up and down-on my way through the Siskyou National Forest. The river off to my right eventually turned into a very rocky, narrow gorge with tall, old timber clinging to the banks offering a picturesque backdrop to my panting up...up...up...burning quads and knuckles holding tight pushing-pulling my way with slight glances to the right calming my mind and easing my breath. This is God's country! It truly is one of the most beautiful places in the world. Yes, I love mountains and snow, palm trees and white sand, warm beaches and fresh tropical fruit, but this place is untouched, undiscovered, still a hidden treasure that others have not yet seen, have seen and can appreciate, have seen and are accustomed to. My soul connects with creation in this place...even when I'm panting on an uphill ride.

My adrenaline is flowing on rides such as this and with it an outpouring of thoughts. I usually come back in from a ride (or run for that matter) ready to conquer, inspired to walk outside the norm, ready to move move move! I come back with gumption. Yes, that's the word-with courage and spunk and guts! You can still hear it through the keys on my computer, can't you?!?


All that to bring me to this point. I've come to an understanding of making plans vs. setting goals. These always fell into the same category before, but something in me has learned, or decided and understood the need to differentiate. I've stated numerous times, I don't want to plan right now, I'm just praying. Well, I've felt very unproductive and decided part of praying is also making decisions, not waiting for heaven to fall on my face! I have this opt-out attitude when it comes to making decisions for my future. I'm looking for someone else to decide...how cowardly of me. Plans vs. goals-of course they look the same so often. Plans, the action to reaching a goal and the decision to put in the effort/discipline to reach the goal. The point is-I have to set goals, I need them to move me forward and there is a difference between making plans and setting goals. There are SO many books out there and numerous advisers who would encourage one to set 1, 2, 5, 10 year goals etc. I have a list of dreams, but I've never written down what I'd like to accomplish in the next 5 years. I'm not sure if that is laziness or fear of adding pressure and a "get it done" kind of lifestyle. I kinda like meandering.


My friend Sara likes to tease me about "what's next?". We ran our first marathon together and since then she seems to think I've always got something up my sleeve! My last visit to Portland, we went on a long walk and I shared about wanting to buy an around-the-world ticket to travel the world, sell my car and live in NY city because I'm sick of gas prices and want to attempt to live independent of a vehicle (yes, these ideas come after my runs!;) ), move to Nashville, open a restaurant etc etc etc.! I'm worn out! Too many plans! So, it comes down to my goals in life. What are those 2, 5, 10 year goals? Here is one for you, the next 4 year goal is to go to the Olympics, 2012 in London England! I'm already so ecstatic and recruiting folks to come along. No, silly! I'm not competing. I've followed the trials in Eugene, track and field, and was in awe of those athletes. Just sit back and watch them move, the human body amazes me. And it seems so wierd, but something in me clicked as soon as I decided I wanted to go and watch. Something in me settled and decided it's time to buckle up and work hard, save money and make some great plans for attending. I can feel some of you chuckling at this random silliness, but honestly, I don't have a husband or a family or a career I'm passionate about which would lead me to staying put. And something this simple has clicked. Or maybe I just needed the next goal to look forward to. Something to achieve.


So, in the last post I said I was going to share something on the single life. I've been doing some market research :) and some reading and long time reflecting. Here is one simple blip from my experience. Timing is everything. As much as I'll admit hoping for a harp player (another story here), I've really been more concerned with myself and understanding what I have to offer, learning who I am and what I can give to others, before that is determined for me, before I accept what is culturally expected from my small town roots, to my church background, to my own desires and where they stem from. I know what my mom is thinking, "Steph, stop thinking about it" oh but that's not me. I'm an analyzer and you'll love me for every bit of it! I realize there is no end to learning about ourselves, but I'm absolutely grateful for the last few years of turmoil, growth, friendships, travel, moves across the country, foreign territory (physical, emotionl, relational, spiritual) etc.

Note to the reader:
These posts feel very random and wordy lately. I think I could gab at you and go on and on buzzing about and, well, I hope I'm just getting to the point too. Thankful for your kindness in my randomness.:)

Hello! (out of practice=randomness!)

Wow, too long since I've been on here. There have definitely been moments (especially on my commute) where I've wanted to write my thoughts down, but then I get home and distracted and it doesn't happen.

I don't have a lot to share on here, yet. I'm not really sure I have much to share at all, inspiration is running thin these days and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe it's the lazy days of summer, maybe my crazy hours (though I'm enjoying the restaurant environment), maybe I'm around people all the time and find that I don't spend as much time internally carrying on a conversation! Just a different place these past few months.

I purposely came home without much of a plan. I had a plan, but I've got many of those. Depending on the day I may be headed back to Portland or jet-setting and on my way to Europe. AND I've heard plenty of reasons why both should be the right next adventure. My problem= making a decision!:) I'm realizing the great value of stopping and digging in to a place. I did some of that in FL, but think my roots didn't go too deep because I was so far from home. I used to think I needed to be out somewhere in the world serving God, maybe a third world or developing country, maybe some place on the other side of the states. I've known in my head and have come to understand, our serving the Lord does not depend on place but function. I hate the saying but it is so true, "Bloom where you are planted." It's so cliche, but fitting! I'm chasing that perfect place to plant, but it does not exist. It is merely heaven planted in my heart. It makes me look forward to what is ahead.

So, I had a mentor/pastor encourage me to continue to write and go back through some old journals. I'm planning on it, but I'm so scattered right now I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm living in two places (three the next few weeks) and moving about with my pillow and suitcase! Reminds me of Costa Rica...I recall the end of my time there and looking forward to not living out of my backpack. This has stirred that want in me to make some "big girl decisions" and find a place to unpack the boxes and items I've tucked away since January. It sounds so trite, but I'm really looking forward to unpacking my coffee mugs. I wonder if that is symbolic of sitting down, journaling, and thinking about things that stir. Hhhmmm, maybe there is a connection there.

That must be it for now! I leave for work at 4:23am tomorrow and it is off to bed for me. Thanks for following.

Soon to come-something about the single life!

Pondering...

to reflect or consider with thoroughness and care.

Today, I thought to myself, "this is a day for writing." I have the urge and typing that phrase creates in me a deep stirring and an exasperated throwing up of my hands. Buried are the words, thoughts...maybe an analogy will suffice for what I'm trying to describe! Or maybe just an explanation. I was in Portland last week for the funeral of a sweet, beautiful, young woman who I had the privilege of walking beside during her high school years. In the car driving to and from, I had plenty of time to ponder and talk with God and receive His love and adore Him in return. It's in those times and moments, when my "cup runneth over" in reflecting about life, that I have millions (ok, not millions, but lots) of crashing thoughts. Some day, I do hope I will develop my ability to retain and explore the depths of those thoughts...even to the point of leaving the filter at the door. So, today is a day for writing and the thoughts, they've buried themselves for another visit. I smile because I know they have not disappeared, they're simply chained to a place I am exploring. I desire diligence in my endeavor to free them.

Pondering...success.

Thankfully, the questions I mentioned a few posts prior have relented. I've made a decision to stop living under pressure. Pressure that stems from, ME! I realize we have the great ability to determine our lives lived out. Sure, there are external influences, but we also have choices and many of those are daily choices regarding perspective and attitude. I tend to live under an element of pressure and expectation of success. Only my standard for success was not a measurement I had any control over. No, that's not even it, not control, but definition. My definition of success (and purpose) was one I had adopted from multiple sources. None evil in their own right, but none the less negative to my sense of fulfilling a purpose with my life. So, in keeping step with a book I've recently been thumbing through, it's up to me to determine, through pondering and prayer, how each day is spent in reaching to fulfill a God-given right in life...the ability to spend it...and for a righteous cause...however that might look for MY life and only my life!

So, I'm redefining. Honestly, success (in my past definition) could have been one of two paths-wife, mother etc. or climbing the career ladder, both wonderful paths, but neither that I have chosen. Time may take me by the hand and lead down one or both of those paths, but up to this moment neither of those two have secured me on their trodden ways. So, I've explained this to myself in the words of defeat, missing success. The reality is, I've ultimately, sometimes consciously other times unconsciously, chosen differently. I do desire each of those paths, at different times, but in choosing differently I've come up short. (That's what I've told myself.)Please don't get me wrong, I write this with clarity and an acute awareness that I've been a little too hard on myself. If I asked you about my life, I have no doubt that you'd affirm success, but yours is not my definition. My own rattles around in my head. Surprisingly, I've not been experiencing feelings of defeat having come home. More and more it feels like I've left those old nagging, pestering feelings in my wake and I'm on new ground. That in itself, new ground, feels good...and right.

Success-my definition-roughly, it has everything to do with loving and searching out God and then allowing Him to touch lives through mine...whatever that looks like. And that is something I'm in a conversation with the Lord about.

Well, these thoughts feel rough, but I'd rather post and feel the freedom to do so than polish and expect perfection. Perfection is not a part of my definition of a life of purpose (success).

Time Alone

So, I ended up on the couch with my Bible this morning. We had family come to town and I didn't feel much like going to church. Not yet. Maybe a cushion for avoiding more questions. It has been an overwhelming week. Not good, not bad, not hard, not easy...I'm just sort of here and trying to get my feet set on all these moving objects. It's so hard to put words to these feelings. I'm at peace with all of this, I just have no clue what I'm staring at over the horizon. No, wrong choice of word! I have no clue what I'm staring at over the hedge. (I can't think about the horizon right now, just the hedge-that's far enough!:) ) It's not a fearful place to be, again, I have peace. I'm just so used to having a plan, it is pretty refreshing to sort of sit back and pray. I know I keep talking about "just praying," but it really does feel like I'm opening the door to allow God to work this out. Now, that's exciting...I've seen what He can create!

Anyway, about my morning and the title of this particular post, "Time Alone." Hhhmm maybe that's more than the title to this post...maybe that will be a description of my summer. Not necessarily being "alone," but relishing in the opportunity I have to "lighten my load" and instead of seeking answers, seeking God.

Ok, ok back to this morning...

Luke 6:46-48
"Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built."

... "dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock" It jumped out at me and made me stop and think. I need some of that...some digging, digging deeper. Some work, working out more of the particulars of my faith. Not beginning at the beginning again, but in the thick of it. Not being busy doing stuff for God and leaving Him on the side. Not calling myself a follower and then turning on the noise and tuning out the whispers that call me to a deeper connection. Not worrying about what occupation I'll throw myself into, but finding natural rhythms to walking with Christ. Not just blindly going through movements, becoming stale and losing the conversation that began in my youth and became stronger as I grew, but developing the language and context of that conversation. I'm praying that these desires would truly come from a place in my heart that is waiting to be explored.

And that takes me back to adventure...