Journey Forth

Tonight, you are therapy.

2012-01-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

**I'm posting this without a lot of proofreading and censoring. Normally, I'd go back and rewrite my thoughts to make it more clear and fluid. I've reread it, it feels choppy. It is raw. It will stay raw.

I had a good day today. It's been snowing here in Portland, but I made it to "the hill" fine and was so thankful for the opportunities set before me today. I spent most of my day in the Pediatric PACU (post anesthesia care unit-the Operating Room) and the Pediatric ED. Let me first just fill you in on the ED, I saw a few discharges and one admission. Not a whole lot goin' on today, maybe the snow kept people away, but the PACU was altogether a different kind of day. I started with patient admission (observing), followed the patient into surgery, yes I watched a "direct vagus nerve stimulation" procedure, and then followed the patient to recovery.

My patient:
27 months old, male, born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice and a knot in the actual cord that caused a lack of oxygen which led to cerebral palsy.

So, I was fine today. My heart is a little more sensitive tonight. The surgery was incredible, watching the surgeons, the nurses, the anesthesiologists, the actual procedure, sterile technique. You could see a square of about 5 inches x 5 inches of his body, but nothing else. So, when they pulled all the drapes off, I was a little helpless with the fact that this little babe was laying there on the table. It wasn't the kind of emotion that would push one away from the situation, my word!, this little pacemaker-like-device is supposed to decrease the number of seizures this little body experiences. It was the kind of emotion that stirs up compassion for our imperfect human bodies…maybe more. I can't yet nail that one.

I went from the OR to recovery with the little guy and then went to fetch his mother when he was awake so she could come back and see him. She comforted him, then the nurse asked her if she'd like to hold him and she did. So, as he was being observed-vitals, pain, breathing on his own and waiting for a room on another floor to open up, his mother sat there and rocked him.

Tonight, as I reflect on my time with her, I want to go back. I don't regret anything said, it felt special. She was fairly soft spoken, very nurturing, and we just began to chat. After all, I wasn't going anywhere, I was following this little guy in an exercise of observing the PACU. She asked me about nursing school, told me about her other two boys, and then she began to share some things that made me realize the difficult nature of caring for someone utterly dependent. He is developmentally delayed and will not walk. I'm learning, cerebral palsy comes in different forms/varying degrees. His was advanced, including the seizures and this new little device to help since medications were not working. AND then, Mom began to share his story with me-all about her pregnancies with each boy and how she didn't know anything was wrong. She recalled the day with me and came to a point where she began to break down, "I always cry when I get to this part." Then, after a minute or so, she told me how the doctors had returned with the news that her 3rd child was affected by the knot in the umbilical cord. As she cried and glanced up at me trying to read my reaction, I didn't budge, I just kept my gaze directly on her. I have learned the significance and weight of eye contact. I was standing across the bed as she spoke. Sometimes I'm unclear as to what kind of physical contact is ok with patients and families. I know it's good and I believe in it, but as a nursing student, I have not yet found my jive there. So, I hugged her with my gaze. I know how crazy that sounds, but I almost felt her appreciation-at least I sensed it.

Why do I want to go back? For more. This woman shared about a nursing friend doing medical missions in Mexico and how this friend was once a girl from the youth group she helped with. Well, I said, I've done some of that too! I'm nearly positive she was a believer. What would I say to her different? I prayed for your boy in there. I prayed while they were setting out all the sterile instruments and when they peeled back the blue sterile drapes that covered his tiny body. I wanted to stay and offer her more kindness, a pat on the back for her commitment to motherhood at it's most demanding.

I doubt I'll ever see her again. If I do, I think I will hug her and tell her I admire the way she looks at her boy and loves him so well, despite how exhausting and demanding the care. I think this woman understood the worth of a soul.

I had a friend in college share about a book she'd read about autism. There's one thing she said that has stayed with me over the last 14ish years. I don't know the book, sorry, but it was something about how children (people) with developmental disabilities will be even more glorious when they are made new in heaven. That God has a special place for these kids of His and that, when we are all made whole, they will no longer be inhibited to express all the beauty that makes them who they are. I thought about that today. I thought about that little guy, unhindered by his physical and mental constraints.

I'm grateful for today, for my time with this little guy and his mom.

Learn from me...

2012-01-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

Nothing wonderfully insightful here. Just plain and simple. A verse that is often referred to.

Sometimes the familiar is overlooked, passed over quickly.

This is how it goes when I read words I've read before.

I quickly read past.

Nothing wonderfully insightful.

A simple reminder.

HE says, "learn from me…". I like that.

The NLT is, "Let me teach you…".

Rest does not always come with sitting still.

My body may be busy, even my mind, but I will look for my soul to rest when I go to Him.

"Come to me…and you will find rest."

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

2012-01-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

This brought peace and rest.

I am so often caught in between death by paralysis or death by over exertion.

This is the solution. I know it, I have known it. I will practice it.

This year, this blog, His Word.

I'm hopeful this place will be my go to when I want to stash away a

lil' somethin' that's sweeter than HONEY.

Running Analogies

2012-01-02T13:14:00.000-08:00

I was never much of a runner in high school. It seems running has gained popularity in recent years or maybe it's that I've come around to this pastime and given it more attention over the last several years. In giving it more of my attention, I'm now aware of running gear and magazines and the latest technology be it shoes or GPS systems to track distance and time. Nevertheless, it was "not my thang" until I went off to college. In high school, it was volleyball-basketball-track, repeat. Year after year. And track, well, I didn't participate willingly, but was HIGHLY encouraged (or rather it was decided for me) by my father who very firmly believed in "off season" training. In his wisdom, he knew we (the girls I played with) wouldn't perform well in volleyball and basketball if we sat out track season and laid around all summer long. So, I did learn to run in track, but it was a bit unwillingly.

I'm back in Powers for the holidays and have been working the old stomping grounds, pushing it up that hill more than usual. This morning, I had several flashback to those track workouts and in so had a little insight into life. Those track workouts were unpleasant, mostly because our coach made us run hills with 5 pound leg weights. You might not think that's much, but the hill I'm referring to is no small feat. '"Run 5 hills and then you're done," coach trumped as he handed me two bright blue sand-filled bags with black velcro straps to wrap around my ankles.' UGH!

This morning, starting out 2012 with a healthy dose of resolve, I went and ran hills (albeit minus the extra weight). No, it was not pleasant. No, I did not run 5. I ran 2.5, walked the remaining, and was satisfied that I could still run that hill. I tackled it PARTLY because I took up running as a pastime after high school to try and stay in shape, which means I've learned to enjoy running. I tackled it MOSTLY by sheer will of my mind and body. The Nike slogan, "Just do it," might suffice to describe my sentiments toward this feat.

Here is my profound point amidst the throw back to nearly (gulp!) 20 years, I know how I get through pain. I did it this morning when I ran those hills and I don't think I'm alone or special in the use of this particular strategy. I wore a hat this morning because it was raining. The hat became an imperative piece of clothing in undergirding this strategy. I put my head down and just ran. I could see out of the sides of my view and I have the cracks of the hill and Cruiser footprints imbedded in my memory so I knew where I was and how much further I had to go, but for the life of me, the thought of looking up and seeing the corner and then the top of the water tower was too crushing a sight and even thought to make myself look up from under my cap. So, like I said, I put my head down and ran.

I do this when things seem tough. I do this when I think things are going to be tough. It's a coping mechanism that has worked and pushed me to get through. I focus on the little tasks, the cracks in the road, the small imminent details of school, work, family, friends…focus on the little things and the big things either disappear, in some cases, or are dissolved by finishing the small things. On one hand, I think this is a mighty great strategy in accomplishing goals, but it's only useful if you've stopped long enough to set the big goals and work toward them. On the other hand, it's a lousy plan if you lose sight of your surroundings (family, friends, life etc.) because you've focused on the details and grit to get through.

Oh my, I do not claim in this to have an answer to the juxtaposition I present. I'm merely presenting it as my own insight and possibly as a challenge to the way I move through life. It reminds me of a saying I think is common in our culture, "Your greatest strength may also be your greatest weakness."

So, in this new year, 2012, I am going to continue to put my head down and work hard, but I am also going to work on the balance of looking up more often to see the water tower ahead, to check myself in the going and not bury my head 'til it's over…because it's really never over.

Rote and Rhythm

2011-12-23T10:31:00.000-08:00

Rote-mechanical
Rhythm-repeated pattern of movement; harmony

Nursing encompasses both. Nurses are educated to be attuned to the whole person, not just the unique presenting health problem…seeing the WHOLE person, not the disease. The human response to a health problem may be much more FLUID AND VARIABLE and may have great affect on the individual's ability to overcome the initial medical problem. (From some other source which I know don't recall.)

Nurses build on their understanding of the disease and illness process (ROTE) to promote the restoration and maintenance of health in their clients (RHYTHM).
--What is Nursing? ANA

I didn't make that italicized stuff up, that's the American Nurses Association speaking, but it's part of my m.o. these days. To this point, it's been a lot of ROTE and man-o-man I'm looking forward to the RHYTHM. The past 6 months have been memorization of drugs, learning and practicing new skills (Next quarter, our first week back we practice IVs-YIPEE!), watching and participating on the unit, but mostly memorization. UGH. It's been difficult, just to sit and stare at drug names, how they are metabolized, what the liver or kidneys do or don't do to them…difficult to go over flashcards repeatedly trying to make new pathways in the brain. But, I know it's worth it. Just last night my dad threw a pack of azitromicina (azithromycin) at me and asked, "How much can I take?" The directions were in Spanish so I was able to use both newly acquired language and medicine skills. We've also studied a large collection of pathophysiological from the brain and central nervous system, to the heart, to the kidneys and beyond. I enjoy knowing and acquiring information and I can already see how this is going to be useful in the future. I continue to be astonished and as if I wasn't convinced before, THE HUMAN BODY IS AMAZING.

So, this is it, rote and rhythm. I believe strongly in the rote, it's the foundation to my practice, but the rhythm, well, that's where my heart gets to excel. Lord, haste the day!

Listening

2011-12-05T14:10:00.001-08:00

Sitting here, yes sitting here, studying. I'm so tired of studying. And now I'm done complaining! I'm sitting here looking over liver-hepatitis-cirrhosis-hepatocyte dysfunction-portal hypertension- gynecomastia (aahheemm-keep drinking alcohol, men, and your breasts are going to grow cause your estrogen levels are gonna go up-up-up! Soon, you'll be calling Seinfeld asking for the "Bro" George's dad and Kramer invented…ok enough).

Wow, so I really pulled up the blog to post this beautiful song that was flowing through my ear buds while sitting here studying and listening to Pandora. Bethany Dillon-Hallelujah Listen for the chorus, so good. Let it soar! Countdown has started here…

Sunday Ramble

2011-11-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

Let's see if I can hold the thoughts in place that I've had this morning. It's like rapid fire and I want to get it all out.

I woke this morning without an alarm playing in the background arousing me from beautiful, restful sleep. I cherish sleep, always have, but more so these days because it is my escape from the hustle and frantic movements of school and the pile of books, notes, and quizzes that loom. As I stirred I thought, "Oh it's early enough. I have time to go on a run, read my Bible, and get off to church!" I laid there and prayed and it became clear that I should just stay put. On this morning, I don't need to strike the beat and hustle on. I needed to lay there and pray. I asked and dumped and remembered. And in my remembering I was taken back to a special place on the property at Prince of Peace. The room I stayed in had a back door that opened up to the surrounding neighborhood. Because the home in on a mountain, the view is out across the rooftops of all these surrounding homes and lean tos. It's not that the view is unbelievably stunning, it's that this back deck was a place between heaven and earth for me. I read there most mornings with an awareness of God's very presence drawing me into deeper intimacy, greater hope, and unhindered possibilities. And then I came back to the US and (it seems since that day) I've often lacked that beautiful space, peace, pace of dwelling in His glory. It is a shame. It breaks my heart. It is why I sometimes feel like someone is scratching their nails across a chalkboard…I can stand it, but it is not pleasant. That's not to say there have not been some spectacular moments of light, love, hope, peace etc. It just seems I can't get the pace right for my personality. Now, throw my personality plus school into the mix and well, I long for peace and calm. My coping mechanism is to take a deep breath, jump in, and try to get through with only a few moments of coming up for air. It's working, but I'm tired. I swam a lot growing up, a lot. I loved going to the river. I love water, being in it and more often these days, being on it. In a boat, walking over a bridge, standing at its shore. Back in the day, when we played, we often had races or ended up dunking each other…man, you had to be ready to take a deep breath and go under! Sometimes you only got a moment to come up for a breath and you were under again. At the end of these episodes, I had to go to the shallow and catch my breath. This has also become my M.O. and how I'm moving through school, but I'm realizing 10 weeks plus finals week is a bit too long to wait for a breather. And I don't want to go through school with my head down just wishing the year away and gritting my teeth to get through. I feel like I've said this before. I have. I don't know if I've said it on here (I'm sure I have), in conversation or in my journal, but I've said it before. I've lost the trust and dependence in believing that God brought me to this and will be the provision I need to get through. What I need? To trust that He has used my desires and insecurities and needs to draw me to seeking a path into nursing AND to trust that He has a plan in this year and after. To understand that I'm not just in school for the degree so that I can go out after and use these skills, but to understand that this year is just as important to be FULL and aware of how He'd like to move.

I think this morning, laying in bed a lot longer than usual, was His way of slowing me down and getting to my heart. I long to rest in Him. I want Him to be my brain, to remember drugs and pathophysiological processes for me, to take the tests for me, to do the research and write to papers for me, and to exercise for me. :) I'm tired. I need rest. I have to keep moving on. So, He must. And He will. I'm counting on it and needing to put to rest old ways of operating and move into lighter ways. He says His yoke is easy, His burden is light. Somehow, I've warped that and need Him to work in me.

This is a good day. A good morning. A great way to end the weekend and put school in it's right place. Oh I want to be a great nurse, but I believe the pieces that will shine through to patients (the true Light Himself) must be continually fostered and formed in me right along with learning about CVA, schizophrenia, and isoniazid.

Father, You are great. You are good. You are strong. You are omniscient. You are for me.

Aching bum.

2011-10-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

I know I should not complain, I don't want to whine, but I have one problem with school-I sit too much! I've been sitting in the same spot today for the last nine hours working on a research project and the bummer is, I've spent way too much time for what this project is really worth. Sometimes these theory classes feel petty. I received advice at the very beginning of this program from a gal who was about to graduate from the same. Her advice, "Trust the system." I thought she meant something like, "Don't worry, it will seem fast, but you'll have the beginnings of what you need." Now I'm wondering if she means, "Trust that what you don't think you need to know (blah blah theory) will actually be beneficial to you over all." Right. Ok. So, my bum still hurts.

Anyway-McBride

2011-10-11T19:12:00.000-07:00

Because this is the mood I'm in these days, country in my ears!

I'm here. Same blog, only updated!

2011-10-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

I used to post on the ol' blog more regularly. As it turns out, it's a great place to share thoughts, life happenings, inspirations, and to archive this trip from here to there. I've been partially paralyzed with this little part of my life, posting blogs, after putting closure on the first blog (Journey Forth) and attempting to start fresh with a new one. I could have just continued, but was in need of a change, perhaps some distance, as I began what felt and feels like a significant life shift, nursing school.

Still, it's me. The same life. Merely a continuation with innumerable threads closing the divide between old and new. So, after attempts with a new blog, I've returned to the same one, simply giving it a new look. It's nice to keep continuity. I struggled after returning from Guatemala and jumping into school. In short, it caused a "before and after" affect in my life. Many daily activities and routines changed with a heart touched and a new nursing student schedule. I functioned outwardly, but didn't know what to do with the "feelings." I still don't. Life feels a bit ragged at points. I talk, but it feels lonely. In those ways, it's still hard and I tend to turn inward thinking that will make this year, a life consumed with books and study, pass rapidly. And that somehow emotions and other things will just fall away or into place. So, school has come in good timing if I'm going to turn inward…STUDY! The reality is, I don't want this year to pass quickly, I just don't want the pain associated with these changes. And, I think, I feel like the more involved/consumed I am here, the more I forget about my Guatemala loves. I don't want to forget. Oh, I'm still functioning quite well and enjoying life. But, I still think I'm ready to leave PDX after school. We shall see. I trust.

I've often wanted to share things on here (of course really more for myself as a place to speak and feel heard-even if no one is listening), but life has been occupied by both good things and stupid things. The stupid being the mindless activities, the time-wasters that are still often necessary to give my head a study break. One of those "time-wasters" is facebook. It's used for both pleasure and school, but I have this recurring sense that it is on its way out of my life. It's become very impersonal, a facade of relational connectedness, and well I'm looking for some better ways to spend my "time-waster" time. Other things that fall into this category would be things that give me a quick release from studying drugs and pathophysiological processes, like "The Office" or getting on here to write and release the reverberating clanging that goes on between my ears. I've heard of and had conversations with others who share the same thoughts about facebook. Nevertheless, it is a tool for communication.

So, what will become of this "face-lifted" Journey Forth? We shall see. I just know I miss having this outlet, it feels personal and I feel free to share here and not expect any response. I'm back. The blog appears a bit different and has a new tag line, "this long passing." Inspiration for this, this being "this long passing," came from the line of a song that impressed me. Have a listen, "Jesus draw me ever nearer." Inspiration also came from a question one of the nursing faculty posed last quarter during an optional lecture on self-care. The question, "It's just one year, what does one year mean to you?" Initially, I responded by jumping in deep and holding my breath. I have since realized that I actually have to come up to breath during this 15 month program. I'm finding small ways to do that, like taking a walk on a Saturday in October because the sun is out and will most likely be making fewer and fewer appearances. I welcome the gray and the rain. Seasons are good for me, each season bringing renewed perseverance and I need it!

Costa Rica, Sunrise, March 2006

End note: I transferred posts from the attempted new blog to this blog. They are below.

Another end note: This photo really has nothing to do with this particular post. I shared it as part of a school assignment on hope (sharing true/false hope with our patients). The sunrise does something in my heart I can't capture with words. It's promising, and hope rises in that promise. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him. -Romans 15:13a

M & E

2011-10-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

Maria Y Estephania

Yep, that's right Maria and me. My name is Estefania when I'm at Prince of Peace and if you look closely you'll see our friendship bracelets, hers with the "M", mine with the "E". You can read a bit more about Maria's story here. I've talked about her before, maybe you'll recall, but had no idea she would continue to drastically transform as she has. She is proving herself a pre-teen! I was greeted by her and a few other chicas in Casa B with a trumpeting, "EEEEEESSSSSSTTTTTEEEEPPPHHHHAAANNNIIIAAA!!!!" Followed by a WHOLE LOT of screaming and giggling. It's beautiful. It's hard to remember how quiet and hollow she first seemed. Her Spanish is amazing! I asked her this time (and she is not at all shy to speak!), "Your Spanish is great, Maria! Did you know Spanish before you arrived?" She smiled, a bit shyly and nods, yes. I winked and gave her a squeeze. I was under the impression she only spoke her native dialect based on a few conversations with staff and because she just didn't talk in the beginning and then only a tiny bit when she did speak. I know kids pick up language quickly, but she is rattling off like it's nothing new…and apparently it is not!! ...though maybe not the language she used in her home environment.

On with the story!

When I arrived to Casa B, the girls sat me down on the porch and proceeded to ask questions and play games. Maria sat right next to me and would not let go of my hand. Eventually she got up, told me to wait, and then ran off into the house. She came back with the above bracelet with an "E" which she'd made for me. WOW! Sweetest gift, it's currently on my wrist. The back story is her bracelet. Many of the girls have those bracelets with their initials in them. When I was in Antigua with a team back in April, I saw those bracelets and thought of Maria. She didn't wear any and I thought it would be a sweet little surprise and act of love to try and break through to this (previously) shy girl. When I showed up this time, she had it on and she had one for me!

This picture is from the night we ran for freedom. I was running along with the girls, busy snapping as many pictures as I could (this was A MOMENT TO REMEMBER!) and suddenly felt a hand grab a hold of mine. I looked down and there she was with Daniela, both faces covered with huge smiles. The three of us ran along holding hands for quite some time and, being sentimental at moments in my life, I realized I wanted a picture of this. I want to remember the transformation I've watched in Maria's life. I want to remember that it's small things like bracelets that make the best gifts. I want to remember these girls are FULL of love and at the same time, they need to be shown love. And I want to remember that it is often in the times we have no great or amazing intention, that our intention makes a lasting impact.

We Ran for Freedom

2011-10-09T00:12:00.001-07:00

I have black lines on my body from the blend of smog and sweat, we ran for freedom. Whistles blasted ‘til my left ear rang even louder, we ran for freedom. Girls chanted and sang and shouted at the cars and buses as they passed by, we ran for freedom. My lungs burned with the fumes of diesel exhaust as those buses blew plumes of black dust in our faces, we ran for freedom. Sandwiched between the Taurus and the bus, we ran for freedom. Old men passed by in their shiny cars and bellowed out the window, “Vive Guatemala!” throwing fists in the air, we ran for freedom. Smiles donned by passersby spoke volumes and increased the volume of chanting, we ran for freedom. Pride hung in the air as thick as that plume of exhaust, we ran for freedom. Cars honked –ta-ta-te-te-ta- enough times to cause me to wonder if this is possibly a part of Guate’s national anthem, we ran for freedom. Fireworks burst in the air as we crossed into Principe de Paz (It does not need to be independence day for fireworks, that is merely coincidence.), we ran for freedom.

It’s called the “freedom run” (from what I understand) and it’s tradition here in Guatemala the day before they celebrate their independence. Tomorrow, 15 de septiembre, marks the 190th year for Guatemala and tonight, as we ran through the big, loud cuidad de Guatemala, you would-a-thunk it happened just 10 years ago. These girls ran over 8km! (This is a correction-I was just informed it was 10 miles!) They are exhausted, SWEATY, hungry, and wearing enormous smiles.

The staff was AWESOME tonight as they ran alongside the girls, many girls taking turns carrying two torches on the way back home. Tomorrow, some of their families will arrive to the home and celebrate while the girls perform traditional songs and dances. It is a festive week here in Guate, unexpectedly festive, and I feel immense privilege at the opportunity to accompany these girls, staff, and Guatemalans as they celebrate their country’s freedom.

sidestroke.

2011-10-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

I was a lifeguard for a period of time in college. It's not as glamorous as you might initially think. I distinctly remember needing to clear the pool on more than one occasion (during peak times) because we found feces either floating or at the bottom of the pool…who's eating their fiber!?! Along with the territory of lifeguarding came swimming lessons and thus teaching various strokes. The sidestroke is one I especially like(d) and I personally think takes coordination and comfort; coordination to get the scissor kick and arm stroke just right in order to glide quickly and smoothly through the water and comfort because you can't hold your head above water to work efficiently. You must be comfortable relaxing in such a way that your mouth and eye are just barely above water. I'm not an expert so don't go calling your swim instructor, but that's what I learned and what I remember. The sidestroke was also a stroke I often used when I was exhausted and needed rest, but still needed to keep moving and stay afloat (the back stroke also was a good back-up plan). I think there are going to be times in this next quarter when I am definitely going to need to bring in a little swim wisdom, my sidestroke. I went into the hospital today and though we have not yet been assigned any patients, I KNOW it is going to be exhausting-learning on top of feeling inadequate and a definite novice, thinking and being on my toes consistently, being uber aware, growing (we all know growing can be somewhat painful)…I've decided there will be plenty of opportunity to implement the sidestroke. Coordination and comfort when it gets tiring, mind boggling, and I need to keep moving forward, but need some rest along the way. There have already been life and scheduling changes I knew would happen, but that have "felt" different than I expected.

It's early, but tonight I'm going to practice the sidestroke and I'm calling it a night. Sweet dreams swimmers.

This picture is worth a thousand words.

2011-10-09T00:04:00.000-07:00

Guate-February 2011

It hangs on my wall in a collage of photos from Guatemala. When I see it, I'm struck. Something kicks in and I think, "I know what I'm supposed to do." God thanks for opening doors to OHSU.

cling!

2011-10-08T23:59:00.001-07:00

A drip of goodness in a hot cup of coffee, a sweet rush of wind on a laborious run, the smell of summer in freshly cut grass, a wave from a fellow runner on an early morning run, a real hug from another-there are certain things I find quite refreshing. Those certain things I like to wrap my thoughts around and walk a ways with them. When this happens, I actually think I'm asking myself (though formally it is never phrased into a question), "Why is your soul stirred?" Often, it causes a hope to rise. The glimmer of hope this morning is straight from His word.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." -Romans 15:13

Overflowing with hope, what might that look like in the business of living when life often feels chaotic and some things go unfinished? Hope, hope, hope. The God of hope is good to fill me with hope…I cling to this Hope.

Bursting

2011-10-08T23:55:00.003-07:00

Of course today/tonight would be the time I'm-literally-bursting-at-the-seams! Yes, of course it would be tonight because tomorrow is our first midterm in this accelerated program, Clinical Pharmacology. Here's a free tip, black licorice will counter-act your prescription for hypertension. Eat in moderation.

This week we are learning about Motivational Interviewing and how to use therapeutic language to help our clients move toward behavior change, quitting smoking, for example. All that is actually not the point. (This is going to be long and I feel rushed trying to spit it out onto this cyber page. That is actually my point. I feel rushed.) During the time with my partner, I discovered I'm still a broken mess over Guatemala. The whole thing came out of hiding. We didn't have to share anything real, it was more a practice of asking open-ended questions, gathering information, guiding, etc., but there it was and I spilled it all over. What a wonder, the gal I was working with just recently spent time serving children with AIDS and TB in Africa. Sure, much of my brokenness has to do with those girls and missing them, but some of it has to do with what God was doing in my life there and not wanting to cut that short-by way of leaving out sacred space for Him to move and speak and change me. I actually feel like this year is not only learning about nursing, it's a continuation of freeing myself from the chains that hinder a fully free life in Christ. I feel a great sense of duty to do well in school, the change I feel and see happening is that I feel an even greater sense of desire to walk lightly in this world, providing a fresh cup of water rather than a glass with a few drops of water clinging to the side. That second glass has more to do with me worried about myself making it through this or that, getting this project done, getting an A etc! I've actually been telling myself, this is not about getting all A's. That is just so empty. I hope for a C, ok would rather a B, and if an A came along I won't refuse it, but I will not spend countless hours studying ALL THE TIME for an A. I WILL SPEND COUNTLESS HOURS STUDYING so that I might touch a life with kindness, and a cup of fresh water.

Much of life for me seems to be either lived in what I call "frantic" mode or "chilled out." Some of you have no idea what my frantic mode looks like, some of you are well aware of it because you've seen the inside Steph. I don't know if I hide it well from others or if I just kid myself and think I'm being discrete. Regardless of who sees it, that is less and less of what matters. What I'm realizing is that I often tell myself, "Once this or this is done, THEN I can relax/slowdown/let myself fall" etc. I spent some chilled out time in Guatemala and I am now FED UP with living a life that feels FRANTIC…sorta like your insides are being squeezed and every bit of peace vacates the premise for a brief period of time. The difficulty is that I very rapidly shift from frantic to chilled out. I mean it's a matter of seconds and I can tail spin into a flurry of madness and task master. It takes me a conscious thought and a little effort (a lot less than it used to) to move toward chillin'. My thought has always been, just let me finish this and then I can be fully present. I don't want to discount that last sentence, it is often true. The problem is, it does not always need to be true. And I am slowly learning, through aching errors, that I need to let go a little bit more. This freaks me out! I just started this intense nursing program and I'm thinking about implementing a little more carelessness into my life. What??? Yeah, I'm in. I jumped through the hoops to get into school and I'm done. I really am. I TRUST FULLY that my God opened this door for me and that HIS plans for what happen after these next 15, no wait one month already done, these next 14 months are more about serving selflessly, letting my life be moved away.

I'm going to say this and I'm sure you won't be surprised, but I feel like my time in Portland is short, for a few reasons. One, OHSU is an awesome nursing program and Portland is not lacking in many great programs. Bottom line, the nursing market does not look good in Portland. So, maybe I'll stay here if opportunity comes with my clinical rotations, but I'm not holding my breath. Two, eventually, you'll see me leave the country for periods of time. I don't have any more of the details or I'd be willing to share. I just know it and actually believe it is PRECISELY why I'm in school. Where? What? How? I'm waiting. It might be 10 years, but eventually I see a beautiful marriage between the Spanish language and nursing skills

Enough for now-still, I want to be still. And I should be a bit studious the night before an exam. :)

Finale

2011-05-19T12:16:00.000-07:00

This is an awkward place to sit, hanging in the balance of not there and not quite here. That's how it feels being back in Portland getting ready for school. I've had a few needles in my arms the last few weeks, have been on the computer completing all the prerequisite training modules…HIPPA (oh so interesting), emergency codes and training etc. In between all this fun activity, I feel a bit lost in the waiting. I keep thinking about writing and wanting to share stories about POP, but being here and writing about there feels strange. Honestly, I don't know what to share. I'm aware of having left out many details and gaps in the stories I did share. I intended to write about the POP staff, a more detailed version of the activities at the clinic, what it looks like when a team shows up for a week, more about the girls and some fun activities, a visit on Easter Sunday from US Senator Mary Landrieu, but I'm lacking. Maybe this blog has been nagging and calling more because of my own, practical desire to archive those events and not necessarily for you who read. So, I'm extending myself grace to call this finished though in many ways it is still incomplete. (Ah, that sounds like a life lesson!) As I thought about what I'd fill in in these last few posts (which have been condensed into this ONE), I got sad and started to reconsider my initial conviction of putting the ol' blog on the shelf. And then I quickly resigned that feeling sad is by no means a reason to keep this open. Looking out the window, my first thought, "Today is a new day." I'm picturing stacks of notecards and books in my future, looking forward to and thankful for the opportunity to study at OHSU!!!!!!!, and eager to take full advantage of throwing myself into this learning process.

So, it seems fitting to sign off in a place that is out of the ordinary. Ok, I'm sentimental and I want to remember this! I'm sitting in a huge bay window on the second story of a beautiful home of a friend. A bit of a retreat, yes. Why? Because the opportunity presented itself and a few days at the sea resonated within. I'm in Depoe Bay, staring at the waves crashing against the rock cliff just below my window. An appropriate place to wrap things up! Acutely aware of His closeness. "He is more intimate with us than we are with ourselves." -Augustine I'm especially thankful for this insight, in it I find peace and grace. Journey Forth- I'm thankful for this place to have shared about life, it's been cathartic and encouraging.

Lastly, I'm still currently head over heals for a new favorite author, Brennan Manning, and just about to finish another of his books, Lion and the Lamb. Here is where my mind was trapped today…Manning writes:

The story goes that Thomas Aquinas, perhaps the world's greatest theologian, toward the end of his life suddenly stopped writing. When his secretary complained that his work was unfinished, Thomas replied: "Brother Reginald, when I was at prayer a few months ago, I experienced something of the reality of Jesus Christ. That day, I lost all appetite for writing. In fact, all I have ever written about Christ seems now to me to be like straw."

Father, grace us with the reality of Your presence, that all else might pale in comparison.

Donuts-Flowers-Helser's

2011-05-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

Voodoo donuts-I vacillated between the choc.ricecrispies.pb
and the maple glazed with bacon…all at 1 in the morning!

I'm here. Upon arrival, they surprised me at the airport and I was completely dumbfounded. Gretchen, home from Cambodia for 2 months, ran up behind me and gave me a big hug. I looked at her like I'd never seen her before. I was so consumed in my thoughts. Add to that the fact that I was not expecting a welcome committee, was sleep deprived and I haven't seen G in over a year. I gave her the stink eye until I realized what was going on and Annie ran up on the other side of me! Well, forget about sleep after that. We made our way to Voodoo donuts and finally got home at 1:15AM. I decided to start unpacking and ended up staying up all night! My cat-nap was then interrupted by my lovely mom holding flowers.

Mom, so thoughtful. Thank you, it was great to spend the day with you!

It's a place you expect to wait and the wait is worth it. Coffee makes it possible.

Yesterday, G, A and I went to Helser's on Alberta and I think my welcome back is now complete post breakfast outing. We had an eventful morning speaking English, Spanish, and Khmer. Gretchen spent some intense time learning Khmer and is so very impressive when she speaks.

Folks, thanks for following along. I have a few more posts I want to share (actually several, but we'll see how that goes) and then I'm going to be closing down Journey Forth. It's something I've been thinking/praying/processing through. I love coming here to dump my thoughts. It's made me a more transparent and vulnerable person, especially in regards to really speaking what the Lord stirs in my soul. I feel like I can say what I really feel here, the depths of those often unshared thoughts AND the shallowness of everyday life!;) Blogging here has been great, if you want to know what I'm thinking, here you go, but I've not vied for your attention and I'm not flustered by watching you look over my shoulder waiting for a good opportunity to make your escape from the conversation. ;) Here, you're invited and welcomed to stay if your curiosity is piqued. Your just as free to pass on through…and for that I feel I can share freely and without (too much) reservation.

Anyway, a few more posts and then this site will go into the archives. This was started as a way to keep you up-to-date while I spent time in Costa Rica, over 5 years ago, and was continued because I moved across the country. There has been much movement to life these years, but as is often the case, it feels appropriate to close this chapter. It has served it's purpose and I don't want to delay or hold on when it is actually time to move on. This place helped me through the angst of these years, wondering where life is leading. Starting nursing school feels like an end to the "meandering" that this blog represents. It feels good and necessary to tuck Journey Forth away on the shelf and maybe time for a fresh start. I think I will write, just not here. I'll share that link if it happens, maybe all the wonders of nursing school.

So, expect a few more posts…I just HAVE to share a couple more things about those lady POPsters.

Love 'em, missin' 'em.

Gonna miss...

2011-05-04T08:24:00.000-07:00

this.

May I add...

2011-05-02T22:07:00.000-07:00

The goodness of play, sweet smiles, candy wrappers strewn about, florescent lighting, knocks on the door after dinner seeking help with homework or an ear to listen, screams of joy from the kids at the pool on the other side of the fence, eating at a table for 22, hearing my name scrambled into a Spanish equivalent and trumpeted from the balconies of the houses above, hugs, constant cascades of love, sitting on the swing, counting as they jump rope, the amusement of watching imaginative minds create ways to spend time, driving in constant exhaust, reading/listening/musing/talking with God on the back porch, panoramic views of this giant city, riding in a school bus again, blowing and catching kisses-melt my heart, good coffee AND instant coffee, learning faces of those who turn up at the clinic, walking this hill morning after morning, greeting the staff bright and early, playing around the world, partying with piñatas-frequently, headaches from too many chicas screaming at one time, constant questions about movie nights, trying-trying to operate in another language to have a simple conversation, taking pictures of EVERYTHING…just a bit of what life has looked like and what I'm going to miss-minus the exhaust from the buses.

Wednesday is my flight. Yes, nearly two weeks early. Life continues to progress, unfold, transform. I have a lot to say, I think I'll say it another day. I love them and I am loved by them-that's good and that hurts.

Photo Update-I heart POP.

2011-04-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

Flowers for my 34th from Deisy and Maricruz!

Anay and Lucerito

Dafne with her candy after the Camp Sonshine Easter Egg Hunt!

Sarai reads to me, "Abba's Child" -B. Manning…how appropriate.

Flor, Joselin, Marsha and Mabel.

Velveth showing her Guate pride and prepping for the Camp Sonshine USA-Guate futobol (soccer) match.

Deisy showing Sarai her freshly painted face.

Get off the road, here come Sylvia, Yohana, and Ana.

Yohana, beautiful.

Beautiful Yoselin advertising for Pepsi! Go Guate!

Mayra aka-Hembra and me-aka Agorita.

Reyna, Alyssa, Evelyn and Marielos prepping for the game.

Eloisa, sus ojos! Que Bonita!

Alicia going all out!

Odilia, Carol, and Lupita.

Lisdenia loves her team!

Girl can jump!

Maria and Rosita at the luau.

A fantastic night to cap off a great week with Camp Sonshine!

Eugenia looking beautiful.

Suleyka making it to the finals in the limbo!

Dulce, que bonita!

Blanquita's toothless grin is about to disappear.

Getting a little love from this sweet chick!

Velveth looking like she's up to something, as usual!

Lisbeth and Marielos baking in Casa B.

Fernanda and I-laundry day!

xoxo Maria xoxo

Daniela.

Karen, Maria, and Daniela kind of doing laundry.

Love this-Rosita, Dulce, and Viviana

Yes, Guate has a Starbucks on the OTHER side of the city. We made it an evening outing.
Lauren, Ninoshka and Maricruz.

"Present Risenness"

2011-04-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

A new phrase I gathered from Brennan Manning, "present risenness." "The Jesus who walked the roads of Judea and Galilee is the One who stands beside us. The Christ of history is the Christ of faith."

Celebrating His risenness today, His presence with me in everything. He is alive. He is risen. Death is conquered.

***Meant to post the following earlier this week!***
Brennan Manning is quickly climbing my "favorite authors" list. I just finished his "Abba's Child" and I recommend it. I love his writing, probably more so because he is weathered. He doesn't speak from the vantage point of theory, but experience. He's been through the up and down. He's gone inside to search the depths and I appreciate that he writes from a rich, muddy, imperfect, humble, and balanced perspective. I imagine him with a husky voice, relaying life and reality-the here and now and in the life ahead. As he imparts wisdom and engages me in his stories, gut-wrenching realities and thoughtful prompts, I imagine him speaking at me. He pauses often to make me uncomfortable with silence so that I might dwell with the discomfort he often leads me to, with great purpose. And here is where I attempt to listen. To listen is difficult. It means putting to a halt the constant rattle I live with, a rattle I've come to recognize as both a help and a hindrance. You, too, might know exactly what I'm talking about. How often I (we) don't pause to truly listen. I'm working on that this month while I'm still away from the fast and furious pace of los estadounidenses (gringos-north americans-you get it).

A few highlights I'm choosing to share:

In light of this week leading up to Jesus Christ's death and resurrection...Pharisees invest heavily in extrinsic religious gestures, rituals, methods, and techniques, breeding allegedly holy people who are judgmental, mechanical, lifeless, and as intolerant of others as they are of themselves-violent people, the very opposite of holiness and love, "the type of spiritual people who, conscious of their spirituality, then proceed to crucify the Messiah." Jesus did not die at the hands of muggers, rapists, or thugs. He fell into the well-scrubbed hands of deeply religious people, society's most respected members.

…the heart of it is this: to make the Lord and his immense love for you constitutive of your personal worth. Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. God's love for you and his choice of you constitute your worth. Accept that, and let it become the most important thing in your life. …We discuss it. The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation…not kudos of appreciation from parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to the place…I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me "You are my son (daughter), my beloved one." …The ordinary self is the extraordinary self-the inconspicuous nobody who shivers in the cold of winter and sweats in the heat of summer, who wakes up unreconciled to the new day, who sits before a stack of pancakes, weaves through traffic, bangs around in the basement, shops in the supermarket, pulls weeds and rakes up the leaves, makes love and snowballs, flies kites and listens to the sound of rain on the roof. …While the imposter draws his identity from past achievements and the adulation of others, the true self claims identity in it's belovedness. We encounter God in the ordinariness of life: not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary, mystical experiences but in our simple PRESENCE IN LIFE.

Standing on a London street corner, GK Chesterton was approached by a newspaper reporter, "Sir, I understand that you recently became a Christian. May I ask you one question?" "Certainly," replied Chesterton. "If the risen Christ suddenly appeared at this very moment and stood behind you, what would you do?" Chesterton looked the reporter squarely in the eye and said, "He is." … The Jesus who walked the roads of Judea and Galilee is the One who stands beside us. The Christ of history is the Christ of faith."

Everything that is comes alive in the risen Christ-who as Chesterton reminded, is standing behind us. Everything-great, small, important, unimportant, distant, and near-has its place, its meaning, and its value. Through union with Him (as Augustine said, HE IS MORE INTIMATE WITH US THAN WE ARE WITH OURSELVES), nothing is wasted, nothing is missing. There is never a moment that does not carry eternal significance- no action that is sterile, no love that lacks fruition, and no prayer that is unheard. "We know that by turning everything to their good God cooperates with all those who love him.-Rom8:28 The apparent frustrations of circumstances, seen or unforeseen, of illness, of misunderstandings, even of our own sins, do not thwart the final fulfillment of our lives hidden with Christ in God. The awareness of present risenness effects the integration of intuition and will, emotion and reason. Less preoccupied with appearances, we are less inclined to change costumes to win approval with each shift of company and circumstance. We are not one person at home, another in the office; one person at church, another in traffic. We do not pass rudderless from one episode to another, idly seeking some distraction to pass the time, remaining stoic to each new emotion, enduring with a shrug of our shoulders when something irks or irritates. Now circumstances feed us, not we them; we use them, not they us. Gradually we become whole and mature persons whose faculties and energies are harmonized and integrated.

Enough, I know. Read the book if you're a doer, an achiever, a list maker, or just in need of a reminder of why He loves us. Not what you did, what you're doing, or what you plan to do. He just does. Next on the list, waiting on the table, is another Manning book!

Sometimes I start with one intent and end up writing something quite different!

2011-04-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, I just need to set the facts straight again! Apologies, the first ChipIn went dead as soon as April 12th came around. I didn't realize it stopped accepting donations once the date passed. So, that's why you see Giving to Guatemala #2! The money (by the way we're actually at 52.6%!!!!) will be lumped together and passed along to POP at the end of my time here. THANK YOU!

Speaking of the end of my time...I asked you to pray for my remaining time, that I'd be present HERE until the end and continue to invest in these ladies. Thanks for praying. Please keep praying. I'm afraid I may have to cut my time short so that I can go pee in a cup in Oregon! Seriously?!?! Yes, my drug test needs to come back (can take 10 weeks???) before classes begin and I don't know if they'll give me an extension on the date. Orientation is June 10, so soon! Frazzled, but praying and trusting. Yes, I can be ready physically, but emotionally and mentally-I'm not there yet.

This past week I've been staying in Casa A with the girls. We had a large team here -Camp Sonshine- for the week and needed extra sleeping space for one of the families. It has been a great week. The girls are out of school for Holy Week and they've been entertained with skits, water games, teaching times, relay races and more! This morning was BIG. My eyes are still sensitive, yeah, you know. The team performed a drama this morning. Honestly, some of the dramas I've seen can be a little cheesy and you wonder how things are going to turn out. This morning was special, very special. The presence of God allowed these girls to spend some time grieving while there were safe people around to grieve and pray with them. I really feel like trying to explain to you all that happened will only cheapen the actual experience, so I am going to refrain from going into too much detail. I will say, I don't know if I've ever been in the presence of others where the walls are let down and there is serious crying, screaming and crying. It was safe to do so. It was accepted. They were surrounded. For some of the girls, it seemed as though it was a release, or at least part of the process of releasing. Many of them feel they are to blame. And of course there's that big looming, 'Why?'. When there are no clear reasons, moving forward is difficult. And forgiveness, it is a necessary step so that they may experience freedom, 'Yo soy libre!' . Without forgiveness, they carry the ugliness along with them and it keeps them from really walking in freedom. It's that way for all of us.

You won't relent until you have it all. For there is love that is as strong as death, jealousy as demanding as the grave. Many waters cannot quench this love. You won't relent until You have it all.

Here's the beauty and here's what I believe, Jesus Christ came to take the weight of all that sin and pain and grief. God promises beauty for ashes and we spent time praying and proclaiming this over these beautiful lives. He won't relent until He has it all. Today, we acknowledge this: He was crucified that we may have life and life to the full. I believe that for these girls. I believe that for my life. I believe that for every life hidden in Christ.

Praying you have an Easter weekend that is meaningful to the gift of life that is offered to you, freely.

God, SOS

2011-04-21T20:15:00.000-07:00

This is where I falter. This is where my nerves start going crazy and my insides are constantly on edge. This is when I need help. It's when I hit exhaustion because sleep does not come easy. It's when my heart's walls have been penetrated and moved and I feel as if I'm being pulled in multiple directions. It's when I get short-sighted and do not focus on the long term hopes and dreams. It's when I begin to make other plans, when I reconcile failed plans with the ultimate Planner, come to peace, start dreaming about other possibilities and then am suddenly jerked into another reality. A good reality. A reality I've hoped for. When a dream seems too good to be true and then it comes to pass. When the hopes of coming back here later this year for a few more weeks or another month are suddenly put out because a new reality holds the trump card. My heart aches tonight, a lot. It's a good ache, sure. It still aches.

Father help me. Overcome the limits I place on Your GOOD and FULL OF LIFE plans for my life.

Forget what I said,

2011-04-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

OHSU called today and I'm in. I'M. IN. Yes, they had an available slot and yours truly has accepted the offer! I am in shock…jumping up and down screaming with Lauren in shock. :)

Laugh with me!

2011-04-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

This morning, Maricruz, Lauren and I went to Club Co. (Guatemala's Costco) to buy some bulk food for the team this afternoon. When teams are here, they head up the mountain with 8-10 of the older girls and take beans, rice, oil, and sugar to families that POP has formed a relationship with. On our way to buy the food, Maricruz started telling us about her IGA English classes. She studied English last year and has started again every Saturday for 6 hours a day. She was explaining about her class and said that there were a lot of "old people" in her class, "like 30 or 31." I started laughing and she realized INSTANTLY she has just dug herself into a hole and was sitting next to an old person! We all got a good belly laugh out of that one and I told her it was ok if she called me old, it's a compliment. I'm still laughing. I needed a good laugh. Thanks Mari!

4.5

2011-04-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

I keep saying and thinking I have 6 weeks remaining of the four months I planned to be here. Six weeks is good, easy, still feels like plenty of time. I just met reality. I have 32 days left. THIRTY-TWO! Four-and-a half weeks. When Annie was here visiting, we spent some time processing the internal and external factors carving out my time and talking about how to really do well at investing in these remaining days. I know this time will be fast and I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't a little bit homesick for family and friends. So, pray for me-that my head and heart would remain in the present.

Tuesday was a great day, a birthday I will remember well. Thanks for all the love. I was oblivious to the planning going on around me last Sunday/Monday/Tuesday. The independent living girls threw me a surprise party and a few fireworks went off! To top that off, even more fireworks exploded when the cake came out! And guess, what. Maricruz, Lauren, Marjorie, and Estephany made me tres leches! That was my one selfish birthday request (from a previous post). Not only did I party with these fine ladies, my mom threw me a party on skype- cousins and kiddos, brother, Mom and Dad, Aunt Lor and Uncle JB. Finally, the little ones don't get shy and quiet when they see my face on the computer screen talking at them. I got kisses and lots of faces pressed against the screen. I'm sure that computer needed some love and attention after the party. The kids even helped blow out the candles after I made a wish (yep, she made me a cake-thx mom).

This Saturday is the kick off for Camp Sonshine, a team of 18 folks from the states will be here to basically put on a week long camp. The girls look forward to this and are more than excited to be out of school all week for Semana Santa, Holy Week. I'm expecting a full, crazy, fun week and will be back to share some pictures soon.

P.S.
I know I keep talking about her and by now you know I'm a little bit astounded by her transformation. Should I be? Isn't transformation what takes place in an environment of love, care, provision, gospel? I am shaken by her process…it is a VERY clear picture for me of the life and transformation and freedom I have received in Christ. Maria. You are teaching me. This is from 'Splash Day' and it makes me smile.

Soapbox.

2011-04-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

Listen, since it's my birthday, I'm going to take this opportunity to make a little more noise about these ladies I'm living with. It's not easy living with 53 girls, getting to know their personalities, and witnessing the wounds and battles of life play out in their stories. Oh, I've shared and will continue to share the smiles and laughter I'm able to capture in a photo or a video, but believe me-they have bad days too. Days where they are a little more quiet, a little sad. Days where they show up looking a little more tired than the others which sends me into a flurry of internal questioning. "Why does Eugenia look so sad today?" "Was she awake crying last night?" "Is she sad today?" In my limited Spanish, I'm able to ask the simple questions…Yes, in fact, she is just a little sad today.

These girls are caught up in a cycle that is known the world around. A cycle that is disrupted by a caring person who tells an authority, who then removes the young lady from what she has known as home and places her in a foreign land…I've come to know this foreign land-Principe de Paz. Clearly, it's only foreign for a time, the time it takes her to adjust depending on each individual girl, but it IS foreign and I can't imagine the weight and breadth of emotions these girls feel when they enter this place.

Each girl has her story. Every story will stir and break your heart.

Just recently, another one of the younger girls lost her mom. The neighbors came to share the information with the staff and the young one. While many waited in the office, Kay spent some time talking to the neighbors about the remaining family members. The neighbor said that it was better for the young girl to stay here rather than go live with family members. According to the neighbor, here is a safe place where she should be kept. This is the clencher, the Spanish word this lady was using for 'here' or Prince of Peace, is the same word they use when they are burying the deceased. This neighbor sees this place as a place to bury the girls until they are older, maybe old enough to then leave and fend for themselves out in the world.

I'm not particularly fond of that concept, bury them until later. It sounds stagnant- just put 'em in a home until they are 18 and then send them out. Thankfully, that IS NOT what POP is doing!

Education is and always has been the door to moving forward. Get them reading, learning, understanding concepts, develop their minds so they can think for themselves, give them experiences that are meaningful to changing their lives. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Those things are happening here, YES! However, it all comes with a price tag and education in Guatemala is NOT free. Sure, there are public schools, but I haven't heard anything good about those schools. The girls living at POP attend Puerta de Esperanza, the school on the property. However, once they reach a certain age/level, many of them leave campus to attend private schools that align with their chosen career path. They basically make this decision at 9th grade and then attend high school or collegio with a particular area of emphasis.

Education is the door out of the cycle from which they came. It's the way these girls wipe out the ghosts of the past and find a new future full of possibility.

A day in the life a 15 year old POPster:

-She rises at 4AM to do house chores with her housemates in the Independent Living housing.
-She leaves for school @ 5:30AM because she and her "sisters" all attend 5 different schools and Salvador must drop each of them off for their 7AM start time.
-She attends classes from 7AM until 1:30 or 3 or 4PM.
-She arrives back to POP around 4:45-5:15PM
-She may take a quick nap (if she didn't sleep on the drive), but then she starts her homework and helping with meals etc.
-She studies ALL EVENING LONG and usually turns out the light LATE.

She is more than impressive to me!

And that's just one of the schedules. They all rise early (5:30 is sleeping in and I'm the one rising at 5:30!), work hard and do their part to keep this place running! Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of play, but they are learning to work together and it's amazing to watch the wheels turn here!

Here's the bottom line. These girls need education. Education is expensive, from books and supplies to uniforms and shoes, it adds up QUICKLY when we're talking about 53 girls! Education off campus is more expensive, but the school on the property-Puerta de Esperanza-also requires supplies and paying teacher salaries.

What am I asking? Give. :) It's my birthday, I don't need a present, but I'd love to give these girls something more than I am capable of giving alone. The ChipIn is continually growing… thanks for that! I'm hoping today will be another surge on the meter! The correct percent is 44.37%, $1,775 of the $4,000 goal! From the deep of my heart, thank you. How/where do you give? Click the ChipIn on the right or here.

Finally, here's a gift for you! It's long, but I've been back-logged in posting pictures so I threw them all in and added two of my current favorite tunes. Hang out for a few more minutes and enjoy the smiles!

On the eve...

2011-04-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

Oh my, what?! Tomorrow is my birthday. This morning I skyped with my mom and she asked, "What are we gonna do for you?" I told her to bake me a cake, take a picture and then email it to me. She laughed and didn't think that was a great idea because it would just be Mom and Dad eatin' some cake. So, today she called all the cousins and kiddos and tomorrow we are partying on skype! This will be a first and I'm excited to see everyone. I've been missing Powers this week.

Thirty-four, where did you come from? Whatever your response may be, I'm glad to see you. I welcome you because, thank God and because of His hand, you accompany sweet memories and a bit more wisdom.

Tacotento, yum.

My birthday celebration officially began last Satruday. Annie treated me to dinner and dessert on her last night here. And as we made our way from the restaurant, the watches in the joyeria caught our eyes. So, for my birthday this year, I have a brand-new, red watch that reminds me of swatches (Am I aging myself now?). We just need to find swatch-guards now! Thanks A;).

Admiring our new watches and giving the salesman a good laugh!

Teasers

2011-04-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

Annie, you have the gift of capturing thought-provoking images and this time it happens to be in the faces of these stunning, Guatemalan ladies. Thank you for sharing your gift, thank you.

I've many photos to share, but wanted to throw out a teaser. Aren't they gorgeous!

Rockstar Holiday

2011-04-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

At least that's how we felt when hanging out in the courtyard or on the rooftop patio at our hotel. Annie arrived Saturday night and we took an early morning taxi (eventful!) on Sunday to Antigua, spending our early mornings interpreting the streets taking pictures, walking through our days in the colorful markets, and moving through Antigua without an agenda. No agenda meant plenty of time to catch up on life! (Gretchen and Karin-we've been reminiscing about our NYC holiday!)

We are back at the home with the girls. Annie is taking more photos and I've been filling in as the English teacher again this week. I'll post some of those pictures of the girls soon…but here are a few from Antigua.

Photo credits to Annie!

One of the many processions leading up to Semana Santa, Holy Week.

A serene escape from the busy streets, skyping from the rooftop with Karin:)!

From the rooftop patio looking toward the Central Park Cathedral.

Sunrise (sigh).

Business and culture, modern and ancient.

White Lies, Little White Lies

2011-04-05T10:13:00.001-07:00

In an effort to be very honest, you need to know that ChipIn is outright lying!

THANKS for loving these young ladies. It should read 41.25%!

Listen.

2011-03-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

Can you hear the giggling??? Oh what fun it is to play and color with these girls. I had my laptop in the salon for the sole purpose of playing some Abel Zavala for the girls as they colored pictures for their sponsors. It crossed my mind that I should have my camera and then I thought, “Ah! Photo Booth!” So, we took ~~some~~ a number of GOOFY, CRAZY pics and a few just need to be shared.

It was especially sweet because today is Blanca's 8th birthday and she was full of smiles, hugs, and love. This little one is usually uninterested in hanging around and passing out hugs! I've learned with her, she comes around when she's interested in giving or getting attention. Today, she was so different. She was by my side frequently and always with her arms around my neck or leaning against me, giving me her wonderful toothless grin. It's really starting to kill me…I still have time left here, but I'm starting to think about leaving and UGH! I feel a horrible sense of, "What was I thinking?!?!" How in the world is it possible to spend time in this context and then leave? It seems so unfair to all parties included…like purposely setting out to break your own heart along with the others! In the beginning, some of the older girls asked, "Stephanie, will you come back here?" OF COURSE! I know that. Last week, Adela started to question me about when I was leaving for Oregon and we began to calculate how much time I had left---she looked at me, I looked at her-tears started to form and I interrupted, "NO Adela! We're not doing this now." And we laughed the thoughts away. I love these girls. I am zealous about fighting with and for them and it is so unfortunate that for most of you, reading this is as close as you will come to experiencing this immense treasure. How disappointing, second rate and flat! (I have a way to fix that, I just need a week of your time! However, know that you've been warned-you'll be crushed too, for the good.) Today I had lunch with Casa A and visited with Tia Blanca. This very topic was a part of the conversation and I told her I don't think I can leave here without planning a return trip. I know your minds are running with questions based on this post and the last. Yes, I'm returning to OR in late May. I have an extremely important graduation to attend on June 3. Yes, I'm still moving forward with school. No, I don't have any plans after May. Still surprised? Me too!

Ok, I'm done for now. No, one more thing. My birthday is coming and all I REALLY WANT is for that ChipIn to grow! AND MAYBE A SLICE OF TRES LECHES TO CELEBRATE ;)

Happy 8th Birthday Blancita! Your smile is a keeper!

This is before they really figured out what was going on. Pure curiosity here.

Oh, oh effects!!!!!

Starting to get the hang of this=funny faces!

Mayra working very diligently on a special letter to her sponsor.

Yeymy has this one patented.

Third time is a charm.

2011-03-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

This is the third time I've attempted to write this post. I'm struggling, sitting here right now, trying to figure out what I want to say. This post is not an update on life at POP or the girls. It's me and it's for those of you who have been following the back to school for a second degree adventure. I wrote late Saturday night and again this morning, but didn't publish what I wrote. It felt like I was jumping the gun and maybe not being as honest as I wanted to be, telling only part of the story. So, I just need to throw this info into the collective knowledge regarding that big ol' application to OHSU.

We had a plan, mom and I, and she followed through without a hitch;). Thanks mom! The letter from OHSU arrived Friday and I received an email from mama J Friday midday with news of being placed on the alternate list. The letter was actually quite nice, "…the committee has reviewed your application and recognizes your strong academic potential and fit…we are still very interested in your candidacy. Therefore,…" fill out this additional form blah blah blah. So, the door isn't actually closed, but who says, "No thanks," to OHSU?

The good news is, I made the alternate list.
The bad news is, I made the alternate list.

I'm so thankful for all you faithful family and friends who are FOR me and who've been hanging around all weekend checking in with me. I'm good. I'm staring at an abyss that exists beyond May without plans. So, there is much yet to be determined. Surely by now you know, I'LL KEEP YOU POSTED. :)

Thoughts on this particular day.

2011-03-23T08:02:00.000-07:00

This morning, four of the girls here are leaving for their audencias. What is that? This is the time they go before the judge with Vilma, the social worker at POP, and/or Dr. Jim and their families. This is the time where the judge decides if the family is ready for the girl(s) to return or if it is still better for them to stay at Prince of Peace. Sometimes the girls are excited. A few weeks ago, Virginia had her audencia and she was so excited to be going home to live with her older sister. This morning, on my walk, I saw these four girls and a range of emotions. On one face was excitement, on another anxiety, and on one, well, she's just stoic. This morning I'm listening to this and am praying for peace-peace-peace for Eloisa and Eugenia and Yaneth and Vanesa.

I'm thankful for a God who is full of grace, peace, and justice. And I'm grateful for a God who WILL NOT relent when it comes to the lives of these girls. As well, I'm glad He WILL NOT relent when it comes to my own heart and yours.

Lilian Yaneth

Eugenia y Eloisa

Vanesa

Ana

Last night Ana came over to visit. We had tea and hot cocoa and chatted about everything under the sun:). Ana is one of the older girls in Independent Living. She is beautiful and full of pranks and spunk…and the more we visit, the more I see a soft heart and a desire. As we visited last night, she made a comment about her mom and how she (Ana) came from El Salvador to Guatemala. I asked her if she would share her story with us (Lauren and I). She is the first girl I've asked to personally share. It's such a tender thing to share openly, but I sensed it was a good time for connection and I felt she'd be willing. She smiled and proceeded to lead us through her history and at the end of the story said this place, Prince of Peace, is an answer to her prayer to God. A prayer she prayed as a little girl. She defines POP as her other family. "We eat and sleep and go to school together here. I have two families." So strong are those ties!

Many of my thoughts this week have been toward adoption. These conversations and living among these girls has emphasized and magnified this = our position and our adoption into the King's family. That Third Day Children of God video is still playing on this computer screen! The song is good, but the video has a particularly strong impact, God does not see us with the labels we generally place on one another. We are His daughters and these few months, I am living among some of His most treasured possessions!

God thanks. Thanks for Your RELENTLESS pursuit in our lives.

Third Day-Adoption

2011-03-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

Gretchen sent me an email last night with the subject line, "to make you cry". I decided not to open it last night and this morning it was waiting for me, this video. Thanks for sharing, G.

Folks, it's worth your 5 minutes.

Fragments-idiomas, boys, and more.

2011-03-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Fragments, why? Because there are too many good little bits to let them fall between the cracks.

Part One: Maricruz y Esperanza

On most evenings during the week, Maricruz leaves POP at 5PM with Esperanza and they make their way down the boulevard to pick up Fabiola after school. I try to catch Mari before she leaves the office because I thoroughly enjoy these ride-alongs! It's a great time for me to check out the city, catch up with these ladies, and practice Spanish. First, I must say, they are excellent learners and speak English very well. It's easy for them, and therefore easy for all of us, to communicate in English. However, this week I told them, "Hey. I really need to practice Spanish. So, I'll speak in Spanish, you speak in English." OH MY did we laugh. I mean laugh!!!!!!!! The kind of laughing that makes you feel good. The kind of laughing which lightens the load (and causes me to be free in fumbling through my vocabulary). I ask questions about signs or idiomatic expressions and practice my verb conjugations. (I especially like it when I get those conjugations correct and Espe encourages me with, "Wow! You are very smart!;) ) Anyway, here is an example in an attempt to invite you into one of those traffic-jammed-ride-alongs. I often hear folks here using the courteous excuse me in a few different forms. Easy. Perdoname or disculpe. This second word, disculpe does not roll off my tongue. Instead, I like to say discuple. Yeah, hard to point out the difference. Look again. I want to pronounce the "p" before the "l". Maricruz and Esperanza could not stop laughing, neither could I. They kept saying it, I would repeat, they would laugh. From there it turned crazy and goofy as I began to incorrectly pronounce all the words they have so gingerly corrected. I AM NOT an auditory learner. NUNCA! If I can't see it, you can bet I won't be able to pronounce, let alone remember, the word! Ahhh, but it makes for a good time.

Part Two: Mabel's Curiosity

Mabel: Do you have a boyfriend in Antigua?
Me: What? A boyfriend in Antigua? Me, no. Why?
Mabel: You came back from Antigua looking beautiful and _______. (Hand gestures for something similar to walking the runway!)
Me: (Laughing- more- and a little more- still laughing- now Mabel is laughing) Are you serious? Really? (More laughing at her gestures.) No. I didn't have time to find a boyfriend, I was too sick all week.
Mabel: Really? (She makes a face, cocking her head and squinting her eyes as if to say- I'm not buying it.) Are you sure you don't have a boyfriend in Antigua? We all (she gestures to the house and other girls) thought you looked more beautiful (which I took to mean I had some sort of sparkle about me after returning).
Me: Wow, thank you for the compliment. Maybe I'm sparkling because I can have a conversation with you now because no, I do not have a boyfriend in Antigua. (I have a hunch they doubt that I'm going to Antigua for school!)

THAT conversation took place on the porch before evening devotions with the rest of the house. THIS conversation took place after devotions.

Mabel: Estephany. How many boyfriends have you had?
Me: (Smile. This girl is curious.) Toda mi vida? In all my life? Serious?
Mabel: Yes.
Me: (Counting on my hand explaining when and how long and why we went separate directions.)
How may have you had, Mabel? (Lots of giggling on her part!)

I'm not sharing this to tell you about a boyfriend in Antigua. I'm not sharing this to tell you about my past relationships. I'm sharing this because it made me smile for many reasons. One, I'm having a conversation with a young lady who I STRUGGLED to converse with my first few weeks here. I asked her if she remembered that first week and how hard it was to communicate…we both laughed! Two, this is evidence of girls growing up and their interest in boys. :) And, these are the beginnings of conversations we should be having. Three, I was able to express to Mabel the importance of finding un buen hombre-a good man-who knows and loves God. I've often thought about these girls in the distant future. Chances are, they will one day marry. But who will he be and what will he be like? Will they break through their family of origin issues or will they fall into destructive relationships? I HOPE for them and I pray for their futures. I know I'm not alone in those prayers and I'm thankful to know there are MANY who love these ladies and are battling for their futures in prayer.

Part Three: ChipIn

You may not have noticed, but I have. The ChipIn over there on the right, it's growing:). Gracias a Dios y gracias a ustedes! It's still wrong…we're at 30%!

Part Four: La Cocinera

I have set out with intent to have some fun in the kitchen here. Over that past few years, my time in the kitchen has diminished. (Wait, I'm not sure if it's ever been my forte! Yes, mom, I hear you.:) ) I love to bake, but cooking is different. Anyway, I realized this is a great time because I can't use the excuse of homework or plans with friends to get out of making a meal. First on the list was Caldo Real- typical soup here in Guate. Lots of vegetables in a clear broth---beef, chicken, pork etc. The soup was good and I found a new-to-me vegetable, guisquil. It's also known as chayote, vegetable pear, and according to wikipedia, in the States our slang term for this yummy veggie is old people lips. Made me curious and I'm going to hunt for it when I get home. Have you seen this in your local grocery store?

Part Five: The Run

It has been a few months since I've moved at a pace faster than 4mph. No, I cannot just walk out my door here and go on a leisurely run through the neighborhoods for a few different reasons. #1 It's not a good idea for reasons of personal safety. #2 It would be a hill workout every time and honestly, I'm not into hills. I run Terwilliger when someone tells me it's part of the training, not because I feel like running hills. So, for the first time since I arrived, I went running, albeit on a treadmill. Surprisingly, I did not miss the Portland neighborhoods I usually run through, I did not mind that I was on a machine, I didn't mind that it was 5:45AM, and I didn't mind that I forgot my ipod. I was too happy to be running. I will quickly admit, I'm not a runner. I'm not that person who says, "Oh, I miss running, I only went three times last week." No. I run because it's exercise, usually free, and it allows me to slow my brain down for a while-thank you endorphins. Lauren and I found a gym up the hill and another one down the boulevard to check out another morning. I'm hopeful this will become a regular occurrence because though I'm not a runner, I run.

Tongue-tied

2011-03-13T17:24:00.000-07:00

It has been a week unlike the others. No reason. Not better or worse, different. I spent a week away at language school and returned with grammar help and a less functional ability to speak. REALLY? I think, in part, I'm able to more easily recognize my abuse and misuse of this language. My best comparison/reasoning jargon, things usually get worse before they get better! I feel like I have a clamp over my mouth and I don't want to engage-that's not good at all. Or, I'm stuck over thinking, agh! So, I'm headed back to school this week and am hopeful this will be a push forward rather than a floundering set back. Hopeful, I am.

Meet Lauren. She starts med school in the fall and is here for a few months, working
in the clinic and lovin' on these ladies.

A little fun, par for the course on most days!

She Speaks

2011-03-08T18:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I heard it. It's not the first time, no, but it is the first time I've heard her addressing her friends, "Chile cuatro por Karen! Chile cuatro por Suleyka!" It made me so happy, hearing her voice, speaking. Not responding, speaking! Can you understand what I mean? It's the freedom the majority of us have from the start. The opportunity to speak. First, yes, responding to our parents and adults, but then addressing and leading in conversation with our siblings and our peers. Calling out on the playground, harassing our older brother ;), speaking to our friends over the fence. Freedom. As far as I know, this is it for her! It's new and it is lovely to watch. I go get crazy after dinner with those girls because I'm enthralled with her transformation (and well we just have a great time, ALL of us)! Maria, Maria, Maria.

Here she is. You've seen this face on here before, but maybe you'll also be able to see some of what I'm seeing---a person, full of beauty-no longer a shell of a human. Maravilloso!

Progresión de Maria…

Habakkuk 3:19

2011-03-06T06:08:00.000-08:00

The Sovereign Lord is my strength!

HE makes me as surefooted as a deer,

able to tread upon the heights.

For Sara!

2011-03-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

"I need some pictures of Antigua so I can see where you are." This is the message I received early last week. Here you go, my dear Sara! Antigua is nice. It's a place for walking (with caution). There's an abundance of cafes, restaurants, little markets, and language schools. I did not have a particularly great week there, something like the flu which meant I spent way too much time on my bed with flashcards while the sun shone and the markets called. However, I did meet some really wonderful people who live in the same neighborhood as POP. And that means…I will stay at POP and drive over in the mornings with a few others in the coming weeks. It's a quick 20-25 minute drive and much easier for me to be here rather than living with a family there. I'm glad to be back. One of Antigua's charms, the doors! I was constantly wanting to take pictures of the doors, but knew I'd be disappointed with what I actually captured. Annie is on her way here the first week of April, with her camera, and I already communicated that I have dreams of a "doors" installation for her next photography project. Yes, Annie, it's time. ; )

Meet Antigua...

In the morning, before the streets are crowded.

My favorite time of day, up with the sun.

Plaza Mayor in the middle of Antigua.

One of many cathedrals.

My residence for the week.

The "Arco" and Volcan de Agua

March 4-Happy Birthday Mom!

2011-03-03T15:14:00.000-08:00

Oh, it's a day early, but I wanted this to be posted for tomorrow so you can enjoy it all day! Mom, I hope you have a wonderful day. I love you and am so thankful you are my mom.

Taking care of business…she's a lady with multiple talents! Love this picture taken of her over
New Year's weekend this year. It was a GREAT, full weekend.

The girls at Principe de Paz sure know how to send out a birthday message. Hoping this starts your day and celebration with a HUGE smile.

So Thankful!!!

2011-03-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

Look over there to the right. That little tracker Giving to Guatemala keeps on climbing and I am so very thankful! Honestly, it means so much to me to have so many of you following along and giving to these girls. Young ladies you've never (or at least not yet) had the opportunity to meet. One of the recent donations is from a gal I lived next to during my freshman year @ OSU-Wilson Hall! I see her on facebook, but had no idea she knew I was down here. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Ok, the part of me that likes exactness is taking over for a moment! The ChipIn is incorrect. Some of you have sent money directly to Prince of Peace. So, the correct reading is more like "Raised $1050 of $4,000." That means we're @ 26.25% of the goal. Why $4,000? A number I landed on because I knew it would make me pray and was beyond what my closest friends and family would give. It seriously makes me pray! Why April 12th? Well, first of all it's my birthday! Number thirty-four…treinta y cuatro…34! I decided for my birthday this year I'd like to give a gift, but clearly this is a gift I can't give without you. However, I will let the ChipIn run until the goal is actualized. So, I still need some help! ;)

This post lacks a title.

2011-02-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, so you'd think at this juncture in life I would have said Hasta la Vista to the habits of a student. Not so. Here I am, in Antigua sitting at a table for two with a whiteboard, the smell of dry-erase markers, and a stack of books. My teacher has vacated the premises and so I study. I'm finding a little more determination knowing the benefits that sit on the other side of this mountain of language, dreaming about the possibilities.

I'm actually feeling quite blessed (though I don't like that word, feels overused and lacks a certain sufficiency to how this truly feels, but alas…). Upon entering this country, I knew what to expect. I was aware that I'd have a LOT of time to think and process and analyze and drive myself crazy (without the help of others, thank you!). And so this is where I land, feeling favored. Not favored above others, but favored in light of this time and reflecting. February has been a full month. January and February brought life and liveliness, love and lots of laughter-admittedly, with a few intermittent tears. A lot of prayer, a lot of trust, a lot of believing beauty for ashes AND the opportunity to be a witness to those promises from Isaiah.

He is GOOD.

So we move on. March. I'm smiling.

Maybe my next post will be in Spanish? Yeah, no!

to know Love

2011-02-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

Come out from behind, little one. You have something to teach me.

Maria. Doesn't make eye contact for too long. Would rather be in the shadows than in the center. Didn't want her picture taken in the beginning, but now smiles for my camera…on occasion and more willingly with a newfound friend. Cried for days for the one whose hand caused her harm. Is, for the first time, sitting in a classroom. Is learning how to play and, it seems for the first time, laugh and run free from fear. Speaks more Spanish than she let on in the beginning! Her story is hard. It reminds me of the books I read in junior high when I first became aware of the term "child abuse"-though I could not comprehend-still cannot comprehend. I want to grab her and hold her and hug her…touch to her seems foreign. I smile when I see her running hand-in-hand with Karen. It seems like progress. She smiles timidly and speaks quietly when I ask her her age, if she speaks Kaqchikel, if she's ready to play 'Escondite' (hideout, aka hide and seek). I want to know her. I want her to know Love.

A little more culture please.

2011-02-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

Today is your (and my) lesson in culture. I thought I was going to write a post today about the clinic in the Mayan village where Dr. Jim volunteers on Tuesday mornings, and you'll get a bit about that, but this is primarily about the Mayan culture. Errrr- a microscopic fraction of said culture.

TRAJE (pronounced trah-hey) is the traditional clothing worn by the indigenous people here. It is beautiful, colorful, full of patterns and textures. I've been trying to figure out if the patterns are related to familial decent or just random, creative beauty. At some point, I'll have that conversation with Reyes (Dr. Jim's translator at the village clinic), but I need a few more vocabulary words to ask and understand! After a quick google search, I did learn this-those patterns and colors have rhyme and reason. "Moreover, in Guatemala, Maya traje is village-specific or language-group related." Which then leads me to question, what specifically makes you aware of the village or language group??? Color? Style? Pattern? Flowers? Birds? Here are a few of my encounter…I have yet to see a man wearing traditional garments.

Maria, looking beautiful in her traje, with Miss Kay at the clinic.

Virginia displaying her traje.

A baby's beanie (sorry for the blur, snapping pics while driving on dirt roads) and Maria (dos) on the left wearing her traje and a sweatshirt. SIDE NOTE: Maria (dos) is new to Prince of Peace. She arrived a few days before I did. I was told about her, "You'll recognize her. She has hollow eyes, still wears her traje, and cries all day long." I intend to share more about her, not in this post, but let me say this, she has made progress-I've seen her smile and she does in fact speak Spanish!

IDIOMA And did you know, Guatemala has 23 languages and 30 different dialects. I believe most of the individuals in the mountains who travel to this particular clinic for medical attention speak Kaqchikel. Reyes, a lovely lady who works at the clinic interpreting, speaks both Spanish and Kaqchikel. Today, we had three languages going on as Dr. Jim explained some of the patients' conditions to me and Reyes interpreted for Dr. Jim! I asked Reyes if she grew up with both languages in the home. No, her mother spoke Kaqchikel and her schooling was in Spanish. Same for her daughter. Reyes taught Dr. Jim and I how to say Buenos Dias-Good Morning in Kaqchikel, but I'm afraid it just wasn't happening. It was close, and she was kind, but they make sounds with their throat that we are not accustomed to. Anyway, close, but no! I also heard a lot of clicking in the back of their mouths…hard to explain, easier to hear. Here is an audio clip of the language. I wanted to try and get a video, but didn't want to interrupt the ladies speaking. If you listen carefully, you can hear a lot of "sh" sounds.

There you have it, a little culture for both of us today. I'll end with this photo of the back of the vehicle trying to leave the clinic today. In total, 10 adults, 2 boys, 2 babies…not bad!

ma-mamma-madre-mutter-mom

2011-02-19T18:58:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, I was on my way to the laundry/kitchen up the hill from where I'm staying and spied some of the girls hanging out on the bench swing. They ALL had babies in their arms and it just made me smile. I quickly stepped back inside, grabbed my camera, and snapped a couple pics and this video. Oh how I pray they will be good mamas when they are (much) older.

P.S. Notice Velveth, standing on top of the swing, baby strapped to her while the other girls cradle theirs! Made me laugh. That girl is too busy climbing something, hands-free necessary.

Music- Fatima's Waltz by Justin Roth

Somedays, it's not all smiles.

2011-02-16T10:33:00.000-08:00

"He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. Finally, He will cause justice to be victorious. And His name will be the HOPE of all the world."

-Matthew 12:20-21

How do you keep from falling into pieces? How can a heart be acquainted with pain and hurt and disillusionment and still survive? How can abuse be endured and then crushed by the young innocence of a little girl?

I don't know how, but I'm witnessing-DAILY-examples of young ladies who stride forward.

I encountered it this morning. And, I knew it was coming. It did not crush, thanks God it has lightly brushed my soul. If otherwise, I don't know how I'd keep going. I knew it was coming because yesterday was one of those calm before the storm kind of days.

One instance, merely one. Sarahi. I shared pictures of her here last week. I spoke of her spunk and how she came to the home. Unfortunately, not much is known. During recreo (recess), I usually play basketball with the girls. Sarahi is a natural. She is barely big enough, tall enough, to dribble the basketball, but she has great ball handling skills! Such a coordinated little tot. I swooped her up and said to her, "Sarahi, I like you and think you are beautiful." She just smiled and started pushing my chin up so she could see how in the world I had a nose piercing and then started pulling on my earrings and asking if they were painful?!? She just cracks me up! I can say honestly, I don't have favorites here. How can you?!?! They are all amazing and beautiful! But, this little one had my full attention today.

I'm not sure why, but Sarahi (pronounced Sah-Rah-E) leaves school after recreo and heads back to the house with the Tia AKA House Mom. Maybe it has to do with her being new? Maybe her age? Maybe they're working with her behavior? I don't know. She was meandering up the hill behind me and mumbling to herself, wearing a gloomy face. I went into my house, came back out, and found her standing there crying. Crying for her mom, "Quiero mi mama." I want my mom. Ok, let's go find her and take you home. Right! I (we) still do not know the story with mom…was Sarahi left on purpose? Is mom looking for her? They put ads out in the paper for missing people, much the same as home, I assume. I grabbed her and sat down with her waiting for the Tia. She just kept quietly crying and mumbling I want my mom.

Yeymy-Sarahi-Viviana

All that to say…what do you do? How do you answer? And how do these wonderful folks who work diligently here keep their heads above water? You just do. You look ugly in the face, name it, and then keep moving forward with these girls. Thank God for Ninoshka-the counselor who works with each girl individually. Thank God for Vilma- the social worker who represents these girls in court and who grew up at Prince of Peace, went off to university, and returned to work here for the sake of these girls. And Violeta and Laura and Blanca and Lizet and Dr. Jim and Kay and Juan and Salvador and Vicki and Deisy and Celeste and Soli and Nancy and Marii Cruz and the teachers… (separate post on these wonderful folks soon).

I wrote this on my first day here, within the first few hours. It was in my daily reading and seemed so fitting for the circumstances. This scripture, on this paper, has floated about my mind and my dwelling-on my nightstand, next to this computer, on the table, as a bookmarker etc. Today, it was time to share.

"He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. Finally, He will cause justice to be victorious. And His name will be the HOPE of all the world."

-Matthew 12:20-21

And guess what???!!!?? These girls need sponsors! I'm praying God will BREAK YOUR HEART for the benefit of these beauties! (Sorry, but not really;)!) Leave me a message or send me an email. It's easy to get you info and I believe this is yet another reason I'm here.

Yeymy-Sarahi-Vanesa on the tire swing.

Entertainment.

The sparkle shows up in a smile!

***I know this place, Guatemala City, is not any different than the city you live in. Unfortunately, what I'm writing about is all to familiar across the globe…this is merely my experience---brown eyes that press my soul on this ordinary day.

Dia Del Cariño

2011-02-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

Little Melanie!

2011-02-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

I shared photos a few posts back about the little girl on the mountain who did a number on her forehead. She was in the clinic this afternoon so Dr. Jim could remove the stitches. It was GOOD to see her and she seriously could not STOP smiling. I'm glad she still likes us!!! Just wanted to share her smile with you all.

Yes, she is smiling here!

Still smiling…:)

Guate looks good on you!

2011-02-13T06:40:00.000-08:00

For you to pray...

2011-02-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

This morning, I want to tell you about two girls who I'd like for you to add to the conversation when you're talking with God. In the last two day, these little girls have encountered much.

She wanted to show me her traditional clothing.

Meet Virginia. She is beautiful. She is smart. She is real. I asked here a few nights ago how her day was and she replied, good. Then rescinded with a very real answer, No. I'm not good, I'm ok. To which I asked why? and she responded, I'm sad because Rosemeri left today. (The court allowed Rosemeri to go back home with her mom.) She has a heart-warming smile (that she is hiding here). She has lived here @ POP for nearly 2 years and will turn 9 years old later this month. Yesterday, I happened to be in the office when her older sister came to tell her that her mother had passed. I saw her at lunch and the older girls in her house were loving on her. She seemed to be ok, actually good (a handful of us did a little Hokey-Pokey jig after lunch that she readily joined!!!). I just don't have a way to understand how these girls triumph over such life circumstances except to believe that this home, this place named Principe de Paz, is a place they are loved and cared for-physically, spiritually, emotionally. And that makes the difference, thanks God.

Sarahi "Sonrisa!"

Sarahi y Maria

Meet Sarahi . She came to the home two nights ago. I did not meet her that evening, but Deisy was over having hot cocoa and told me about her. She, Deisy, was trying to explain her cute little bangs and then decided, "Dora the Explorer!" That's exactly what she looks like, don't you agree! She is a doll. I usually walk the hill in the morning and pass the girls on their way to school. They are lined up in pairs, youngest to oldest. You should see Sarahi! She is the leader of the pack and you can tell she doesn't mind one bit. Both mornings, even before we officially met, she came running down to me and gave me a MAMMOTH sized hug. And she won't let go.:) Lively might be one of the top 5 words I would use to describe her.

On the playground, Sarahi y Dafne

From what I know thus far, she was found-lost somewhere in the city. I don't know if mom is looking for her…the story is still a mystery to me. So, please, pray for Sarahi. The older girls have ABSOLUTELY taken her in and loved on her. They play with her and dote on her…as you can see over there to the left! When I see Sarahi running around, I usually see Dafne among a troop of other girls.

Sweet, precious loves.

Clinica

2011-02-09T16:11:00.000-08:00

Much to say, trying to mentally pare it down. Is it best to share one story? Nah, several. I'll start with the adventure of Monday.

For the last week and a half, we have had a men's team, plus two lovely ladies, visiting from Kentucky and Arkansas. It was awesome watching the girls as the team loved and celebrated them! Most of the individuals on the team have been here several times before and are VERY involved with the work Prince of Peace is doing. So, you can imagine the relationships that have been built over many visits and how excited the girls are when these people show up!!!! Not to mention the time some of the older girls have spent in the US with these folks. Anyway, about Monday…

After breakfast, several of us jumped in the van, headed to the grocery store, and then made our way up the mountain. "Up the mountain" refers to a more economically depressed area situated up the hill from the POP home. Many of these families living up the mountain come down and use the clinic at POP. And, over time the team(s) and older girls have built relationships with these families taking them food and other necessities.

It didn't take long to arrive at our planned destination, a family of 30 (or so I was told) living in a complex of lean-tos. Darrell asked the grandma of the house how she was and said her face was just white. Apparently we had arrived just minutes after one of the little girls, six year old Melanie, had fallen and gashed open her forehead just above her brow line. Kevin quickly grabbed her and carried her back to the van as mom followed along with the rest of us. We made our way back to the clinic and thus began a process I have NEVER encountered before!

I'd love to share pictures of the wound with you, but I think only 4 of you would appreciate seeing those. Suffice to say, the wound was about an inch long, through the dermis, and maybe a quarter of an inch at its widest point. Dr. Jim went to work! The anesthetic was the worst part- Kay, Mom, Dr. Jim and I held her, but as Kay said, "You can only do this because you know it's for their good." Verdad! After the anesthetic, Dr. Jim used 3-5 (my mind was not on the number, but the process) subcutaneous sutures and then 7-8 on top. Those were actually the more difficult because it was obvious she could feel them. Ugh!

I had the best possible perspective. I was standing at her head, holding the light for Dr. Jim and literally 18 inches from her face, watching every little thing.

One brave little girl.

We returned to the mountain with a sewed up little girl and these faces were waiting for us! They love having their picture taken and then instantly want to see it.

Maybe love at first sight? Yes, I think!

She looks much happier here!

Love again!

Today, Sonia, Edgar, and Melanie returned to the clinic. I greeted them as I entered and was SO HAPPY to see a wide smile on her face. I told her I like seeing her with a smile instead of a sad face. She kept smiling.

And mom, I kept thinking of you and Kathy and Shirley…where are the EMTs?!

Presencia

2011-02-08T17:06:00.000-08:00

In the present. Not planning for tomorrow or pining about yesterday's gains and losses, simply present. Holding onto the gift that is this moment, this look, this laugh, this hug. Estephany, mira! Estephany, mira!

Dafne. Every time she sees me I get the world's BEST hug.

a few quick words.

2011-02-07T12:54:00.000-08:00

What a day! I'll tell you the story tonight, but for now…another experience with stitches at the clinic.

The ChipIn over there to the right will be updated when I have more time, but I wanted to say another thank you! Money was sent to Kentucky and I'm thanking you on behalf of the beauties I am living with! Just this morning I was praying for an uptick on the ChipIn and God has faithfully answered. Day by day, they continue to amaze me and I'm in love with their piercing eyes and vibrant smiles.

***Ok, it's fixed. I'm still raising $4,000, but the $3,900 reflects the $100 sent in to Kentucky. More info on sending donations and tax receipts can be found under the Pages tab (top right of this page) "Giving to Guatemala" link. :)

I smell Latex gloves

2011-02-02T15:51:00.000-08:00

I can hardly contain myself! Today, este dia, I gave my first injection! Wha???!!?? I'm not sure if I should share that, but it's true. Kay, Dr. Jim's wife, showed me a few more of the ropes today. I've been observing patients in the room with Dr. Jim, but today she asked me if I wanted to help on the pharmacy side. (That's the best I can explain, but I promise a lengthier post to really give you the inside scoop soon.)

Here it is: A young guy, probably about 15 or 16, has a bad infection and needed a shot instead of pastillas (pills). I watched Miss Kay (as she is lovingly called here by the girls) give an injection prior to a young woman and she talked me through the steps both times.

Also, you need to understand this from the young guy's perspective…he did not know this was my first time :) (OF COURSE NOT!), imagine it for him and take into account the culture! Two woman, a young guy, "lower your pants just below your hip"…he was chatting, he was so embarrassed. And then, when I finished, he turned around and was sweating!!! Now, I know the shot was a bit painful, but I kinda think it was the embarrassment. I understand, poor guy!

So, here it is, a picture of the exact spot. It sort of feels like that first dollar bill you make and you hang up in your new business. Wow, I know I'm weird and silly, but it sure felt affirming!

Guate Love

2011-02-01T06:26:00.000-08:00

First, Amusement.

2011-01-31T12:30:00.000-08:00

Papaya. On my very first trip to Central America, I traveled with a group of friends to Honduras. Remembering that first trip makes me smile. I could make sense of nothing more than Hola! And I’m really not kidding here. As you can imagine, the word was WAY OVER USED that particular week. Nonetheless, we were warmly welcomed and invited into a culture and language I have continued to explore over the last 9 years.

On that trip to a small village in Honduras, Pastor Ed taught us a song that I can only recall a few lines from, but they are the significant lines pertinent to this very post. I like bananas, I think that mangos are great, I like papaya-PAPAYA??!!??-Oh yeah, but nothing can beat that sweet, sweet love of God. (OH WOW! Looky there, I just remembered the whole song!)

Papaya. You either love it or you don’t. And I’ve been told that very thing by more than a handful of folks over these years. In Costa Rica, Virginia and Mercedes really taught me how to enjoy papaya, add salt and lime. It’s really tasty, actually! Well, I went to the market a few days ago and bought a papaya. First, I don’t buy papayas in the states. I don’t know why, I just prefer other fruits and my minimalist outlook on grocery shopping…you also have to buy a lime. I know, I know it’s just a lime, but really it’s probably more so because of… Second, it’s a tedious process to eat papaya. It’s not like a banana, or an apple you can grab and eat, or a handful of grapes. It’s a process and quite frankly, I think the reward for the work is not quite the same as that of a delicious watermelon or cantaloupe! So, I bought a papaya (I know, you're thinking get to the point!).

Papaya. It had been looking at me every time I opened the fridge so I pulled it out last night and began the task of stripping the poor thing to get to the meat. In the middle of my conquest, two of the older gals came over for help with their English homework. After a while, I offered my half completed papaya and they gave me a funny look. No les gusta? (You don’t like?) Oh sure, they like it ok, but apparently I was not cutting the papaya correctly. Yes, there is a right way to do it. (Ok, really?!) So, they laughed at me as I sat at the table and finished skinning the poor thing.

Papaya. Note to self, first strip it of its coat, then slice in half, then scoop the seeds. So I left the skin on! I wasn’t going to eat it.

I like papaya.

Mi Casa & POP

2011-01-26T11:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I figured I should give you some sort of a picture to work with, a reference of sorts. I know when I say, they live in Casa A, you might be thinking something along the lines of a ranch style home, or a big cement building, or a shanty with a tin roof and sides. Yes, I've seen some form of all of those, but here are a few pics for visual folks like myself!

Casa A

Prince of Peace School

Independent Living Houses

Guesthouse- my home for now.

Entrance-Living Room-Dining Area

Kitchen and more dining

HUGE thanks!

2011-01-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

Over there to the right, that number keeps growing and I just wanted to say thanks. I sure wish you could get the hugs I've been getting, but hope it's sufficient to tell you, you're the bomb! The number of contributors is incorrect, many of you have made cash donations which went into the ChipIn as "1 contributor" instead of three. Anyway, many thanks from down south-where the birds are singing and the school bell is ringing! Off to recess with my friends.

One last thing…what a gift it was to have such a lovely send off from PDX! A weekend with my mom for our almost annual mom's/daughter's weekend with good ol' friends, a shower for Baby Hayes, time with dear roommates and friends, and a covering of prayer from my Gospel Community. I left my Gospel Community Tuesday night and had a very full heart! Thanks y'all! ;)

Megan, Jean, Sara, Mom, Janet, & Vicki
@ Muddy Rudder for some good pizza!

Mariya, Leah, and Terri- Gospel
Community family

In the Beginning

2011-01-22T19:50:00.000-08:00

Dayana

Velveth

It's so hard to know what to write about. Or rather, it's so hard to know where to start. There is just so much I want to share, but it will take time and the longer I'm here, the more I'll really be able to accurately portray what's happening here @ Prince of Peace. I would most definitely rather tell you about these young ladies, but I've still so much to learn about them and their stories. In the meantime, I guess I can share what life has been like the last couple of days and a few pictures of some of the lovely ladies I've been hanging out with.

Their living situations…there are 5 different living quarters for the girls. The younger girls, from about 6-15ish, live in houses with house moms (Laura, Violeta, and Maria). There are two of these houses, three tias (aunts) and two houses and each have several rooms with 3 or 4 girls sharing a room. The tias rotate so they have days off. Each of these homes have 19 girls at the moment. Casa A and Casa B. The houses themselves are quite large with big living areas as you walk in, a small kitchen (the cooking is done in the main kitchen over yonder), a long dining room, bedrooms downstairs and upstairs, a huge front porch, a small tv room off the porch, and an area down a few steps where the girls wash their own clothes.

I've been spending my time in Casa A. I think tonight, I finally have their names down, phew! There are many of them and their names are not usually familiar. Por ejemplo, Dairyn. Looks kinda like you'd pronounce it "Dare-in." No! And the girls certainly worked with me on that one. We sat on the steps of the house as I continued to try to say it right. "No, No! Dairyn!" So, as much as I can tell at this point:), she is "Die-E-din." We'll see as I progress!!!!!!!!!!!!:) Ah, love. And I'm here for another 3.75 months! Lord, help me-save my heart.

Vanesa, Rosa, Mayra, Dayana, Alicia, and Gaby

The other 3 houses are for the older girls and considered “Independent Living” homes. Actually, it’s more like 2 homes and a set of apartments. Anyway, there will be more to come on the older girls as I get to know them better.

Yulisa

I see the girls during meals, hanging out before and after, a bit of time at school during recess, and yesterday during school. I shadowed the English teacher because I will be taking her classes for a week while she and her husband travel back to the US. I’m pretty excited. I think we’ll have fun. You can still say a prayer for me. Spanish is quickly coming back and I'm able to fumble my way through conversation, but I want to be able to communicate in class with them. The girls who are not as shy are helpful, but I'm pretty sure I’ll be dragging my dictionary along on those days!

I took my camera to dinner tonight. It’s hilarious, some of them don’t like their picture taken (which really makes me sad. I know it runs deep within them, but I’ll still be pumping them with doses of affirmation.), others love to pose, and others run off with the camera and have fun! Es bueno!

Dulce and Gaby

Lastly, to make you suffer along with me and to cause you to pray, today, on a car trip with Dr. Jim, I learned that two of these sweet things are true orphans. They can be adopted, but Guatemala’s government stopped adoptions to the US (and maybe other countries???) because of the rumors that children were being adopted and then sold for their organs. I hate writing that, but I do recall hearing something similar in Mexico. Anyhow, I asked if they could be adopted here. The answer? Yes, but most of the families here want babies. Seems the same as home. Tonight, after we finished dinner and while carrying our plates to the kitchen and stacking our chairs, the older of these two girls started crying. Something about the grilled cheese sandwiches we had for dinner caused a memory of her mother to come to mind. Hug ‘em and hold ‘em tight.

Some of Casa A's ladies.

And one last thing, I'm beginning to test an idea---is it ever possible to give too many hugs?

Photo to the right: Standing-Velveth, Maria, Dapne, Marjorie, Gabriela, Rosa, Flor, Alicia, Viviana. Sitting-Dulce, Blanca, Yulisa, Mayra, Vanesa.

I'm in Guatemala!

2011-01-19T17:13:00.000-08:00

I’m here. Art and Nancy gathered me from airport, which was a breeze compared to what I’ve experienced in the past. By the time I walked off the plane, made my way through the airport, grabbed my bags and walked through customs/immigration, a mere 20 minutes had passed. The flight in was beautiful, rolling hills, lakes and volcano(s?). I took a few pictures so you could see what I saw, but I doubt the camera has done justice. Sorry, my camera is up in my house. (Fixed that, here they are.)

Initially, I believed I would be staying in a room and sharing a bathroom with some of the girls in one of the houses. They have dropped me off in the guest house-3 bedrooms, kitchen, living room, 2 bathrooms, back deck overlooking the rolling hills and neighbors' homes. Um, royal treatment??? I’m not sure if this is permanent, but it’s beautiful. I have my door open and can here the younger girls up the hill from me playing outside, laughing and screaming.:) And the birds, I love those birds.

The home is situated on top of a hill (not really a hill or a mountain, but I’m not sure what to call it) and if trees weren’t blocking my sight, I’d have a view of the valley. I’m guessing you can see it from somewhere on the property. (I checked that out later today, yes. The view is wild! BIG city. And over in the corner of the living room, hidden in an armoire, is a TV. This is good for the following reason, I heard the older girls come over here to watch TV…I’m already thinking about making brownies and hanging out with them!

I was given a quick tour this afternoon. POP is on 8 acres, I’ll have to take pictures to show you all the buildings-school, independent living homes for the older girls, houses for the younger girls, team quarters for groups that come in for weeks at a time, offices and a few other homes…and a clinic. I’ve got so much rattling in my brain, but I’m going to wait to share what Dr. Jim, Nancy and Art shared with me this afternoon. Basically, what they are doing here and how the thing runs. It’s amazing, lot’s of moving parts to make it happen.

The girls are already checking me out!!! So curious, they are. They are making me work (Spanish), but they also know some English so I’m making them practice too! Most of them are pretty shy, a few are not and they’ve just run up, grabbed my hand and had me following them (participating in hide and seek). If they are in groups of two or three, watch out! The shy veneer disappears and they are comfortable and curious.

Mi Corazon es bien. My heart is good. I have a lot to learn. The things I have already heard about their stories, I’m glad to see they have smiles on their faces.

Sorry if this is choppy. I’m living on a few hours of sleep and I just wanted to post something quickly to give you an update.

And yep, the weather feels like spring. They say it's eternally spring here:).

Piles

2011-01-18T12:14:00.000-08:00

This is what packing looks like right now. Yep, pretty darn organized. Nope, still haven't put it all in a bag. I guess that's the easy part, right? I'm usually fairly good about making sure I've covered all my bases and haven't forgotten a thing. I'm not sure this time. I THINK I have what I need, but I guess I just have to wait and see!:) The ONE thing I definitely have stowed, hydrocortisone cream. Why? Because one night in a little town in C.R. I was attached by mosquitos. My entire left arm was one big inflamed bite and anything resembling anti-itch cream was hours away. It was one of those memorable events you hope never happens again. Watch out mosquito, I'm armed this time!

What's the one thing you usually forget?

25 HOURS...

2011-01-17T23:05:00.000-08:00

And counting. The time has arrived and I'm feeling fairly prepared. No, I have yet to actually begin packing a bag (my heart just skipped a beat), but I'm organized and ready to throw it all in and head out. I keep checking my list, it keeps shrinking, then growing, then shrinking. The stress of leaving is not so much in the details on this side, but the lack of information on that side. This is not due to poor communication, the people at POP (Prince of Peace) have been quick to respond to all of my inquiries. This is just how it goes, ya know. It’s a fine opportunity for me to sit back and ENJOY the ride as it comes. In most cases, yes, I’d like to know the end of the movie or book and no, it doesn’t ruin the story for me. So, this is where I just show up on time and take one step forward. CHECK

I have two planes to catch.

#1 Portland to Houston-leaving PDX @ 11:50PM

#2 Houston to Guatemala City-arriving @ 12:18 PM Wed.

CHECK

Thank you for already loving these girls. The Giving to Guatemala ChipIn will be increasing even more here in a few days. I push a few buttons on this side and it appears over there (insert a glance to the right side of this blog) as it continues to grow! Thanks, thanks!!! And, I’m packing all sorts of goodies you all have passed my way the last few weeks. I’m excited to spread some love.:)

Stay tuned, I’m hoping to give you a tour and make some introductions here shortly.

Oh and yes, there will be someone at the airport expecting me! CHECK

(Shrinking list, CHECK.)

Two Weeks and Counting

2011-01-05T03:02:00.000-08:00

Time just keeps moving along and I'm headed to Guatemala. In exactly 2 weeks, I will be sitting on an airplane on my way to spend the next 4 months at Prince of Peace Home for Girls. It stills seems unreal, but I keep checking items off my list believing that this hope will soon become the reality I've been talking about for the last several months.

I've been waiting to write this special post, waiting for the busyness of holidays and for a chance to wrap my head around the support so many of you have already offered. Caught off guard and overwhelmed, I'm extremely grateful for the offers of support, well wishes, and prayers. And, I hope you follow me as I share life with those young ladies on this very blog. I have a feeling it's going to be exciting!!!

I wanted to offer a way for you to partner with me. It is not necessary for me to raise financial support for this trip, but I am raising money in an effort to provide clothing for the girls. After some email exchanges, I became aware of the need for clothing, especially clothes the girls can wear to church. Because I will be traveling alone, I have limited space (and hands) in taking extra luggage filled with these clothes. My hope is to raise money as a gift to these young ladies and to provide for a simple need. I would love for you to join me in this.

Financial gifts are possible through PayPal. If you have a PayPal account, you can click on the ChipIn button on the sidebar of the main page of this blog (over there on the right, "Giving to Guatemala"). If you do not have a PayPal account, and do not wish to create one, please send me an email and we'll find a way to make the contribution happen:)! Email Steph.

Tax-receipts are not provided if given through the ChipIn on this blog. Please send your tax-deductible contribution to Prince of Peace Ministries, P.O. Bo 1344 Mt. Sterling, KY 40353. Please make checks payable to Prince of Peace Ministries. Also, if you mail in a contribution, it'd be great if you'd send me an email so I can add your contribution to our goal!

Thank you all, for following and encouraging and supporting. I can't wait to share details on life and learning as I move into 2011.

Powers, It's Good To Be Here

2011-01-04T23:37:00.000-08:00

Christmas and New Year's, over already and onto a new year! I was just talking this morning with my mom and Uncle John, 2010 was a blink. And now it's time to start writing the story of 2011. I wanted to share some fun pics of my time at home so far. I've had a ball seeing family and a great time showing Annie and Karin my hometown. Thanks to my mom and dad, we were busy playing like country folks play! Happy New Year to you.

New Year at the TL.

Before the unwrapping, they were excited

Buzz Lightyear, "To infinity and beyond!"

We drove four-wheelers up the ridge to shoot.

The beer can with three bullet holes!

Our tour guides!

Gua, Gua, Guatemala

2010-12-15T11:41:00.000-08:00

Oh where to begin…

Maybe…

It was this time exactly 5 years ago that I was preparing to leave for 2 months in Costa Rica and here I am.

Or...

I may be 'freaking out' because I lack many details to this whole plan, but the reality is I'm certain of it. God keeps freaking me out with the way He quietly answers my 'thoughts barely turned prayers' in the midst of December chaos.

Or…

Spanish has eerily been infiltrating my life and seemingly with some ease (the little I know) thanks to the Mexican and Guatemalan men I work with. "Como se dice…?" (Translated, "How do you say…")

Or maybe…

I'm slowly checking off the list of things keeping me from crossing borders:

Appointment for the Travel Clinic (looking like 3-4 shots)
Canceling car insurance
Quitting my job
Prepping nursing school applications so I can hit the send button from Guatemala
Formulating thoughts of how YOU can be involved in a project I'm praying will encourage and make those girls at the orphanage experience LOVE.

Here, I'll start here…

I sat with my Gospel Community last night and shared much of what I've been feeling. I'm over the whole "what am I thinking, I quit my job" and onto how vulnerable I feel going to a place where I am unknown. I DO NOT FEAR FOR MY SAFETY. Not that kind of vulnerable. The kind of vulnerable you feel when you sit in the middle of the room unable to fully communicate or operate according to your former ability! I find great value in being known and knowing how to operate among my peers, family, friends, co-workers. It's safe- knowing how and where you fit, but I'm heading into a situation where I have no idea. And that's where I'm going to stop. I'm deciding to recognize that which God has orchestrated and deciding to sit back in awe of His ability to provide EVERYTHING. For all I knew, I had plans to be on my way to Haiti…Guatemala City, here I come.

I'm so excited too! It may not always seem that way, but when I lift my head from the list and the pile of December distractions, I catch myself imagining life with these girls. Loving on them, learning from them, and my nurturing soul cannot wait to dote on them. It brings tears to my eyes to write this.

I realize many of you are in the dark with many of the details. Let me share a bit! In Guatemala City, I will be at an orphanage which houses 62 girls from the age of 6 up to 20. These girls have been abused, abandoned, and orphaned. From my understanding, the older girls live in independent housing while the younger ones live in houses with house mothers. The younger girls, up to grade 9, are educated on the property until they reach a certain age and make their way to public school. They also have a clinic on the property which serves both the girls and the surrounding community. (I was super excited to learn this AND to learn that they also have English language classes for the girls…possible opportunities???) I wish I could share more, but I myself am lacking details. Rest assured, this blog will provide those along the way. My hope and prayer, God would stretch both my life and your life in this. Think BIG! Maybe a group of my family and friends should spend a week serving some young ladies in Guatemala.

And one more thing to check off the list…I just purchased my plane ticket in the midst of writing this. Wanted to be able to share that in this post! ;)

Certainly, MORE TO COME!

San Jose, Costa Rica- March 2006

Joy to the World

2010-12-10T15:18:00.000-08:00

Joy to the world, the Lord is come and we've finally put up a few decorations to help usher in the Christmas Spirit. Currently, I just stare, smile and enjoy our beautiful bouquets of fir, holly, and pine. (No tree this year.) Despite the busy December calendar, my prayer (as I write this) is that these bouquets and lights and glass balls and candles and Christmas treats will serve as reminders of what this season means to me and why I celebrate.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Some love...

2010-12-02T18:44:00.000-08:00

…from our Thanksgiving day celebration. Thanks to Nik and David for being such phenomenal hosts year after year! And this year Auntie (pronounced "annie") Trish declared what has become tradition, the girls stuffing the bird in our p-jays. I think we all filled up on the delicious hors d'oeuvres, but somehow we managed to nosh on the main dish. A little collage and a little video for your viewing pleasure! We sure missed those of you who weren't able to join us this year.

A lot to be thankful for.

The "W.T.H.D.I.G.M.I.?" Post

2010-11-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

Please, when you understand the title of this post, pardon the expression.

It goes something like this…

The day I arrived to Costa Rica, nearly 5 years ago, I was sleep deprived, anxious, and excited. My host family gathered me from the airport and eventually showed me to my temporary home and room. Once I settled in, I really didn't know what else to do given that I had no idea where the school I was planning to attend classes was located and I couldn't just call someone and make a plan to meet for coffee. So, as was needed, I took a nap. It wasn't exactly the best idea. You know those moments you're caught in the middle, between sleep and wakefulness? I was caught in one of those moments and had a pretty awful feeling fall over me. "W.T.H.D.I.G.M.I.?!!?!!!!!!!!" Yep, there it is- WHAT THE HELL DID I GET MYSELF INTO?" I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach for the rest of the day. I think it finally began to fade when I met my friend Anita from Switzerland (she's been in many previous blog posts).

Well, I promised in a previous post to share those small steps forward and here is a bit of a clue (though I think most of you already know where I'm headed). I woke up this morning with that same feeling of "What am I about to do?" It's a bit different this time around because I have an awareness that I lacked the last time around. It's really not that crazy, but it still causes me to question. I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW that this stint away is what I want and where I need to be heading, but it still causes my head to freak out. And then I thank God that He knows and will fulfill His promises to me as I walk forward.

In four words: Prince of Peace, Guatemala

More to come!

Sunshine in November

2010-11-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

I have to say, I think we've had a pretty nice fall here in Oregon. The colors have been amazing, as expected, and I've enjoyed the changing of the seasons. It's not uncommon for those of us who live in the Pacific NW to complain about the winters here, long-gray-wet etc. It's true, it can be a little disappointing when you look at your watch and feel like you've been tricked! How can in be 4:35 in the afternoon and mostly dark?! Even so, consider this, that very long summer day, driving into the sunset and still having a hint of light at 9:45pm. That makes the long-gray-wet-& dark winters worth it for me!

However, I've been extra spoiled and had a little more sunshine this month than most of you PacNWerners. I made a quick trip south and east to the sunshiny state of Florida to attend the beautiful wedding of Colin and Cayla. It was many things…fun, restful, encouraging, connecting, loving, gourmet eating, & drinking Dunkin Donuts's coffee. (YUM on the right!)

It was a grand opportunity to see SO MANY (missed the Roman crew!) of those people who were strong figures during my Florida life. The whole weekend was packed with good things, a special wedding and lots of running around.

Colin&Cayla's wedding-Erin, Greg, C&C, Mary Kay, Jaime, & Jordan.

And here are my newest Oregon recruits, Mike and Judy! Judy asked me about the 'Stephanie Inn' @ Cannon Beach and I spouted off the other 100 reasons they've got to make a trip to OR (including free tour guide!). Mike and I worked at FL Church of God offices together. We were separated by a measly 6' wall. Sometimes things would just drop out of the sky and onto my desk and other times I'd walk around the wall, grab a handful of M&Ms from his candy dispenser and then kick my feet up while we considered the lyrics of Leeland or Shane & Shane's newest and greatest song.

Mother of the groom, Mary Kay, and I after the ceremony. The venue was about 40 minutes outside of Orlando at a beautiful Italian style villa, Bella Collina. I've never been to Tuscany, I felt like I was in Tuscany---reflecting pools, arches, fountains, stone, stone, stone-everywhere--- a gorgeous setting for C&C to exchange vows.

This picture just puts a big smile on my face. These people
have inspired me, counseled me, challenged me,
encouraged me, and loved me.

Beautiful setting, beautiful wedding=ALL DRESSED UP!

Tuesday Night Starbucks crew (minus Shelly)-Janann, Liz, Randee, and I.

Mary Kay, Greg, Payton and I took off early Monday morning (a few hours before my flight back to PDX) and dined at one of my favorites, Cracker Barrel. It capped off a very fine long weekend.

***Hey 'Florida', I'm pretty thankful for you! Thx to C&C for a great reason to skip out of the rain and catch a few winter rays.

Echoes and Whispers

2010-11-07T07:27:00.000-08:00

Looking ahead…

Take just a few minutes and be reminded, we do not merely exist in this world alone. I follow a blog of a family who are (partially) from the US and have been living in Haiti for the past several years. They recently posted this from Boston Globe Photos.

Looking beyond...

Erin in PDX

2010-10-31T23:28:00.000-07:00

Erin came to Portland for a visit. Seven months pregnant and all, we added miles to my car, pictures to the camera, yummy food to our bellies, and fun memories in all. It was such a treat to have her out west for a few days. She is one of those people who is 9 million percent positive and a straight shooter at the same time. We talked A LOT…and made our way around to some really ESSENTIAL Oregon faves.

We dined at my favorite breakfast spot, Helser's on Alberta.

This is a Cannon Beach must, fish&chips @ Bill's next to a
toasty fire.

It was moving to FL and living near warm beaches that led
me to appreciate and love the OR coast.

"O" for Oregon and Haystack rock.

We also made our way up to the Hood River Fruit Loop. So
very many apples to sample and beautiful weather.

Dear friend.

From the east coast of Florida...

to Kansas city...

to the coast of Oregon.

We have covered a distance from one side of the country ALL THE WAY to the other! Thanks for making the trip west, Erin. It's time to meet up in FL again;).

DISC-D.ominance-I.nfluence-S.teadiness-C.onscientiousness

2010-10-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

If we've ever talked about personality tests and learning about how we are each wired, then you've most likely heard me talk about the "DISC" test. It is one (of many) of those tests giving insight into our personalities and used by many employers to find employees who best fit the needs they are searching for.

Back in 2006, when I was in Costa Rica (and just a few days before my return to the states) I showed up at the church, where I had been working with Costa Rican women in the kitchen, only to find a gentleman waiting for me to give him a tour of San Jose. The previous night, I'd been out in one of the rural parts of the city staying with one of the aforementioned women and her three daughters. I'd grown close to them in my short time there and found it a privilege and welcome experience to spend a few nights in their home while the other family I stayed with hosted out of town pastors visiting for the conference.

The man waiting for me at the church is the same man I went to work for in Florida, Greg. I showed up to the church with a plan. Plan A- Take the bus to the church with Virginia and the girls, walk back to the house where the rest of my belongings were, brush my teeth, shower, spend time reading, writing, documenting before returning to Oregon and then go back to the church for the afternoon/evening events. What actually happened? Well, clearly not that!

I walked in the doors and Greg (who I had met one previous time) said to me, "I hear you're my tour guide today!" Now, remember this, I had a plan. "Plan A" and I don't tend to be too spontaneous. I knew Greg was going to be at this conference and I also knew Alejandro (a coworker of Greg's in FL) was supposed to be on this particular trip with Greg. Come to find out, Alejandro was ill and unable to make this trip. The night I spent with Virginia and the girls is also the same night I was volunteered (without my knowledge) to show Greg around San Jose. I was caught off guard and without having even brushed my teeth yet that morning! I stumbled for an answer and finally uttered, "Uhh, ok. Uhh, yeah, give me 5 minutes."

Our first stop was an internet cafe so Greg could email Mary Kay and let her know he'd arrived safely. On our way to this cafe Greg did exactly as he is infamous for…he asked me a million questions all pertaining to, "What is your life about?" So, not surprisingly, he gave me a link to the DISC test and told me to answers the questions while he wrote his emails. Guess what, I'm an I-C. (Influence-Conscientiousness) The short end to the story=I went to work for Greg in Florida and learned so much more.

And that "so much more" is actually what I want to get to in this post! The D part of the DISC, Dominance, is also (from my understanding) a representation for decision making! I went on to learn, I am a low, low, low, LOW D. Hello, I'm not fond of making decisions and actually find myself bound and extremely distraught when forced to decide. Not always, of course, but it's been haunting me and the conscientious part of my personality!

So, I've learned other tactics as a crutch to this handicap. Here it is: Look long term, plan long term goals and then work backwards on short term goals. Take those short term goals and make decisions that allow you to meet those goals. Easy right?! Well, sort of, but the other hang up of mine- accommodating. I'm worried about what others will think of me (hello people pleaser) and accommodate for their approval. Again, this is not always the case. Sometimes I just DO WHAT I WANT! and that often feels good and hard and wrong. I think there's context in all of this.

My big-bang-point is this:

I've determined long term goals:

I want to work with underserved populations in my city and around the world. I think being a nurse is a great avenue to making this a reality in the way that I can actually use my hands and help people as a way of living.
I want to be fluent in Spanish. Yep, that's a mighty goal.
I want to work in a hospital setting-acute care/ICU nursing.
I want the opportunity to use a nursing degree and my love for other cultures to intertwine and make a beautiful, meaningful difference.

And so the struggle, with prerequisites out of the way, is making small goals and decisions that will set me along this journey. As well as praying for the provision of actually getting into a program!

The last few months have been a spiral down to here. Feeling lost, frustrated, finding bandaids to put off and ignore those small decisions which in the short are a pain in my butt and painful in general, but necessary to rise up and move forward. Well, what do you know. There it is again. The title of this blog is always quite fitting, "Journey Forth."

P.S. Details on those small forward steps coming soon.

Truth

2010-10-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 64:4

"For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him!"

Isaiah 1:17

"Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows."

The B-I-B-L-E

2010-09-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

I added two new favorite books to my profile page. I guess I don't have a lot of favorites, I've listed all of three, but I try to read and have tried to read more fiction in the last few years. I tend to lean toward books that are heavy in thought or analysis of life…much to the influence of my personality (a bend toward intentional development) and nice people (with a bend toward intentional development!).

One time in my life, beginning in January 1998 through about March/April 1999, I did the "read through the Bible in a year" venture. (Yes, you did the math right. It took me more than a year, but I did finish!) Admittedly, I don't remember much and tended to read to check it off. It was difficult to balance with Jr./Sr. year obligations and a college social life and calendar. More recently, after reading about a friend who has summoned the courage to continuously reread the ENTIRE Bible year after year (and upon remembering others who do the same), my appetite was roused and I committed to the adventure. I have a little paperback Bible (which I decorated with stickers of things I like; see photo on the left) so I can take it with me and I'm more inclined to read (more aesthetically pleasing than the original cover). It's great! It's already set up for me to flip open to the day and read something from the Old Testament, the New Testament, a Psalm and a verse from Proverbs. Some days I miss and make up along the way. Some days I read and it hits a good spot in my soul and resounds deep. Many days I read and think, "Huh? Boy I wish I had a Bible professor here to explain." Ultimately, I believe it is good and restorative to read scripture. The Word is alive and active. In the midst of confusion in just living, I grapple with walking faithfully and purposefully. I'm trusting that if I commit to reading and seeking God's wisdom and guiding Hand, I'm doing a part in being faithful and purposeful. Consequently, just getting to know Him and spend time with Him and in doing so, finding His true character amidst the ramming of lies and life and small thinking is where I want to find my treasure.

The reading can take anywhere from 15 minutes to and hour…all depending on me! and how thoughtful I am while reading.:) The more inquisitive/thoughtful, the longer it takes. This usually happens on my days off. And with a cup of coffee.

One last thing, one of the leaders at the church I attend, bread&wine, recently posted this video. If you have three minutes, have a watch…such sweet perspective and what a reminder. Reading the Bible- it's about Jesus, it's about getting to know Him.

A Time to Laugh and a Time to Dance

2010-09-18T01:30:00.000-07:00

Micky John and I warmin' up the dance floor!

Beth and Tate sang to each other during the ceremony.
It was beautiful.

Nothing says Powers quite like hanging out with old pals!

Post from a Month ago...Raccoons live here

2010-08-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

Two nights ago, I was startled out of a deep sleep by the sounds of two wild animals eating each other. That lasted for about 10 seconds, fine. The (presumably) raccoon took off and the dog, a mere 20 feet from my bedroom window, barked through the rest of the night. A yappy kind of bark. Lovely.

In the hour between 3:30am and 4:30am, I tried to cover my head with my pillow. It didn't work. So, at about 4:30am I took off downstairs to find my ear buds in hopes that a little music and turning my fan on would shut out the barking. It sort of worked and then I guess I was tired enough to fall back into sleep.

In those awakened moments, I had one thought that continues to come to mind. I'm moving. Yes, again.

2006-WA to FL. Total moves=3 (Only a few months in my first apartment due to mold.)

2007-FL Total moves=0

2008-FL to OR. Total moves=3

2009 OR Total moves=1

2010 OR Total moves=1?

And you wonder why I pare down every moment I get?

That thought admittedly caused a bit of dread and panic. Moving, regardless of cross-country or across the street, is just plain hard. I'm praying God will surprise me with the ease of this one and I have no room to panic, I'm surrounded by friends who are more than willing to help, THANKFULLY.

Why am I moving AGAIN, you might ask. Many factors leading to this very simple ending. Our landlords want to sell the house we are currently occupying and Annie is walking through the process of purchasing a house. We are all packing up our residence and moving together.

Now that you have context, I went through a few more boxes in the basement today and then I decided to go through an old trunk that holds pictures from as far back as high school...and beyond. And I came across some gems I thought would be fun to put on here, since I told you last time I'd try to post more pics;)!

Nikki Tylene and I before the shop, and fence, and sidewalk etc. I'm not sure how old we are, but I thought of Gracie and her now annual summer week in Powers (I'm lovin' my short shorts here too!).

I was just talking about "housecoats" and how my mom used to wear them. Oddly, they cause a surge of home to run through my soul.

And this picture made me laugh out loud...I look mad and bossy. I told one of my co-workers last week, "I feel like the older I get the more bossy I'm becoming." Watch out world! I actually wrote on the back of the picture, "We (our family) are headed to CB and Nathan wanted to take a picture of me. So I let him, but we were in a hurry. I'm not mad!"

Finally, a good ol' pic from Baker City 1995-Powers Girls' Basketball State Champs. WE HAD THE BEST FANS! I recognize a most of the bald heads. What precious memories these are and what a place to grow from…in some weird way, this photo makes me feel so loved! Thanks to all those "old geezers" for cheering on the ladies and pushing us to the top. Hats off to you!

I realize...Shortcuts

2010-07-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted many pictures on here recently. I'll try to change that, I think. When I'm off reading other blogs, I expect to see pictures along with the stories and I have realized, I stopped doing that. I'll work on that.

The latest thoughts swirling around in my conscience have to do with shortcuts and freedom. I know. I don't know if they actually fit together or if I've had separate experiences with each yet at parallel times.

Are you like me? Do you look for the fastest, easiest way to do, get, or finish something? Are you expectant that it's not so much about the getting there, as it is the FINALLY being there? "Are we there yet?" Is this not ingrained in us as children? Who taught us that the theme park is more fun than the ride getting there? Why do we dread the ride? Maybe we're in too much of a hurry, maybe.

This is just what I've been thinking about. And realizing that it's taken me this long to go back to school because I wanted the easy way to...happiness, I think? Imagining that this "happiness" or rather purpose and feelings of purpose would come once I had arrived. Time is a powerful, wise teacher. Time has taught me otherwise. Along the journey forth, I'm going to make decisions that others question. I'm going to be crippled by the direction I feel God, my Savior, leading me because I'm looking for the shortcut, the easiest, the fastest (and therefore best) way instead of the long way, which changes and challenges me. I'm always on the lookout for EVERYTHING to work out cohesively, in every single decision and movement. It does not. Again, it does not. Though this is often how my actions play out in strategizing the most direct method, this is NOT how or what I truly believe. I don't think the well-groomed path is the best. I believe it when the Bible says the way to God is narrow. I believe it is filled with sorrow and desperation (as well as joy and delight, but somehow the first two are often discarded) causing us to cry out and cling to the Man who is greater than all we are or face.

I often listen to music on repeat. I think it reflects the part of my personality that is trying to squeeze every little bit of life and wisdom out of something that catches my attention. I've learned, time has taught me, to pay attention to those details. The song on repeat? This new artist I discovered? The lyrics? Desert Father, Josh Garrels, "The Lord's Spirit calls, He's singing, Follow my road to sorrow and joy, Be intertwined". And that's precisely IT, intertwined.

So, shortcuts. I'm starting to think they're a drag! I'll take the long way and gather every bit of the morsels of wisdom kept there for me. After all, isn't it how we finish so much of want we learn? "In the long run, I discovered.............."

This, this might be where freedom fits in. If I'm taking the long way, I'm gonna have to learn to live under freedom. Freedom to live by faith. Faith-not knowing the exactness of something and still stepping into action. Stepping into action and trusting that the freedom I live in is for me grace, the grace, which was so costly for Jesus and a gift for me. (And you.)

Pray without Ceasing 1 Thess. 5:17

2010-07-11T17:36:00.001-07:00

Praying without ceasing. Pray continually. Instructions from Paul. Instructions I long to heed day in and out. He is mighty to work in me and through me. Oh! how I long to be conscious of how GOOD He is to me, at all times. Pray all the time. For me, sometimes it looks and feels like this.

(I wrote this, at some point, in my journey through the Florida chapter.)

Look at You, looking at me.

I'm wondering why Your looking at me...

I've turned, tired.

Why do Your eyes follow me,

Your thoughts,

Your hand?

You wrote it, against any of my conscience or willingness.

I've looked back,

I've asked,

I’ve wondered,

I'm troubled.

You wrote it.

I feel it and feel how deeply ingrained it is,

-scored-

a branding I’ll never lose.

It sits, I sit with it, but I don’t know it.

Though I know it’s there, I don’t know it.

You wrote it.

The only hope I have is You.

You wrote it,

…tell me about it.

down with the old

2010-07-07T09:49:00.000-07:00

I've been having several really great, ongoing conversations both in my head and with people. One of those ongoing conversations has been in regards to Sabbath. It is so easy to be consumed with things around me, especially 'good' things and I often find myself loosing steam in the midst of these things. I have less to genuinely offer when it comes to this and I find that I am not present with the Lord as I desire to be. Present in the sense and confidence of moving forward boldly because I've been washing my mind with the Truth of scripture.

So, today, I'm sitting in Cannon Beach at a cafe writing this post and about to head out to the sand to spend the afternoon listening and not feeling the necessity to do anything in particular. I know as you read this you might find it a waste of time to simply be, but it comes back to that desire within my heart to honor God and our relationship in observing a Sabbath. I have much to learn in resting and the many ways this looks for each of us individually-day to day, chapter by chapter.

Genesis 2:1-3

"Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array. By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done."

I was recently listening to a podcast which caused me to consider the ways in which God initiates in my life. First, it was by His initiative through Christ that He came down to us. And, in consideration of His history, His beginning before me and continuation after me, I am beginning to seek, pray for, and find balance in waiting for Him to initiate. I believe there are heart murmurs (not necessarily the medical condition) in which He is initiating, but it's in silence, surrender, and prayer that I must become confident of these whispers. Confident so when I'm in the thick of it I don't come to an end and decide that when the struggles are heavy, God's not in it. I've never felt this way, I don't believe the path is always smooth, but I know for myself-I must be convinced. Not convinced of my own desire, but knowing those desires have stemmed from my relationship with God, not from my own will or desire to please or desire for a particular life.

On my drive over this morning, I listened to one of my faves-Shane and Shane. Their most recent song I've heard on the radio (which caused me to buy the whole album)=Turn Down the Music:

Turn down the music

turn down the noise

turn up your voice, oh God

and let us hear the sound

of people broken

willing to love

Give us your heart, oh God

a new song rising up

This is my prayer today, turn up Your voice, Oh God!

There's so much white noise in our lives...please please please...take time to tune in. It's never too late. Quickly, one of those conversations I recently had with the mom of some dear friends...we were reflecting on life and faith and how we spend ourselves and the desire to be spent on the things that matter in the long run. The part of the conversation that I loved, that I find so so so, almost soothing...she is 50. Her and her husband are beginning to look at and think about retiring and in the last few years God has shaken all those thoughts and is beginning to re-map what that might look like. There are no definitive plans, but my heart rejoiced in this---it is not only the youthful that are zealous. Radical faith is not for the young or the 20 or 30 0r 40 or 50 somethings---RADICAL, BIBLICAL FAITH is for us in each moment of life. Whatever our stage or age-single, with kids, empty-nesters, retirees etc. And the day after our conversation, I read this in Hebrews 11, the chapter about all those who lived by faith:

"All these people were still living by faith when they died."

The title of this blog, "down with the old" is just that- putting down the old thoughts and being renewed, coming up with and walking in the resurrected life! And this is what I continue to unravel and learn...

"I delight greatly in the Lord;

2010-06-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

my soul rejoices in my God."

This is one of my favorite verses, from one of my favorite chapters-Isaiah 61.

I often catch myself saying this repeatedly throughout the day...all I can say is that it is my security both for my soul and for my personal life.

Digging in my closet...

2010-06-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

Resounding gong here...I've said it before, I'll say it again- I like to get rid of stuff! I honestly don't know how I can continue to get rid of things other than the possibility that each time dig through the same things and each time I'm able to let go of a little more. Mostly I'm referring to old journals here. Yesterday, I finished my anatomy and physiology class, working toward nursing! I usually get the sudden urge, once something is completed, to get rid of all unnecessary leftovers that simply become extra boxes in moving. (Sidenote: Yes, I will be moving, eventually. Our current home is going on the market.) So, I began to dig in my closet and through some piles of journals and old books trying to decide their fates. And in this task, I ALWAYS GET CAUGHT sneaking into the old journals and reading my thoughts. It is most often painful, but it is also really incredible to see God's transformative work in my life. I have long wanted to toss these old books out, they carry angst and worry and too---WAY TOO MUCH analyzing. It actually wears me out to reread them. {sigh} However, I can't seem to let them go just yet. In 1999, I wrote a prayer wondering if nursing would be a good direction for me to go. Really? It is affirming to see that thought "documented" as though I have this need to know it's not a new thought or theme. Throughout these journals, I am able to see the threads and themes of desires that keep whispering to my heart. I do find this comforting, and I find this to be a push in becoming active toward those whispers. To stop analyzing and questioning and just act. To make decisions that might be mistakes and come back with, "It's never a wrong decision if you are a learner in it."

Yes, these journals are repetivite. Yes, this blog is repetivite. Some things are worth repeating, some things are not. At Christmas, I'll repeat the sounding joy. The scriptures repeat, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" -Rev. 4:8 Life too, seems to repeat. Our behavior patterns, good and bad seem to be repetitive. By default we repeat. In action, we can choose to repeat or change. Again, not all repitition is bad.

Below is from a notebook I carry in my bag with me. I keep quotes, addresses, lists of books, thoughts etc. in it. This is from NYC, 12-13-2009, with my roommates-Annie, Karin, and Gretchen. I got up early one morning, left for a coffee shop (ending up at Starbucks) and watched out the window...

"No matter what city I travel to, no matter the history, grandeur, uniqueness, brilliance-whatever...we are souls walking through time.

I keep seeing the same lady making circles or rather laps around Union Square...analogous to life lived in fear. Walking the same circle seeing the same things, maybe even walking in a different direction to see a different angle, but still the same square. How often do we live our lives this way? Never crossing the street to leave the comfort of familiarity , never risking, never having faith-believing and trusting it's safe to leave the familiar for the unfamiliar--safe in YOUR security, safe in YOUR promises."

I recently spent an evening with some leaders from my gospel community having dessert and praying (such a great combo!). Tonight as I prepared to publish this post, I came across a notecard from that evening. As we prayed I wrote different thoughts that struck me and in light of the NYC thought above, this little prayer card carried a little more weight. "I want to live wrecklessly." That's all. Fear vs. wrecklessness or maybe a better word would be abandonment. I don't know, it just strikes me and I'm worn out trying to analyze the many possible paths. In my terms, wreckless living does not mean living without intention, but living without fear. From the Chronicles of Narnia, "He's not safe, but He's good.

Sounds good, here I go...

2010-05-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

I used to pray that God would do it my way. Now, I pray that He'd move me His way...it is both adventure and obscurity. It's letting go of the perception of control I believe is mine and turning to an unmarked path toward an unknown yet hauntingly enticing Way with a Guide who knows and who is both constant and consistent. I am safe with Him in the midst of ashes and controversy-heart ache-joy-loss-anger-fear-peace-anxiety-love-hatred-celebration-beauty-gladness.

Psalm 125:1-2 The Message
"Those who trust in God are like Zion Mountain: nothing can move it, a rock-solid mountain you can always depend on. Mountains encircle Jerusalem, and God encircles his people-always has and always will."

I came across the above scripture earlier today as I stumbled upon a journal from a few years ago. I flipped open to the middle and read a prayer referencing a relationship I was currently in and asking God to deepen it if it was to His honor and would bring the two of us into a deeper place with Him. That relationship ended weeks later. An answer to prayer. Anyway, this post is not about that relationship.

The Psalm 125:1-2 reference reminds me Who is my Security. (However, in reference to said boy-those relationships are still not my security as much as they lure me into believing my life will be secure with another. This does not negate relationships, only where they find there right place.) I've been going through a great study with a few other gals discussing idols of the heart. You see, in our culture, it has been easy for me to believe that idols are something of other religions in which I do not participate. Upon further reflection, it has become evident that there are what seem to be more "subtle" idols in my life. I call them subtle because they are accepted by the mainstream of Christianity in our western society. These are many and varied depending on the person. In my particular reflections lately, it has been in regard to money and the false sense of security it provides me. Psalm 125 reminded me where my security comes from...God encircles His people! Think about that, being encircled by God-I can't think of a safer, more comfortable place to be. Yet, this does not say easy. It does not guarantee only the joyful, peaceful blessed life we have come to associate with Christian faith. No, it just promises God being and surrounding my life. I believe hardship is as much a part of the faith, we just forget it.

In Mark 10 (for context http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark%2010:17-31&version=NIV) Jesus says to His disciples, "I tell you the truth...no on who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields-and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life." My point here, why is it we tend to leave off persecutions in our message of the gospel? I'm learning that walking with Jesus is enough and necessary to make it through this life. Deep, deep down, I fear being comfortable. It means I'm trusting in my own ability to make it through life, lacking faith to let go of the unimportant things and cleave to the necessary thing-God Himself! There is a stirring happening to act in faith, to move outside of my own ability to make my life neat and perfectly situated to lead a comfortable life toward an abandonment for the stuff that will pass away in the end.

So, I am striving to find more in less. To practice giving my life away, both in a matter of time and presence as well as physical possession. I don't have a formula, only that this is what I want to practice though, admittedly, I am still stubborn holding on with fear. These possessions, which often assume to provide comfort and security, do less than that. They are for me often an anchor which holds. And the one thing that nags at me most, missing out on relationship, mission, and purpose because of my stuff. If I let go of my need for security, I become a vagabond ready and willing to roam wherever He may lead. My one precaution, I do not want to roam out of my own lust for adventure, but out of a responsibility to stand in the gap when necessary. (And I'm getting ahead of myself, it's that stirring that's going on. There will be more to share...)

My journal entry for 5.13.10

"Father- You are doing something and I don't want to ignore it!"

and for 5.17.10

"My security and trust-let it rest on and in God, who encircles me-always."

Leaving you with two final words that continue to be present in my daily thoughts, Nursing and Haiti. Pray He gives me wisdom.

Come with Me...

2010-03-08T15:47:00.001-08:00

***A note before you read this, it is merely a reflection of what I see when looking back and not meant to come to the end with any answers. In this place as I sit on the couch and type, after having had a few days of being keenly aware of His presence, I am able to-want to-write how I saw things as I walked in them. I am unhinged by the awareness of His gentle patience in walking the road with me, thoroughly, so as not to skip ahead and miss the fullness of learning to seek Him alone.

Now, Come with me...

To a place I was before this began. It's 2004 and I'm outwardly living a live that makes sense to everyone around me. I'm working with an incredible group of people, in a small office, with my own office, a secure paycheck, a great one-bedroom apartment in a perfect old apartment building, surrounded by great neighbors who I share Saturday morning breakfasts with in the U-shaped courtyard outside my living room window, attending a good church, volunteering at a thriving youth group, and gathering with friends for fun and time together learning the Truths of the Gospel. I'm also beginning a journey of pain, solitude (though that would be disguised given my cirlce of friends and acquaintances), and inward darkness. I am about to enter a very trying-lonely time that NO ONE will be able to talk me out of or through and that I become increasingly convinced is for my ultimate good as I go "down and in" to dig at what my Heavenly Father has settled on my heart and my soul. I am ultimately optimistic as I trust His word-"...in all things God works for the good of those who love Him..."-Rom. 8:28 yet in my optimism I am confident that this will be a quick fix-fast lesson-getting on to the good, more important things. I am doing-performing-my best in all the roles that I feel have been assigned to me or that I taken hold of myself for furthering my own pride, self advancement, and works for His Kingdom though beneath this beautiful veneer is a girl pushing to get her own way. And in getting my own way, I am seeking to find the non-existing balance between pleasing others, their expectations, myself, my expectations, and the God of the universe. AS IF HE IS SOMETHING TO BE BALANCED AMONG OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE! I'm questioning so many things, right or wrong roads I've taken, careers I've sought, things I've participated in or bowed out of. And I'm living with a heart that is raging inside because outwardly I'm afraid to LIVE my fullest life possible. I wake up in the mornings and make my bed, yet at every turn of the sheet and fold of the blanket, I am haunted by my thoughts and reliving events that may seem trite to others, but are mind boggling-painful to the confusion that seems to be teeming around me. No, you would not see depression around me, I would not allow you to see it. I do not believe it to be, just a saddness at the life experiences that come with growth of all kinds. In my "get it done" fashion, I begin to make plans for things that seem ultimately sacrificial (mission trips to foreign lands) still hoping that in my checklist fashion-if I do something, God will return to me with something. I end up on a team of fantastic people on my way to the forbidden island-Cuba. And upon returning from Cuba, I begin to plan another trip back to Cuba which ultimately lands me in Costa Rica. (Much of that story and all that ensued lies within these many posts!) All along I miss the importance of the TIME it takes for a heart to be transformed. The time it takes in being LONG with God in a prayer closet, just being with Him, not seeking a checklist of things to do and get done so that He might give me the next list of lessons to learn. I am beginning to see how dynamic relationship with God is, but am slow at learning and good at keeping my list handy. I continue to look for the places in life where I missed what God was doing and I lament on feeling my life will end without seeing a purpose, a driven force of being used for the good of others that they might now His life. But, I am not the most pleasant example nor do I feel confident to let you see my inside life and the struggles that come with the aforementioned balance. I am also aware, at these very moments I am not alltogether sure in my own life what really allowing Him to live through a life looks like. I know I want it, but can't seem to find the right checklist in order to tackle the dilemma. So, I keep searching and changing and trusting that at some point in time I will gather myself and realize I have arrived. At the same time I'm working to arrive, I'm beginning to learn and witness and dive into the fibers of my being. It is now 2006 and I'm living in Florida. As painful as it is, due to the unbelievable hurdles that accompanied me moving cross-country, I am simultaneously soothed and spurred. Soothed as God begins to unveil the order of my being- the things I'm good at because I was wired that way and the things I've learned to do because I thought them an expectation of my life. Spurred because my heart, though I try to tame and numb it, is still raging to LIVE! To live without concern for the reactions of others. To say I'm moving across the country and not be challenged in my pursuit. I am, after all, a warrior princess. I'm disgusted by the injustices in my own city and country, and baffled to tears by those injustices that I am only beginning to learn about because my countrymen (or at least those I associate with) do not like to talk about how we don't pass the bread-basket around to the rest of the world, how in our greed and gluttony we have created our own kinds of ailments-diabetes, obesity, etc., that we look the other way when a massive genocide takes place on another continent for fear of what, our own safety? For me, fear of losing my security in the stuff I've worked to gather around me. I have, afterall, finally purchased a sofa, and dining room set, and I'm working hard to look the part-fashion/fitness-that is the American Christian. Though at these same moments, I remember Cuba and how upon returning from the sights-smells-tastes-feelings-people-I used every last bit of toothpaste before buying another tube because I realized what a privelege it was to have this commodity. I think back to my time staying at the home of a Costa Rican friend, out in the countryside where the girls give up there bed so that I might be comfortable and we feast for breakfast over coffee and a small loaf of fresh baked 'pan' (better known to us as bread). Thinking of the humidity I knew and experienced as I crank up the A/C on my condo thermostat. I work to justify these differences, but come up short. I live in the land of plenty, I partake in the plenty and do a few "self-less" acts to feel better. Here again, living by works. I continue to live, experience, strive, change, and yes grow. I hear Him speak to me in a few very critical points in my life. When I plead and beg and ask why?! why?! why?!---I am suddenly struck with the very awareness of the Holy Spirit in my life and His words to my audible questioning and crying. His answer, "I KNEW YOU FIRST." I am suddenly silenced and pacified. I respond with thankful, grateful, desire to be on mission for Him.

***I am sufficiently drained! It is good to look back and see growth, it also causes me to stumble through some of those trips and pictures (these from Cuba'04)...especially as I watch Haiti and remember my own experiences in other cultures. It fuels a desire I do not yet know what to do with, but Father I trust that you are thoroughly in this. I believe You desire me to know You and to take part in loving others as You have loved me. I confess, I continue to have my plans and trust Your work and Your word, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21)

Spill!

2010-02-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward-to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.” –Philippians 3:12-14 (The Message)

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV)

I’m exploding with blog posts! So, maybe this one is best to do highlights.

Surrender.

Haiti: Since January 15th, yes a few days after the actual earthquake in Haiti, I have been on my computer reading all I can about what’s happening. On January 15th @ Uncle Rog’s 60th surprise party, Aunt Trish hugged me good-bye saying every time she reads about Haiti she thinks about me. “I know you’d be there if you could.” Translated for the general public- if I had my nursing degree, I’d be there helping with disaster relief. This has surely caused a swell in my focus with nursing and even just beginning to look into disaster relief through the Red Cross, PREPAREDNESS! I’m not “plugged in” as far as following the news goes. I get bits and pieces, my home page is bbc.co.uk (British Broadcasting Corporation) so the headlines that pop up sometimes coerce a click on the link. I also get a 20 minute break at work in which I usually read USA Today if one of our regulars happened to be in that morning (yes, we have people who come in virtually EVERY morning for breakfast!!!) and left his newspaper for us. Consequently, it took me a few days to actually hear, in the midst of class-studying-work, the enormity of the earthquake’s effects. I have since been moved on a nearly daily basis.

Lent: Fat Tuesday came and went, Ash Wednesday too. I received an email newsletter from a friend a few weeks back. It contained a challenge to drink only water (and eat) for the 40 days of lent and use the money saved to support clean water ministries. I was intrigued, of course, “What a great idea!” And then I followed with a number of reasons why this was a bad idea for me…all of them selfish! It dawned on me, why WOULDN’T I do this? These are the things which strike a cord in my fibers. So, I have been drinking water, hot water-room temp water-ice water etc. I realize how easy it is for me to walk into the kitchen, grab a big ol’glass, turn on the facet and raise the cup to my lips for a clean drink of water. I want to be reminded, mindful, grateful of this and to act responsibly on a global level. I don’t have that figured out, but I know it starts with living simply.

Living Simply: I live in a gorgeous house with lovely roommates and we live in a hip, gritty, weird Portland neighborhood-Alberta Arts district. The neighborhoods around this area of NE Portland are spectacular- everything is perfect. I drive down 15th Ave. at night, gazing in the windows of these homes, and I am struck on two sides of the spectrum-they are perfect-neat and tidy (and you know how drawn I am to order) and they are devastating-it reminds me of the “haves and have nots.” The sum of these two causing a weight, an awareness that I am all too familiar with and which I have spent time tending to as a way of finding peace and reconciliation within. I no longer believe finding the balance is necessary and have accepted that these are to me reminders of the place I am to call home and initiators in continuing to move forward in living my life in a way that reflects where my priorities are-His Kingdom.

His Kingdom: On many levels, moving from my own apartment into a house with roommates was to continue to learn how to be in relationship with others, as well as to keep myself from building my own little perfect kingdom here on earth. In this act, so many things have followed. Community/family dinners, putting our pjs on at 7:30 and hanging out in the hall where all our doors meet (which at a later point in the evening usually turns to me grabbing my tooth brush and Annie getting upset over the fact that I’m brushing my teeth and still talking to her at the same time!:) ), witnessing Gretchen truly make strides in walking faithfully as she unquestionably simplifies life and packs up to move to Cambodia chasing her call (a phenomenal process for me to watch so personally), and turning up at home after work only to get caught up in a conversation in the kitchen about life and faith with Liz, who is in the process of seeking a Ph. D. What a house, I do believe! These women, gifted in photography, words, wisdom, creativity- a common rhythm of faith throughout.

Faith Throughout: And this leads me back to the beginning, “Surrender.” This has been a BIG area for me-to believe that in walking out my faith, day by day, surrender is my best play. It is so difficult for me to trust that in ALL things He is working out my journey. Some times are easier than others. It does seem obscure to me that in the times I feel I should be laying down deeper roots I am actually loosening the grip of my culture. No, I’m not going anywhere right now, but in making loose the stuff of my life, I feel a great ability to care about the deeper things of life.

I've emptied the thoughts which have been brewing for a while. I do believe that is all for now, save for a few end notes...

***I have been listening to Kari Jobe sing “Revelation Song” while writing this post. Google it or go to YouTube and give it a listen. Don’t watch the video, you’ll be distracted! Listen to the words. “Jesus your name is power, breath, and living water, such a marvelous mystery.”

***This blog is about me, but I truly don’t want it to be ABOUT ME. I hope in your reading, you might find yourself moved or challenged, tempted to view life through the scope- “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”-James 4:14- and finding purpose in viewing life from this place.

there's just not enough of it...i'm not referring to love here

2010-01-13T21:35:00.000-08:00

One of my biggest frustrations is time. Yes, I frequently waste it on unimportant things and often I'm frustrated at the trap of time, being stuck in a classroom, in a car, at work...all the while my head is spinning with a to do list. (Can you tell I just got out of sitting in my car for 4.5 hours?) Very much worth the time to drive to Powers for some family time, but as I left I felt I hadn't had enought time there. Another day, maybe 2, would have been fantastic. I was able to see everyone (mostly and at least briefly), but when I think of going home, I also dream about sitting in the downstairs room, surrounded by mounted animal heads (aka dad's trophies), reading for half the day followed by opportunity to sit with my thoughts and write a few things down. I really can't complain, I'm being quite selfish, I know I have so much time in my life that many others don't. It just feels so fragmented and that is so unfulfilling. So, as I drove the the road-12 miles into my drive back to Portland-I realized my need/desire for more time to "just be" will ONLY be satisfied by Eternity. "Well, Lord, for all the books that pile up and don't get finished because I have other priorities, maybe I could just speak to the authors some day." I think I remember having that thought. Anyway, time...it just gets to me all to often. In many Latin American countries they say "manana" (translation-tomorrow). We will take care of it tomorrow, no problem, no worries, pura vida, manana. I need more of that in my life!

2010

2010-01-09T21:47:00.001-08:00

I set some new goals for this year...some of them are still being worked out, some of them are set. It's good to have something to focus on and move intentionally toward. However, I find that if I do not look over these goals frequently, they mean nothing to helping me on my way! My employer in Florida, who I learned so much from just watching, was accountable to a board of individuals who reviewed his work quarterly. It seems like such a tedious way to live, especially for a big dreamer like me who thinks running off to another country sounds like a good idea 3/4 of the time, but I've found even that is possible to put in place as a goal! Learning Spanish continues to be on my agenda and as I move in the vein of becoming a nurse, this seems even more essential and useful. I'm praying for opportunities.

It's also a goal of mine to be on here once a week this year. I used to love getting on here to spill my thoughts and was always encouraged by the support I received in sharing some of what I thought were my inner stirrings. I feel it's a good habit to let others into my process, especially my family who it seems I often lack the right way to say just what I want to say.

I'm thankful for last year, so many things. Last night on my run, I realized how blessed I am to be working where I am. I work at a breakfast-lunch place in PDX that has been around for 20 years and has a very SOLID base of regulars. God provided much in this job and I love the physical work on my feet moving around all day. It's very tiring and people can drive me crazy hollering their orders at me while I make pear mimosas (especially on holidays), but I am oh so thankful to have work. And I'm thankful for God's faithfulness to continue to reveal the path before me, piece by piece. Applications are being sent this month for nursing school and I'm hopeful/prayerful about the possibilities. OHSU is top on the list!

Moving forward in 2010...