Finale

This is an awkward place to sit, hanging in the balance of not there and not quite here.  That's how it feels being back in Portland getting ready for school.  I've had a few needles in my arms the last few weeks, have been on the computer completing all the prerequisite training modules…HIPPA (oh so interesting), emergency codes and training etc.  In between all this fun activity, I feel a bit lost in the waiting.  I keep thinking about writing and wanting to share stories about POP, but being here and writing about there feels strange.  Honestly, I don't know what to share.  I'm aware of having left out many details and gaps in the stories I did share.  I intended to write about the POP staff, a more detailed version of the activities at the clinic, what it looks like when a team shows up for a week, more about the girls and some fun activities, a visit on Easter Sunday from US Senator Mary Landrieu, but I'm lacking.  Maybe this blog has been nagging and calling more because of my own, practical desire to archive those events and not necessarily for you who read.  So, I'm extending myself grace to call this finished though in many ways it is still incomplete.  (Ah, that sounds like a life lesson!)  As I thought about what I'd fill in in these last few posts (which have been condensed into this ONE), I got sad and started to reconsider my initial conviction of putting the ol' blog on the shelf.  And then I quickly resigned that feeling sad is by no means a reason to keep this open.  Looking out the window, my first thought, "Today is a new day."  I'm picturing stacks of notecards and books in my future, looking forward to and thankful for the opportunity to study at OHSU!!!!!!!, and eager to take full advantage of throwing myself into this learning process.

So, it seems fitting to sign off in a place that is out of the ordinary. Ok, I'm sentimental and I want to remember this!  I'm sitting in a huge bay window on the second story of a beautiful home of a friend.  A bit of a retreat, yes.  Why?  Because the opportunity presented itself and a few days at the sea resonated within.  I'm in Depoe Bay, staring at the waves crashing against the rock cliff just below my window.  An appropriate place to wrap things up!  Acutely aware of His closeness.  "He is more intimate with us than we are with ourselves." -Augustine  I'm especially thankful for this insight, in it I find peace and grace.  Journey Forth- I'm thankful for this place to have shared about life, it's been cathartic and encouraging. 

Lastly, I'm still currently head over heals for a new favorite author, Brennan Manning, and just about to finish another of his books, Lion and the Lamb.  Here is where my mind was trapped today…Manning writes:

The story goes that Thomas Aquinas, perhaps the world's greatest theologian, toward the end of his life suddenly stopped writing.  When his secretary complained that his work was unfinished, Thomas replied: "Brother Reginald, when I was at prayer a few months ago, I experienced something of the reality of Jesus Christ. That day, I lost all appetite for writing.  In fact, all I have ever written about Christ seems now to me to be like straw."


Father, grace us with the reality of Your presence, that all else might pale in comparison.

Donuts-Flowers-Helser's

Voodoo donuts-I  vacillated between the choc.ricecrispies.pb
and the maple glazed with bacon…all at 1 in the morning!

I'm here.  Upon arrival, they surprised me at the airport and I was completely dumbfounded.  Gretchen, home from Cambodia for 2 months, ran up behind me and gave me a big hug.  I looked at her like I'd never seen her before.  I was so consumed in my thoughts.  Add to that the fact that I was not expecting a welcome committee, was sleep deprived and I haven't seen G in over a year.  I gave her the stink eye until I realized what was going on and Annie ran up on the other side of me!  Well, forget about sleep after that.  We made our way to Voodoo donuts and finally got home at 1:15AM.  I decided to start unpacking and ended up staying up all night!  My cat-nap was then interrupted by my lovely mom holding flowers.

Mom, so thoughtful.  Thank you, it was great to spend the day with you! 

It's a place you expect to wait and the wait is worth it.  Coffee makes it possible. 

Yesterday, G, A and I went to Helser's on Alberta and I think my welcome back is now complete post breakfast outing.  We had an eventful morning speaking English, Spanish, and Khmer.  Gretchen spent some intense time learning Khmer and is so very impressive when she speaks.  

Folks, thanks for following along.  I have a few more posts I want to share (actually several, but we'll see how that goes) and then I'm going to be closing down Journey Forth.  It's something I've been thinking/praying/processing through.  I love coming here to dump my thoughts.  It's made me a more transparent and vulnerable person, especially in regards to really speaking what the Lord stirs in my soul.  I feel like I can say what I really feel here, the depths of those often unshared thoughts AND the shallowness of everyday life!;)  Blogging here has been great, if you want to know what I'm thinking, here you go, but I've not vied for your attention and I'm not flustered by watching you look over my shoulder waiting for a good opportunity to make your escape from the conversation. ;) Here, you're invited and welcomed to stay if your curiosity is piqued.  Your just as free to pass on through…and for that I feel I can share freely and without (too much) reservation.

Anyway, a few more posts and then this site will go into the archives.  This was started as a way to keep you up-to-date while I spent time in Costa Rica, over 5 years ago, and was continued because I moved across the country.  There has been much movement to life these years, but as is often the case, it feels appropriate to close this chapter.  It has served it's purpose and I don't want to delay or hold on when it is actually time to move on.  This place helped me through the angst of these years, wondering where life is leading.  Starting nursing school feels like an end to the "meandering" that this blog represents.  It feels good and necessary to tuck Journey Forth away on the shelf and maybe time for a fresh start.  I think I will write, just not here.  I'll share that link if it happens, maybe all the wonders of nursing school.

So, expect a few more posts…I just HAVE to share a couple more things about those lady POPsters.

Love 'em, missin' 'em.

Gonna miss...

this.

May I add...

The goodness of play, sweet smiles, candy wrappers strewn about, florescent lighting, knocks on the door after dinner seeking help with homework or an ear to listen, screams of joy from the kids at the pool on the other side of the fence, eating at a table for 22, hearing my name scrambled into a Spanish equivalent and trumpeted from the balconies of the houses above, hugs, constant cascades of love, sitting on the swing, counting as they jump rope, the amusement of watching imaginative minds create ways to spend time, driving in constant exhaust, reading/listening/musing/talking with God on the back porch, panoramic views of this giant city, riding in a school bus again, blowing and catching kisses-melt my heart, good coffee AND instant coffee, learning faces of those who turn up at the clinic, walking this hill morning after morning, greeting the staff bright and early, playing around the world, partying with piñatas-frequently, headaches from too many chicas screaming at one time, constant questions about movie nights, trying-trying to operate in another language to have a simple conversation, taking pictures of EVERYTHING…just a bit of what life has looked like and what I'm going to miss-minus the exhaust from the buses.

Wednesday is my flight.  Yes, nearly two weeks early.  Life continues to progress, unfold, transform.  I have a lot to say, I think I'll say it another day.  I love them and I am loved by them-that's good and that hurts.

Photo Update-I heart POP.

Flowers for my 34th from Deisy and Maricruz!

Anay and Lucerito 

Dafne with her candy after the Camp Sonshine Easter Egg Hunt!

Sarai reads to me, "Abba's Child" -B. Manning…how appropriate. 

Flor, Joselin, Marsha and Mabel. 

Velveth showing her Guate pride and prepping for the Camp Sonshine USA-Guate futobol (soccer) match. 

Deisy showing Sarai her freshly painted face.

Get off the road, here come Sylvia, Yohana, and Ana. 

Yohana, beautiful. 

Beautiful Yoselin advertising for Pepsi! Go Guate! 

Mayra aka-Hembra and me-aka Agorita.   

Reyna, Alyssa, Evelyn and Marielos prepping for the game. 

Eloisa, sus ojos! Que Bonita! 

Alicia going all out! 

Odilia, Carol, and Lupita. 

Lisdenia loves her team! 

Girl can jump! 

Maria and Rosita at the luau.  

A fantastic night to cap off a great week with Camp Sonshine!   

Eugenia looking beautiful.

Suleyka making it to the finals in the limbo! 

Dulce, que bonita! 

Blanquita's toothless grin is about to disappear. 

Getting a little love from this sweet chick! 

Velveth looking like she's up to something, as usual! 

Lisbeth and Marielos baking in Casa B. 

Fernanda and I-laundry day! 

xoxo Maria xoxo 

Daniela. 

Karen, Maria, and Daniela kind of doing laundry. 

Love this-Rosita, Dulce, and Viviana 

Yes, Guate has a Starbucks on the OTHER side of the city.  We made it an evening outing.
Lauren, Ninoshka and Maricruz.

"Present Risenness"

A new phrase I gathered from Brennan Manning, "present risenness."  "The Jesus who walked the roads of Judea and Galilee is the One who stands beside us.  The Christ of history is the Christ of faith."

Celebrating His risenness today, His presence with me in everything.  He is alive.  He is risen.  Death is conquered.



***Meant to post the following earlier this week!***
Brennan Manning is quickly climbing my "favorite authors" list.  I just finished his "Abba's Child" and I recommend it.  I love his writing, probably more so because he is weathered.  He doesn't speak from the vantage point of theory, but experience.  He's been through the up and down.  He's gone inside to search the depths and I appreciate that he writes from a rich, muddy, imperfect, humble, and balanced perspective.  I imagine him with a husky voice, relaying life and reality-the here and now and in the life ahead.  As he imparts wisdom and engages me in his stories, gut-wrenching realities and thoughtful prompts, I imagine him speaking at me.  He pauses often to make me uncomfortable with silence so that I might dwell with the discomfort he often leads me to, with great purpose.  And here is where I attempt to listen.  To listen is difficult.  It means putting to a halt the constant rattle I live with, a rattle I've come to recognize as both a help and a hindrance.  You, too, might know exactly what I'm talking about.  How often I (we) don't pause to truly listen.  I'm working on that this month while I'm still away from the fast and furious pace of los estadounidenses (gringos-north americans-you get it).

A few highlights I'm choosing to share:

• In light of this week leading up to Jesus Christ's death and resurrection...Pharisees invest heavily in extrinsic religious gestures, rituals, methods, and techniques, breeding allegedly holy people who are judgmental, mechanical, lifeless, and as intolerant of others as they are of themselves-violent people, the very opposite of holiness and love, "the type of spiritual people who, conscious of their spirituality, then proceed to crucify the Messiah."  Jesus did not die at the hands of muggers, rapists, or thugs.  He fell into the well-scrubbed hands of deeply religious people, society's most respected members.

• …the heart of it is this: to make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth.  Define yourself radically as one beloved by God.  God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth.  Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life.  …We discuss it.  The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation…not kudos of appreciation from parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to the place…I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me "You are my son (daughter), my beloved one." …The ordinary self is the extraordinary self-the inconspicuous nobody who shivers in the cold of winter and sweats in the heat of summer, who wakes up unreconciled to the new day, who sits before a stack of pancakes, weaves through traffic, bangs around in the basement, shops in the supermarket, pulls weeds and rakes up the leaves, makes love and snowballs, flies kites and listens to the sound of rain on the roof. …While the imposter draws his identity from past achievements and the adulation of others, the true self claims identity in it's belovedness.  We encounter God in the ordinariness of life: not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary, mystical experiences but in our simple PRESENCE IN LIFE.

• Standing on a London street corner, GK Chesterton was approached by a newspaper reporter, "Sir, I understand that you recently became a Christian.  May I ask you one question?"  "Certainly," replied Chesterton.  "If the risen Christ suddenly appeared at this very moment and stood behind you, what would you do?"  Chesterton looked the reporter squarely in the eye and said, "He is." … The Jesus who walked the roads of Judea and Galilee is the One who stands beside us.  The Christ of history is the Christ of faith."

• Everything that is comes alive in the risen Christ-who as Chesterton reminded, is standing behind us.  Everything-great, small, important, unimportant, distant, and near-has its place, its meaning, and its value.  Through union with Him (as Augustine said, HE IS MORE INTIMATE WITH US THAN WE ARE WITH OURSELVES), nothing is wasted, nothing is missing.  There is never a moment that does not carry eternal significance- no action that is sterile, no love that lacks fruition, and no prayer that is unheard.  "We know that by turning everything to their good God cooperates with all those who love him.-Rom8:28  The apparent frustrations of circumstances, seen or unforeseen, of illness, of misunderstandings, even of our own sins, do not thwart the final fulfillment of our lives hidden with Christ in God.  The awareness of present risenness effects the integration of intuition and will, emotion and reason.  Less preoccupied with appearances, we are less inclined to change costumes to win approval with each shift of company and circumstance.  We are not one person at home, another in the office; one person at church, another in traffic.  We do not pass rudderless from one episode to another, idly seeking some distraction to pass the time, remaining stoic to each new emotion, enduring with a shrug of our shoulders when something irks or irritates.  Now circumstances feed us, not we them; we use them, not they us.  Gradually we become whole and mature persons whose faculties and energies are harmonized and integrated.

Enough, I know.  Read the book if you're a doer, an achiever, a list maker, or just in need of a reminder of why He loves us.  Not what you did, what you're doing, or what you plan to do.  He just does.  Next on the list, waiting on the table, is another Manning book!

Sometimes I start with one intent and end up writing something quite different!

Ok, I just need to set the facts straight again!  Apologies, the first ChipIn went dead as soon as April 12th came around.  I didn't realize it stopped accepting donations once the date passed.  So, that's why you see Giving to Guatemala #2!  The money (by the way we're actually at 52.6%!!!!) will be lumped together and passed along to POP at the end of my time here.  THANK YOU!

Speaking of the end of my time...I asked you to pray for my remaining time, that I'd be present HERE until the end and continue to invest in these ladies.  Thanks for praying.  Please keep praying.  I'm afraid I may have to cut my time short so that I can go pee in a cup in Oregon!  Seriously?!?!  Yes, my drug test needs to come back (can take 10 weeks???) before classes begin and I don't know if they'll give me an extension on the date.  Orientation is June 10, so soon!  Frazzled, but praying and trusting.  Yes, I can be ready physically, but emotionally and mentally-I'm not there yet.

This past week I've been staying in Casa A with the girls.  We had a large team here -Camp Sonshine- for the week and needed extra sleeping space for one of the families.  It has been a great week.  The girls are out of school for Holy Week and they've been entertained with skits, water games, teaching times,  relay races and more!  This morning was BIG.  My eyes are still sensitive, yeah, you know.  The team performed a drama this morning.  Honestly, some of the dramas I've seen can be a little cheesy and you wonder how things are going to turn out.  This morning was special, very special.  The presence of God allowed these girls to spend some time grieving while there were safe people around to grieve and pray with them.  I really feel like trying to explain to you all that happened will only cheapen the actual experience, so I am going to refrain from going into too much detail.  I will say, I don't know if I've ever been in the presence of others where the walls are let down and there is serious crying, screaming and crying.  It was safe to do so.  It was accepted.  They were surrounded.  For some of the girls, it seemed as though it was a release, or at least part of the process of releasing.  Many of them feel they are to blame.  And of course there's that big looming, 'Why?'.  When there are no clear reasons, moving forward is difficult.  And forgiveness, it is a necessary step so that they may experience freedom, 'Yo soy libre!' .  Without forgiveness, they carry the ugliness along with them and it keeps them from really walking in freedom.  It's that way for all of us.

You won't relent until you have it all.  For there is love that is as strong as death, jealousy as demanding as the grave.  Many waters cannot quench this love.  You won't relent until You have it all.


Here's the beauty and here's what I believe, Jesus Christ came to take the weight of all that sin and pain and grief.  God promises beauty for ashes and we spent time praying and proclaiming this over these beautiful lives.  He won't relent until He has it all.  Today, we acknowledge this: He was crucified that we may have life and life to the full.  I believe that for these girls.  I believe that for my life.  I believe that for every life hidden in Christ.

Praying you have an Easter weekend that is meaningful to the gift of life that is offered to you, freely.

God, SOS

This is where I falter.  This is where my nerves start going crazy and my insides are constantly on edge.  This is when I need help.  It's when I hit exhaustion because sleep does not come easy.  It's when my heart's walls have been penetrated and moved and I feel as if I'm being pulled in multiple directions.  It's when I get short-sighted and do not focus on the long term hopes and dreams.  It's when I begin to make other plans, when I reconcile failed plans with the ultimate Planner, come to peace, start dreaming about other possibilities and then am suddenly jerked into another reality.  A good reality.  A reality I've hoped for.  When a dream seems too good to be true and then it comes to pass.  When the hopes of coming back here later this year for a few more weeks or another month are suddenly put out because a new reality holds the trump card.  My heart aches tonight, a lot. It's a good ache, sure.  It still aches.

Father help me.  Overcome the limits I place on Your GOOD and FULL OF LIFE plans for my life.

Forget what I said,

OHSU called today and I'm in. I'M. IN. Yes, they had an available slot and yours truly has accepted the offer!  I am in shock…jumping up and down screaming with Lauren in shock.  :)

Laugh with me!

This morning, Maricruz, Lauren and I went to Club Co. (Guatemala's Costco) to buy some bulk food for the team this afternoon.  When teams are here, they head up the mountain with 8-10 of the older girls and take beans, rice, oil, and sugar to families that POP has formed a relationship with.  On our way to buy the food, Maricruz started telling us about her IGA English classes.  She studied English last year and has started again every Saturday for 6 hours a day.  She was explaining about her class and said that there were a lot of "old people" in her class, "like 30 or 31."  I started laughing and she realized INSTANTLY she has just dug herself into a hole and was sitting next to an old person!  We all got a good belly laugh out of that one and I told her it was ok if she called me old, it's a compliment.  I'm still laughing.  I needed a good laugh.  Thanks Mari!

4.5

I keep saying and thinking I have 6 weeks remaining of the four months I planned to be here.  Six weeks is good, easy, still feels like plenty of time.  I just met reality.  I have 32 days left.  THIRTY-TWO!  Four-and-a half weeks.  When Annie was here visiting, we spent some time processing the internal and external factors carving out my time and talking about how to really do well at investing in these remaining days.  I know this time will be fast and I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't a little bit homesick for family and friends.  So, pray for me-that my head and heart would remain in the present.

Tuesday was a great day, a birthday I will remember well.  Thanks for all the love.  I was oblivious to the planning going on around me last Sunday/Monday/Tuesday.  The independent living girls threw me a surprise party and a few fireworks went off!  To top that off, even more fireworks exploded when the cake came out!  And guess, what.  Maricruz, Lauren, Marjorie, and Estephany made me tres leches!  That was my one selfish birthday request (from a previous post).  Not only did I party with these fine ladies, my mom threw me a party on skype- cousins and kiddos, brother, Mom and Dad, Aunt Lor and Uncle JB.  Finally, the little ones don't get shy and quiet when they see my face on the computer screen talking at them.  I got kisses and lots of faces pressed against the screen.  I'm sure that computer needed some love and attention after the party.  The kids even helped blow out the candles after I made a wish (yep, she made me a cake-thx mom).

This Saturday is the kick off for Camp Sonshine, a team of 18 folks from the states will be here to basically put on a week long camp.  The girls look forward to this and are more than excited to be out of school all week for Semana Santa, Holy Week.  I'm expecting a full, crazy, fun week and will be back to share some pictures soon.

P.S.
I know I keep talking about her and by now you know I'm a little bit astounded by her transformation.  Should I be?  Isn't transformation what takes place in an environment of love, care, provision, gospel?  I am shaken by her process…it is a VERY clear picture for me of the life and transformation and freedom I have received in Christ.  Maria.  You are teaching me.  This is from 'Splash Day' and it makes me smile.